His anger is killing him....

[CinnamonBark]

Hi everyone, I am a new poster here so please be kind to me. For context, my parent is a bipolar narcsissistic psychopath who has a grudge against me since I was 4 (when my mother died and he began abusing me in every way possible). As a 4 year old I rejected him and didn't love him anymore, which in his mind justifies abusing me in any way he can throughout the years. I left home for the first time at 17 and stayed out until the pandemic.

I just moved out about a month ago for the second time in my life from my single father's home, where I stayed for 3 years during the pandemic. We hadn't been living together for a long time, but of course he became increasingly nasty and it got to the point where I couldn't go anywhere in public with him because he would spin on a dime and start screaming/grabbing me. His health had been somewhat stable after 2019, when he had really bad high blood pressure and it was found that he had had a TIA even though he made no lifestyle changes other than taking high blood pressure medication. When he found out I was moving he went ballistic, even going so far as to try to convince me I have schizophrenia (definitely one of the weirdest moments of my life).

So I was able to move out towards the end of February, and I had his number blocked for a while so I could settle in without the constant harassment. That helped me a lot, but he would email me every day about how bad his blood pressure is, then he got Pneumonia. Of course he blamed it all on me, saying that it was my 3 pets who gave him the pneumonia, other crazy things etc. Now his high blood pressure is definitely out of control, and he has been back to the doctor who has given him more medicines. He isn't making any lifestyle changes at all, just wants to sit and eat and watch TV. He is morbidly obese as well. He also has delusions, such as when no one picks up/texts him back he gets frantic and calls/texts even more (literally everyone in his address book that he has ever known) because he think's his phone is broken. The delusions are newer, but they're coming more and more as time goes on about stupid things, like he convinces himself that everyone is against him and working together to make his life worse.

Yesterday he sent me some of his insurance information, for what reason I have no idea, as I have already told him that I will not be part of anything having to do with him. When the inevitable happens, how do I explain to the doctor that it is the fact that he has no one left to abuse is making him so sick? Both times that I left home he got really sick like this. And how do I tell them that I won't be there at the hospital or going to have any hand in it. I'm done being the emotional toilet. Do any of you guys have such volatile abusive parents that pull this kind of stuff? Also any tips about dealing with the delusions, I usually just tell him he needs mental health help which makes him freak out more.

[SunnyMeadow]

Hi CinnamonBark,

Glad you found the forums but I'm sorry you have to be here. You have dealt with so much, I really feel for you.

From reading your post my immediate thought is for you to protect yourself. Are you in a space to completely break off from him? Could you go full no contact? NO email, text or phone calls sounds like a good way to remove yourself from the stress of this. I don't think you need to say anything to the doctor ever, they will figure out that your parent isn't well. In fact I wouldn't say anything to anyone.

I'd be afraid of him screaming and grabbing you plus the abuse from age 4 is terrible. This whole thing doesn't sound safe. You said you had his number blocked for awhile and it helped you a lot. If this was me, I'd block every means of communication and go live my life without him.

He's the adult here. Every adult gets to live their life as they see fit, good or bad. Grown children don't need to have any part of caretaking a parent, especially a narcissistic one. This isn't any of your problem to deal with. You get to grow up and move away for good, thankfully.

Please keep posting and reading as much as you can. It's so good that you're here to learn many different options as you begin your adult life.

[bloomie]

CinnamonBark - Hi and welcome. I am thankful you are building a support system around yourself. It seems like this relationship with your dad has been seriously hard for most all of your life. It also seems like your dad has medical intervention and help for whatever ailments or mental health issues he may be facing. There is not a lot more you can do for someone who is refusing to take the advice he is being given to sustain his own health and vitality.

Just like you are doing, your father could reach out for support and help. His health, his loneliness and anxiety, his lifestyle choices are all his to own. His treatment of you, and the natural consequences of that are his to figure out. When someone treats us badly and falsely accuses us, it is healthy and normal to step away to a safe distance.

