Enmeshed with mother -- stuck and confused

[localgirl1234]

[TRIGGER WARNING -- discussion of past sexualized abuse]


I'm 26 years old and stuck in a very enmeshed relationship with my toxic mother. I'm miserable but I am afraid it is largely my own fault. I'm struggling to make sense of everything and feel very conflicted and confused.

I am a 26-year-old female, but I live with my mother as an adult, due to screwing up and being immature and lazy in the past. I'm trying to make up for my failure at life by being more responsible. At the same time, I'm also hurt and conflicted.

After taking two "medical leaves of absence" from a prestigious university and repeatedly failing several classes (while excelling and winning awards in others), and eventually being hospitalized for depression, I was finally kicked out of my college. I moved back in with my mother, who coincidentally did not have a home of her own during this time, and was staying (rent free) with her best friend and their family until eventually SHE was kicked out after two years of not paying rent.

We spent the past few years, until recently, when we started renting a small house, moving between states and staying with various friends and family, as well as in a commercial store front that my mom had bought to keep her things in.

Anyway, now we are renting a house, well she is, and I pay a share of my (part time) salary toward financing that store front I mentioned earlier (about 500 dollars a month). I have taken several classes over the past several years since dropping out, trying to finish out my degree, or get enough credits to be accepted back by my university (which they said they would do), but it's slow and expensive and I'm struggling to stay motivated. I feel like a failure.

Anyway, my relationship with my mom has always been complicated. She has bouts of mean behavior punctuated by being fun, attentive, warm, and loving.

When asked to think of upsetting events in my past in therapy I recently told my therapist about an incident when I was first going through puberty where my mom asked me if I had pubic hair (I didn't share this specific detail just said "my development") yet and I was embarrassed so I said "no" and then she said to show her and I said I really didn't want to and begged her not to have to, but she yelled and yelled and forced me to undress in front of her and then lay on the bed. I actually did have pubic hair and she was furious and screaming. Afterwards, she forced me to get in the shower and washed me while yelling that I was dirty and couldn't even wash myself, and that I was a liar.

I am worried when I share that that you will have an incorrect perception or overly negative perception of my mom. That was one of her worst moments, but it didn't happen again and she wasn't like that most of the time by any means. When I share things to explain how my mom can be, I worry I'm only telling some things and maybe I'm not seeing the whole story and maybe that's why people sometimes tell me she is not good for me, but they aren't seeing the full pic or all the irresponsible stupid things I do, including lie, steal, etc.

A few weeks ago, my mom got really mad and started kind of hitting and kicking me and told me I ruined her life and I disgust her and that I was "demonic" and on and on. It happened in between sessions so I told my therapist about it. I honestly did something awful to deserve it though (I lied repeatedly and elaborately about being in school when I wasn't).

When I was younger, in early high school (i'm embarrassed to admit I was so old), my mother used to make me say things to my dad when they fought. She used to text my dad from my phone pretending to be me and say things like "I hate you! Why are you so cruel to mommy? why can't you just love her?" But this was during a very stressful time for her.

When I was in college she secretly lived in my dorm room for a semester which was awful and humiliating. She said she was sacrificing for me but really, I think, she was homeless (kicked out of her long term arrangement with her best friend) and wanted to be with me/get free rent/companionship, etc. It wasn't ideal for either of us, I hated my life so much during it, but what hurts more is her using this time when she is yelling at me nowadays as an example of how much she sacrifices to me and how ungrateful I am. It's so confusing.

For over ten years until a few months ago she did not work and was living entirely off money from my dad even though they both date other people and have been living apart many years.

My mom is nice to me too and has done so much for me. She cares a lot about me. But she is also very controlling and doesn't really let me do anything but I can't complain because I'm living with her and I've messed up my life so I can't complain.

She seems to resent me and be very disappointed in me not reaching milestones she expected of me but also depends on me for a lot (I do her laundry often, grocery shopping, her homework for a college class, stuff for her work). I also used the remainder of my inheritance from my late grandfather to pay for her college class. But I thought it was the least I could do after failing college and messing things up and lying repeatedly about it, etc.

Like I mentioned, she recently got a part-time primarily work- from-home job as an administrative assistant for a local nonprofit. It's more work and hours than she expected and she hasn't worked in a long time, so it's been hard.

I was helping her in the beginning but ended up doing a lot of the big tasks myself and she is busy herself and is also dating this guy who loves doing stuff and she is always very busy with him even though she tells me she doesn't want to and is exhausted but feels she has to hang out with him.

Truth is, I end up doing hours of work for her a week, making spreadsheets, etc. And helping her do all sorts of things on the computer. I write emails, schedule meetings, run reports and create mass mailings and all sorts of documents and spreadsheets.

The past two days I was off from work and I worked 6-8 hours on mailings/reports/spreadsheets for her job. I'm not getting paid. Id rather be paid but I feel like I can't just stop or tell her no. And I feel good about myself for helping my mom.

