"I fear PD person is doing that" response: "well arent YOU doing that?"

[Petite_Potatoe]

I feel like I'm at the edge of figuring something huge out but, I need help, words or resources!

It's this back and forth that really gets my insecure defense mechanisms in a massive fluster:

I am afraid that someone with a PD who used to be my friend is forcing people to chose sides- their side or my side.

Defense Mechanism (sounds like my PD parent) says: "Well by speaking the truth on how this person abuses their partners, aren't you dividing people and forcing people to chose your side?? Arent you also guilty of manipulation??"

In truth, i spoke the truth and didnt have an agenda, people can be his friend for all I care, that tells me how they (dont) fit in my life. I know for a fact my truth telling was to relieve toxic stress of keeping it all a secret. He is the one trying to get people to ban me from their lives.

I am struggling enormously with this defense mechanism (I want to be well liked and well received but i told the truth and am under enormous scrutiny right now) but like I am seeing it right now that I am not trying to manipulate, and this whole "well arent you manipulating people" is apart of what kept me in abusive relationships

Does anyone have any words for this?? Is this "reactive abuse" or an adjacent form of it?? What is this phenomena?

I am so sorry if I am so confusing that i make no sense

[square]

I've had a very hard time silencing my H's voice in my head. From years of constant repitition (not to mention a jarring level of nastiness), anytime I dare think a negative thought about him, his voice helpfully pops up in my brain to shred me to pieces without him having to actually say a thing, or be in the room, or have the faintest clue what I was thinking.

Frankly, I have not been able to proceed beyond reminding myself that those are manipulative and self serving words that do not stand up to basic tests of logic.

And still the voice yammers on, because he has successfully co-opted a basic function of the social hardwiring of the human brain. My brain is functioning as designed, but abusers can exploit this loophole.

I assume you fully understand the logical issues presented in your parent's words, but I will be happy to deconstruct them if you feel it could be helpful.

[moglow]

Defense Mechanism (sounds like my PD parent) says: "Well by speaking the truth on how this person abuses their partners, aren't you dividing people and forcing people to chose your side?? Arent you also guilty of manipulation??"

In truth, i spoke the truth and didnt have an agenda, people can be his friend for all I care, that tells me how they (dont) fit in my life. I know for a fact my truth telling was to relieve toxic stress of keeping it all a secret. He is the one trying to get people to ban me from their lives.

I am struggling enormously with this defense mechanism (I want to be well liked and well received but i told the truth and am under enormous scrutiny right now) but like I am seeing it right now that I am not trying to manipulate,

Here's a little food for thought - other people's opinions of us are really none of our business. Your friends will be your friends regardless of "talk," and people are pretty much going to believe what they want no matter what you put out there anyway. You don't have to keep secrets, nor do you have to be involved in that on any level if you choose.

In all honesty, speaking the truth you know regarding others and their relationships isn't likely to go over well - and to me it would look much the same as what this person is supposedly doing to/saying about you. That rarely ends happily no matter your reasoning. You don't have to explain anything about them or their stuff. You'd probably be better served to step back and stay out of his personal business altogether, let people know if they have questions about him that's where they need to go. You're not the one. They insist? Change the subject. Leave the room. End the conversation if needed. Still not your circus, not your monkeys.

Just maybe reconsider going forward.

[Petite_Potatoe]

Honestly, no regrets. This guy stares me down in public settings and urges me to come back into his life. I was a big part of his life for the better part of a decade. My truth with them was my truth with them-- it did spring up because i spoke up that he is also very abusive. I didn't go into detail because that wasnt relevant to my question.

I dont care about "happy endings" for the social situation regarding everyone I previously craved attention from, most of them arent my friends- and I honestly cut out anyone who wants to take his side hardcore.

It's weird that telling truth is being calling into question as that being the right thing to do instead of addressing the original question regarding the psychological process I am experiencing.

I know in my bones speaking out was the right thing to do. Also 3 women came and told me so.

