Freshly discarded

[Kkat]

Hey all!  I was just discarded for the 5th time in 4 years by my likely narcissistic boyfriend.  I am ready to close the door forever.  Any advice on how to break free of trauma bonds??  This is of course still very painful as I foolishly had all the hope in the world that this last time would be different.  He destroys me and I still miss him.  I think because of how much he has devalued me this last time around was just really the nail in the coffin for my self esteem.  Never felt good enough.  He would basically undress women with his eyes right in front of my face, I felt alone sitting next to him, he withheld affection/sex, he was on dating apps while we were together, and would likely message girls on social media - just no proof.   He broke up with me the day after I moved into his place, then a few months later moved into my place when he love bombed his way back in, and just 2 days ago he gave me the silent treatment for days and then moved out while I was at work.  These are just the major hits, there are countless stories.  I am seeing my counselor tomorrow but I stopped seeing her for a year because I was actually shameful to admit I took him back...again.   Back to my original question - any advice for breaking the trauma bond?? 

[Poison Ivy]

Generally, it's easier to break the bond if you first loosen it by not living with the person and not communicating with the person. I realize, this is easy for me to write but hard for me and most people to do.

And start writing down (in a private place) things your boyfriend has done. I think it's reasonable to assume that his behavior won't change; having the notes will remind you of his behavior even if your mind is trying to convince you it wasn't that bad.

[Kkat]

Thanks... we do not live together as of yesterday and no communication will happen again, he is blocked.  I guess time too will help... I do need to make that list... i started one a couple years ago, time to add to it and just stick with looking at it when i start to think it was not that bad...

[1footouttadefog]

I would suggest you not only write what he has done but how you feel in detail. 

We can have relationship amnesia and sort of forget how it all impacted us, and our own suffering while being empathetic toward what they had going on and such as that.  Make notes so you can remember later if he comes back around. 

You want that info to make informed decisions. 

I am sorry your hopes it was right this time are dashed.  I am sure it's terribly painful.  Be sure things can and will inprove over time and this last round will bring lessons and healing. 

Be kind to yourself and build you up for you, you deserve it.  It's okay to cry. 

[notrightinthehead]

Good that you see a counselor. In addition to that, you could check out support groups for co-dependency and attend meetings, online or in person. Daily if needed.  Look at the bond as some kind of addiction and you need all the healthy support you can get. Do you still have friends? If so, ask them if you can call them and talk before you go back to your 'drug'. And just because you feel better, doesn't mean you can go back to it. Every time you go back, leaving becomes that much harder...
When you are trauma bonded, your feelings are in turmoil and your mind is foggy, you need to have clarity of mind and peace in your heart - that's your goal for now.

[Kitbit]

I feel for you. I just finished a course on breaking the trauma bond. I concur with others that list making is essential. It helps reduce the abuse amnesia, and really worked well for me not wanting to go back, even though I was the one discarded. Write about your feelings beside each point about what happened. It is a sobering practice, but it reminds me of budgeting in a way. I feel like spending, but then I consciously force myself to look at what I actually have in my account, and I'm awakened from a dreamy state that would lead me to overspend. I'm not saying it's perfect, but we need to be awakened from the daydreams that get us into trouble, sometimes going through the steps over and over again. Also make a list of what you want to move toward, what you value in life and love. Spend time with healthy others so that you do not feel drawn to go back to the source of the problem. Fill your inner resources so that you are not feeling deprived. Have compassion for yourself. Wishing you the best.

[Gman22]

Journal is a good idea.   Write very clearly words said, know that tone and implications are part of NPDs toolset, come back and look later for clarity.  Trust yourself.   

[Boat Babe]

You are very brave to make the decision to close that door. No good will ever come of opening it again and I think you know that now. Right now you feel absolutely awful, I remember that feeling. There's a lot you can do to keep you on track. Like everyone said, sit down and start writing a list (you will need a lot of paper by the sound of it). Write down all the horrible things he has said to you, all the horrible things he has done to you.  I did that and was horrified as a ton of ghastly things poured out onto the page. I kept adding to it over the first week as I remembered stuff. It was not pretty BUT everytime I started to yearn for him I made myself read my list. It threw a bucket of cold water on the twanging trauma bond. I also learned about the neuroscience behind trauma bonds - it is totally analogous to addiction - chasing the dopamine hit no matter what the cost. I approached going NC with Mr Crazy as an alcoholic in a 12 step program: one day at a time and total NC. At first it was hell. However, it was better than being with him and I KNEW that I would recover. I did. Life is back to normal five years later (in which time I had a healthy two year relationship with a nice guy and am currently happily single)
You can do this. Hugs.