The weight of having a PD parent

[traumakorma]

We carry this weight around with us. The weight of having been parented by someone who appears to have a personality disorder. Before we could think rationally we were indoctrinated into a cult of blame, shame and guilt. I visualise it as if we're dragging around the heaviness, sometimes acutely aware but other times it's less obvious but the effect is the same. I try to notice it. I know I didn't attach the weight to me, it was done at a time I couldn't refuse. There was a time I thought the weight was a sign of love and connection. Before I realised how much I was genuinely suffering from the effort of lugging about something that was never mine to bear. I now make it my life's work to refuse to carry a burden that has nothing to do with me. It's not fair and it does nothing. All the time I made myself mentally unwell being constantly pulled down never changed anything. It never could. We can't live like that. If we cut the rope nothing is lost. I'm going to spend every day of the rest of my life severing those ropes and I will never stop.

[NarcKiddo]

I hear what you say and it resonates. Keep cutting those ropes!

[bloomie]

traumakorma - you are doing life affirming work! Keep going and keep sharing your progress as you are able!

Like you, I focus on my recovery and staying healthy every day and I could not do that if I had continued to carry a burden that was never mine to carry.

Bravo!!

[moglow]

As you cut those ropes, you'll find others fall away by default. The FOG [fear obligation and guilt] becomes more clear and less burdensome. And you're right - we took on those things ourselves, it's what we were taught and how we learned to survive painful relationships.

[Liketheducks]

This really resonates with me.   

[Cat of the Canals]

I now make it my life's work to refuse to carry a burden that has nothing to do with me.

I love this.

I use the term "cult" a lot when I talk about the way my PDmom raised me. Lots of overt brainwashing. 

[Hilltop]

Oh my gosh I relate to this so much.  Even when I thought things were ok the weight was still there and it dragged me down.  I am with you with cutting those ropes and reclaiming that wasted energy.

[monamurre]

When I was finally able to put a name to what I was experiencing with my mom, when I realized that it was a disorder and fully my mothers, not mine, I had the most vivid sensation of taking off a heavy, soiled garment.

All the shame and imposter syndrome that had dogged me for as long as I could remember just lifted off! I felt weightless and incredibly energized.

Of course there was more work to do to untangle triggers, etc. But, I will never forget that feeling, that I could just step out of that learned role and live my own life without her issues, fears and neuroses being superimposed over me. It was wild.

Lately, I've been catching myself in random moments, feeling confident, competent, beautiful....and remembering what I used to feel in moments like that..... with the inner critic on full volume, ready to step in and smack me down. I also remember how many times I got a snide comment and cruel side-eye from my mom when she caught me feeling good about myself. I'm glad the effects are wearing off and I'm able to feel good without second guessing myself. Sheesh, it is a weight to bear!

[InvisibleDaughter]

Once you see the treatment as abuse, you can't unsee it.

Your post made me cry, I totally understand.

There is empowerment in distance.

Sending you a (((hug)))