the point of reference in narc people

[desertpine]

I had a lightbulb moment recently that I want to share. I was listening to a video about narcissistic people and the psychologist said that the narcissistic person's only point of reference is themself and that is why conversations always end up being about them, why they lack empathy, why they think whatever you do or don't do is in response to them. And why they lack interest in your experience - your experience doesn't exist to them and they have no way to understand the concept that you have one.
This happens daily with my spouse and it's been both frustrating and confusing because he assumes whatever I'm doing is in response to him. For example, when he is downstairs and I decide to go upstairs - he will say that he will turn down the volume on the tv so I can stay downstairs. He assumes I'm going upstairs because he turned the tv on too loud. That leaves me confused because my interest was not in watching tv and my going upstairs had nothing to do with the volume of the tv. Or if I go home early from work, he feels flattered because he assumes its because I want to be with him. It has often felt like he has no awareness that my experience, my thoughts and feelings and needs, are unique to me just as his personhood is unique to him. I've even noticed this with our dog - that he assumes the dog is having the same medical issues that he is having. If he's constipated then he tells me to go walk the dog so that she poops. That one makes me laugh and I remind him that it is his bathroom problem, not her issue. If someone calls him to ask a favor, then he believes that person is  asking him specifically because they know how special he is. He feels flattered and honored.  I think it's because his name was the next one on the list to call since he's often available.
I will tell him that no, I'm not going upstairs because the tv is too loud but because ....  Or that no, the dog does not need to be walked right now, or I'm coming home early in order to take a long bath
But it's like I have to explain it to him or else he feels rejected, hurt or upset and he will sulk.
So, I now realize I tend to be drawn to people like this - they provide some kind of psychological structure for me to orbit around. Maybe I sought out someone to be a point of reference in part because I was raised by a narc mother who demanded that I prioritize and meet her needs. I am used to pretending my needs don't matter or don't exist. Maybe this is also part of engulfment or enmeshment? And the question for me is how to foster more independence and figure out how to find relationships that are more reciprocal?
 
Just putting this out there to see if it makes sense? Would like to hear success stories about having healthier relationships. Wondering what that might look like and feel like?! 

[notrightinthehead]

What you describe in your partner is a person who needs a lot of validation from outside. And there seems to be confusion where he ends and others begin.
Now why you would be drawn to someone like that, you suspect familiarity.
Does it bother you that you feel comfortable with self centered people? Are you resentful of such behavior? What exactly about your own behavior bothers you enough for you to want to change it? Which of your needs are not being fulfilled in this relationship?
I found that in order to change I needed to become very clear about the reasons of my unease.

[FoggedUp]

Thank you for sharing your lightbulb moment! Incredibly courageous. I needed to hear that. I cannot tell you how much I related to so much of what you said. So sorry you are going through that, too.

[AppleTree]

Welcome and thank you for sharing what you feel.

A question - do you, however deep inside, believe you can somehow change your partner, that rational response to them will make a difference?

It's very easy to make that assumption and so trap yourself because you think that just one more supreme effort will make a difference.

News flash - it won't! The way they are is them, not you!

I have found the first step to justified independence is accepting that. Once you do, setting boundaries becomes easier, because you don't have to justify what they are or setting them.

Set your boundary, stick to it and feel good about yourself because you have. If interrogated state once why you have done what you have done (eg gone upstairs) and refuse to be drawn into argument about it. You are a sentient, capable adult, you do not have to justify every action to anyone else and you are not responsible for managing his emotional responses.

There is a nice memory aid in the toolbox - JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain). You don't have to do any of those things!

Good luck.