In terms of the delusions, redirecting him and gently suggesting he needs to talk to someone who can help him with those is fine to a point, but at a certain point, ignoring and refusing to engage in those kinds of behaviors is a really good option, I have found.

Using the toolbox at the drop down menu above where you will find such good insights has helped me so much. I highly suggest you take a look at all of the resources throughout the forum boards and continue to share here for support as you go forward. There are great book recommendations, other online free resources, and of course the conversations taking place here on the forum boards.

Keep sharing! It helps lighten a heavy load.   

[CinnamonBark]

To both Sunny Meadow and Bloomie for your kind responses to my post, it is quite a relief to know that I am not alone in dealing with this insanity. 

In response to SunnyMeadow, I am currently as far away as possible living on my own as of a few months ago and I am loving it! However, I am not ready to go completely no contact because our financial situation is tied up together and always has been. I am the only child and the only family member who has been around him for the past 15 years because he is so nasty no one sticks around for long. one of the properties that my aunt lives in is in my name and so I own it. I plan to gleefully sell it and gain from that in 15-20 years: I am playing the long game. I have made it a boundary not to see my abusive father in person or hang out with him except for 2 yearly trips to our beachfront property which is very dear to me since the only 'happy' memories I have is there.
I also co-own a condo with my abusive father which I get income from each month from renting out, so there is some personal benefit to communication only about business with my father. He is 80 this year and I don't expect him to live much longer and I honestly believe everything will be easier when he dies if I had been in contact with him leading up to it, as the family won't blame me so much and hopefully they will leave me alone (his sisters are also toxic and brag about abusing their kids). And thank you for saying that I don't owe him anything, as that is how I've felt for a long time.

To Bloomie:
It honestly has been really hard for me to find trustworthy people as friends, so I never have more than one or two at a time but the ones I do have are great and non-judgemental.  You are 100% right that he has had literally so much time (20 years) to figure out how to not act like a total piece of crap, and he wasted 40 years with the same idiot therapist who he lied incessantly to and later dropped him. I have told other family members that have asked me to 'fix' him that I spent years in therapy with him as a teenager and now that I am an adult I won't be making the same amount of effort because nothing will change. Hell, I even told him to get hobbies and friends months before I left, which he refuses to do. He won't even go to the local pub and have a beer. I have been beginning to ignore the crazymaking that he does, and it seems to escalate him even more when he doesn't get a response. I think I will take the opportunity to post more here, so thank you for making me feel welcome 

[PunkCroc]

Sometimes we get people like this in the ER where I work. They've been so terrible to their families (they treat us like garbage too) that the families no longer want to be responsible for anything they do.

Unfortunately, telling his doctor, or him for that matter, that his anger and his abusive nature are what's killing him will mean absolutely nothing as long as he continues to be unwilling to change. The doctor can give him all the advice and BP meds in the world but it will mean nothing if he doesn't listen or change.

What you can do, is tell the doctor's office not to contact you. You're not his next of kin, and you don't make any decisions for him. You could even block the doctor's number if you feel like it. But with medical decisions and medications, they can only release information to someone who's 1) Been given permission and 2) Is willing to be involved. If you say no, they have to find someone else. If he is unable to make decisions for himself and there is no POW, then the doctor will make the choices.

You can't be forced to be involved. You can refuse.

[1footouttadefog]

I can relate to the panicked texting and calling everyone he ever knew.  My pdh has had spells where he acted like that.  It's like they will explode or cease to exist of they don't get attention. 

I al glad you have been able to move out again. He is an adult and there are government programs and charities to help people like him, especially if you live in the USA.

Live your live and no need to explain anything to the docs.  They are professionals and it's between they and him to address the sulymptoms he relates are bothering him.  It's his right to forgo having problems dealt with, dignity of life , bodily choice and all that. 

Let him have his stuff and set your efforts to see about your stuff.

It seems you are young, I am old, so I will encourage you to live life below your means and keep savings and grow them so you will never be in a position to return to abuse again. This will give you security and peace of mind. 

I am sorry you did not have the FOO you deserved due to loss and abuse.  I hope you find your tribe and chosen family and you progress in life.