New member

[AppleTree]

Hi! Stumbled upon Out of the FOG whilst researching Personality Disorders, following my own "Lightbulb Moment".

Long story short - very lengthy relationship with many of the stresses and strains that necessarily implies. Long, long ago less than perfect conduct on my part and had long assumed that the behaviours of my partner were entirely explicable in that context. But always puzzled by her sometimes judgemental, aggressive and irrational responses to others and evident disinclination to hear other viewpoints, to the extent of talking others down, including me.

Have been very stressed by this in the past and actively considered divorce but always backed away. She has been telling me and many of her/our friends that I am autistic, a narcissist and have incipient dementia.

This has come to a head over the last 12 months and she finally agreed to couples therapy. Total waste of time! Even the therapist could not get a word in sideways! I jest not!

Offered to try a different therapist - but she refuses to participate. I'm attending anyhow.

BUT the "lightbulb moment" occurred this week when I had coffee privately with a couple who have known both of us for a long time. One is an very experienced clinical psychologist. We have rarely met away from my partner. On this occasion she was very helpful and quite to the point. She explained how my partner's behaviours are often symptomatic of more than one personality disorder and that her interactions with people other than me are also like that - "It's not yiur fault".

She also explained these things are difficult, often impossible to change even if the person recognises them and wants to.

So, I seek ways of accommodating this or the courage to exit.

[SonofThunder]

A very enthusiastic hello to you AppleTree, and warm welcome to Out of the FOG!  So very glad to have you join us.  You have found an understanding, friendly, worldwide community of people who walk the same trails together, as we navigate our lives with a personality disordered (PD) person. PD's may be 'chosens' (employer, friend, girl/boyfriend, spouse) and 'unchosens' (parent, sibling, inlaw, cellmate...).

The dynamics/variables around the two (chosen or unchosen) can be very different and imo (in my opinion), differences based on the gender of the PD. I have both a PDf (father) and a PDw (wife).  Ime (in my experience), they both could be diagnosed with a similar disorder but my experience is different because of variables mentioned.

I am currently separated from my PDw after multiple decades of marriage and stayed married for years after becoming educated about PD and myself.  Im so sorry you are experiencing your partner's behaviors and please know that you are not alone in your experiences. 

I will point you to the Personality Disorders tab at the top of every page, and then drop down to the top 100 traits and begin to journal which traits you experience with your partner. Then slide over one tab to the right and drive your tent stakes down firmly there in the Toolbox tab, which will provide you excellent guidance in self protection and other unique ways to equip yourself for living and interacting with a PD. 

Lastly, please see the Resources tab for a list of acronyms that are used frequently here on the forum, as it aids in shorthand understanding among each other.  Along the trails we walk together are the friendly campfires of the topical forum boards, and you have an open invite to join us at any/all.  We always leave a few open chairs around the fire for new members.  Please find a comfy seat, rest your weary feet near the fire, and settle in.  I look forward to chatting with you around the boards. 

SoT

[Boat Babe]

Hi Apple Tree. I was wondering if you have children. If you don't then things are definitely easier. My take on decision making is as follows: imagine it is your best friend/sibling in your situation. What would you advise them to do? I bet your answer came very quickly because it was a rational one and not burdened by your feelings for your partner. There's what we know and then there's what we feel. I'll leave you to ponder that.

[AppleTree]

Many thanks for the warm welcome!

It is, indeed as if a burden has been lightened when explanation and validation occur!

I've read the acromym list but not quite committed it to memory! 

The "Tool Box" is a fantastic resource. That is what convinced me of the merit of this space.

In response to BoatBabe - we have only one child, now very much an adult and very successful in his chosen career. So no real constraints there.  His partner is similarly successful in her (different) field. (No children and no intention to have any.)

The behaviour of my uPDw has not aided our relationship with them, indeed she and our DiL don't speak unless unavoidable. Also interesting, in the light of realisation, is my uPDw's attitude and response to my mother about whom she has nothing positive to say!

The journey begins!

[AppleTree]

After much browsing of the site one important question occurs to me......

..... what is the source (or sources) of the material in The Toolbox?

How did this come about? Who located and collated all this information and what is it based on? How had it been validated as legitimate and sound?

This may seem rather doubting, but I am genuinely curious since it is not a trivial piece of work, stated with much implicit confidence.

[SonofThunder]

After much browsing of the site one important question occurs to me......

..... what is the source (or sources) of the material in The Toolbox?

How did this come about? Who located and collated all this information and what is it based on? How had it been validated as legitimate and sound?

This may seem rather doubting, but I am genuinely curious since it is not a trivial piece of work, stated with much implicit confidence.

AppleTree,

You may desire to start your curiosity question at this thread link below, as the Out of the FOG book (I have not read) may supply you with desired information. 

What I can surely do is validate the Toolbox's effectiveness in my own life.  There are also other ways to validate the teaching in general, using trusted sources like Dr. Ramani and others (Dr. Ramani YouTube Link at bottom). She is not only a psych doctor but a professor.  You should easily align her teaching to the Out of the FOG Toolbox and Personality Disorder top 100 traits.

SoT

https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=93034.0

Dr. Ramani: Glossary of Narcissistic Relationships
https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PL3QtnfcMTMhEfRXN-Kk2vndn89nBZxKUj

[NarcKiddo]

After much browsing of the site one important question occurs to me......

..... what is the source (or sources) of the material in The Toolbox?

How did this come about? Who located and collated all this information and what is it based on? How had it been validated as legitimate and sound?

This may seem rather doubting, but I am genuinely curious since it is not a trivial piece of work, stated with much implicit confidence.

Your question piqued my interest. I thought about it and realised that for my own part, I don't actually care whether the tools in the box are validated by some authority as legitimate and sound. They give me ideas of ways I might handle my own situation. Some of them I had already implemented before even coming to this site, having no idea at all that my chosen behaviour might even be regarded as a tool. If I am desperate to complete a job that requires a screwdriver I don't possess I will find something else that works. A professional might say "how could you use a knife for that?" but meh. It got the job done. I might, of course, choose to buy a screwdriver for next time. That said (and I am sorry if it came across as dismissive or combative) I do think it is very wise indeed to question sources of advice and satisfy yourself that the suggestions are safe and sensible.

Like previous posters I can confirm that the toolbox aligns with my own experiences. My therapist, now that I have one, agrees with the strategies I have chosen to implement.