My therapist seems to think she is not good for me but I am worried he is overreacting or over sensitive due to his line of work or the way I'm portraying her because she often hurts/bothers me. But there are two sides to every story and I am very irresponsible. When I'm independent enough and responsible enough I do plan to move out. She would never let me move out now.

What complicates things is that I have a really distant and uncomfortable relationship with my father. He has always been kind and supportive and tried to protect me from my mother but for some reason I have always felt a million times more attached to my mother.

I feel tremendous guilt about what I did to him and that I refuse to see him despite him being kind to me. I feel very awkward around my father and uncomfortable. Just talking to him is so hard and uncomfortable. Part of it is that I remember when I was very little he used to french kiss me though he denies it and I believe my memory might be distorted so I'm not sure.

Please help me.

[Srcyu]

You have a lot to deal with. If I could just skip to the end where a red flag is waving? Your memory of your very young self being French kissed by your father could be true. An area of your brain could be trying to protect you.

You sound like a very good daughter. Your mother is extremely fortunate to have you.
It's possible that she is taking advantage of your very strong desire to please her.
Your ability to see both sides of the story suggests emotional intelligence and insight.
You get the impression she resents you sometimes when what she's actually doing is projecting. Your understanding of her is building all the time.
When she talks about self sacrifice she is merely excusing her behaviour since then.
You also sacrifice a lot. As you unravel more of your complex attachment to her you will learn how to manage her outbursts better or at least limit the damage they can do.

[xredshoesx]

welcome to the group local girl,

from what you have shared, enmeshment is a good way to describe the relationship between you and your mom.  you can also still want to love and help your mother in the NOW even though so many things have happened that are not typical of a mother-daughter relationship.

being an only child with a uPD/ PD parent is very difficult for many of us when it's time to leave the nest.  many of the members here were also not allowed to be their own person while taking on adult responsibilities at a very young age to take care of their parent.

this is a time where you can take not just a look back at all that has happened, but also a look forward.  what does localgirl want in her future?  it seems like you are so busy helping your mother with the enmeshment that the things that you want and need for your own self actualization and growth as an individual.

i also had a very difficult and complex relationship with my biological mother that led to complete no contact in my early 20s.  for us something BROKE between 6-7th grade and i was no longer enthralled by her or able to be swayed by her and went through a rough discard phase because she turned those attentions to my step sister, (and then other people's children she worked with)  and i became the eternal scapegoat as i was finding my own identity apart from her.

what does local girl want apart from her mother? what does local girl like?  what makes local girl tick?  that may be something you need to bring up with your T.

what boundaries would make you feel safer in this relationship?  what are behaviors are you willing to accept from your mother?  what behaviors are your enders or things that you refuse to engage with her about?  it is harder to set boundaries with the person you feel may have the PD when you are living with them?  this may be something else your T can help you with. 


it's a lot to go through and i am glad you are speaking to someone outside of the forum.  when you are ready to share more, we're listening.

[miffyxo]

I'm SO sorry you have had to go through all this, nobody should have to deal with this. I have some similarities to my own mother here who I recently broke all contact with. I see you are blaming yourself a lot for HER actions. Could this be because she has made you feel this way through years of her negative actions? You have no reason to blame yourself, it's no excuse for the way she is acting. I also have flashbacks of a very similar traumatic event to what you are describing with your mother, which I only recently started to remember after breaking contact - sometimes the brain does weird things to protect you and block things out and it's only now that I can gain clarity. I hope you can focus on your own life, I feel like she's holding you back in so many ways and that you can channel some of the help you give her into making your own life successful and creating your own independence. I notice she blames you for dropping out of college, but it sounds like a lot of that was down to the dependence she asked you for. Nobody owes their parents anything if they have been treated this way

[i remember now]

It sounds like you are talking yourself down. Are these the messages that have been put in your head since you were young. Do you have a strong inner critic. Is it her... What does the critic say. It is very good that you are reflecting back things from both sides but it sounds like you are protecting by taking blame and shame on yourself. The body remembers... it always does. Were the mind has to shut down because of the pain, the body will remember but as feelings. As triggers. It is good that you are going to therapy and are working on your happiness. It is good that you are talking. Sadly the story rings true to me but of course it will be different from yours. I am the bad daughter of a mother who was abused as a child and then went on to project all her pain onto me. She does not realise this because she would colaps if she did, she would stop to be.  It was my normal. She told me when i was distancing myself from her and was healing that i had changed so much and that makes her not know who she is. My wounded mother who even dropped me off with her abuser and then blamed me for daring to ask why my memory failed me. But the body remembers. I myself am in no contact... no longer angry. I still love her from a far. But that is something i have chosen. It is different for all of us i think.  Healing, did a lot of work on being me. Because I did not excist. She lived in me...her shame, her pain. She is gone now. So is the inner critic. I wish her well. Love yourself, you are you. Do it every day. Small steps... Food, excercise, therapy... Everyone has a path in healing. You can do it with the way that is best for you and who you are.
with warmth to you