[xredshoesx]

the truth is the truth. we have no control how others feel or respond to it.

i think the issue at hand is anyone here at this site letting how other people interpret the truth get inside their head.  i know for me, growing up i had to be able to instantaneously gage how my uPD mother would react to anything i said, so maybe as a flea/ survival mechanism i became very cautious whom i shared the truth with, especially after telling someone about the abuse in my home and it being downplayed.

as a result i very rarely talk about people who are not in the conversation and share very little with people who make the whole topic of a conversation folks who are not in the room bc imo, those are the people who are going to twist the words of others.

if you've been successful at making boundaries with this person who doesn't want to hear the truth, got validation IRL from others who were party to the situation it sounds like a win.  the question at hand is more how much time do you want this person who isn't a part of your life to be able to rent space in your head? if you are still ruminating about them and the situation, it's not been resolved within you yet.

[moglow]

I guess I'm in a very different place and honestly don't have the words/term for what you're experiencing. For me it makes more sense to address the situation and emotions within myself - why do I have a need to tell this secret? Is it actually my stuff or am I trying to explain myself unnecessarily to others? I can better trust how situations make me feel and my gut response, not necessarily what others choose to call them.

That's why my response is to think on what you feel, and be accountable for and to yourself and your own behavior. Telling the truth about another and their behavior while it may feel necessary, can absolutely still be seen as manipulation by some. Questioning others and feeling we must somehow defend our choices -even if from a distance- keeps us caught in their stuff, ya know? They still live rent free in our heads until we evict them.

[Petite_Potatoe]

Okay- slightly better grips on all this.

I can see how my actions create space for people to call me manipulative. In truth, i should expect such a response from such individuals, it's the same tactic and benefit as reactive abuse. However, I unloaded toxic stress by telling the truth, i brought validation to victims of him that felt very alone. My intention was to expel the stress more than have say in the actions of others, and was ready to let go of whoever wanted to take his side hard. I feel like I'll live longer with that off my chest and in the open (unless he kills me lol)

Apart of me is sad to see who will take his side, and be manipulated but I remind myself- none of those people would have helped me move and werent really my friends. There is no way i can stop people thinking what they will about me. The best thing I can do for my soul is to fearlessly not care what people think and honor the real friends who do show up for me in my life. It's brutal when your friends are also victims of abuse, but again-- they never showed up for me.

I am reeling, and yes, that is expected. I will reel in silence, i will listen to people's actions, and I will store my energy in better places.

For now though, i let em all live rent free for my grieving ceremony. I think the ceremony needs an end time though, 4pm today?

I think 4pm today

[moglow]

Maybe try also to let go of the idea that anyone needs to take sides? Whether or what they choose is theirs to decide, not yours. Everyone isn't the same and doesn't have to be. You may see one thing, "they" see some another - maybe you can agree to disagree and continue on.  Everything need not be black or white, good or bad, all or nothing.

I tend to look for shades of gray and accept that I don't need 100% agreement with others, whether friends or not. Life's much more peaceful for me now.

[Petite_Potatoe]

It's not as black and white thinking as it appears-- it's also a new day and im less in a pit of despair-- it's more like I have been through hell, and anyone who wants me to go back- intentional or not- I cannot be friends with. They have their own journey, and maybe down the road they will get out. It's not a total right-off judgement... I get they are in a very confused spot, as most of us are when you're in the throws with someone with a PD.

Today, i feel as though my speaking out was actually genius despite being an absolutely terrifying experience considering my family of origin and my place as a "liar" role. I spoke the truth, and the truth will shine, and people really needed to know my truth. I feel like a very, very good brave and big person for speaking out and enduring this attack to my social identity.

I'm not stupid, I'm advanced!!! 

[moglow]

Nobody 'needs to know" why or what you choose and need for yourself. Nobody but you. They can accept it in their own time. Or not. Someone harm you and you need to step away? Absolutely. Questions arise about others' safety? Absolutely. Argue whose truth is more worthy/important/must be explained to the very people who caused harm? Absolutely not!

That said, everyone else gets to make their own choices for their own reasons, and you STILL don't have to talk about it with them. Their stuff, remember? None of you have to agree and yet can still live your lives without animosity.