Why am I triggered?

[Tribe16]

Haven't spoken to CNMom for 2.5 months. My Dad is stage 4 Parkinson's and I try and call each week. Our calls are usually short, but friendly, Dad never has much to talk about but always asks about what's going on with my family. He hasn't asked me for a very long time "Do you want to talk to Mom?" which I appreciate. But he did today and I swear I almost panicked. I asked him, "Is she right there?" and he said, "No, she's in the laundry room" to which I had a mental sigh of relief and said something like "It's ok Dad, I'm sure she's busy today. I'll talk to her another time. If she needs to call me she can." I know she won't because she never does call me. Being the HSP that I am, I felt a pang of disappointment from him, though he just said OK and didn't argue with me.

I cannot bear another conversation where I ask her how she's doing and she answers with a shrill "FiiiiIIIINE." And then she'll start in with some sentence that will begin with the words, "I know this will make you mad, but..." and there will be some dig or criticism attached.

I've managed the 2.5 months fairly well, there are moments when I get down and wonder why my mother has no interest in my life whatsoever, other than the odd text with heart emojis, which are totally fake to me because if I could liken actual visits with her to an emoji, it would look something like this     

Anyway, I know eventually I need to communicate with her (about my dad) but our last visit threw me into such a downer for weeks that my nervous system is afraid of a repeat. She intentionally withholds information from me as a punishment and my dad with his short memory and beginnings of Parkinson's dementia isn't exactly a reliable source of information as to his current condition.

Has anybody else successfully dealt with a PD mother caretaking for Dad? I have a sister locally that visits my parents every week or two and she promised she will call me with any major developments but I can sense she doesn't enjoy being in the middle between my mother and I and I am trying hard not to make it uncomfortable for her.

[Poison Ivy]

IMO, your sister isn't getting or being put in the middle between you and your mom if your sister relays to you things she observes or is told about your father.

[Call Me Cordelia]

It's understandable that being put on the spot to talk to your mother would be triggering. If you are like many of us, your family's MO was keep up the appearances, keep narc mom placated. I think your response was very smooth and brilliant. "If she wants to call me she can." Putting responsibility on her? Amazing.

It's okay if your father felt a pang of disappointment. He can handle his own feelings. Again, if you are like many of us, the parents' feelings have been made your responsibility. That's simply not true if you don't take it on anymore.

[Tribe16]

It's okay if your father felt a pang of disappointment. He can handle his own feelings.

Thank you for the reminder. I'm so busy worrying about my PITA mom, that I forget I take on my more passive Dad's feelings without realizing it.

Thanks Poison Ivy, you're right. As long as I'm asking for updates on Dad and not Mom, she shouldn't feel in the middle.

I realize this post was a bit of a whine - sometimes I just need to hear it from someone else to sink in and cut through the noise in my head.

Thank you.

[moglow]

I think your response was very smooth and brilliant. "If she wants to call me she can." Putting responsibility on her? Amazing.

Truth! I'm sorry Dad feels disappointed, but that's not your stuff. Truth be told YOU're disappointed here and have been for quite some time, or you wouldn't be where you are now. He's probably disappointed in her but can't voice it. Or maybe he has and has come to realize how fruitless that is. Your sister has the same options really - She's not in the middle, my guess is mother is trying to put her there. Familiar territory that, unfortunately. She may have to gently remove herself from conversations/gossip about you, shut it down and refuse to participate. If she refuses to take the ugliness in, it can't hurt her either. Remind her that she's not there to answer for or about you, and she doesn't have to try. That's not her stuff, it's mom's.

Tribe, mine is that way too [mother that is] - she very rarely asks anything along the lines of how I am or what's going on in my life, so rarely that small frissons of WTH! run through my body, wondering what she really wants. I stopped sharing anything tangible with her years ago and I'm not really sure she noticed. I got tired of a) being interrogated for hidden meanings and being roundly criticized and demeaned for whatever she invented in her mind, b) hearing my personal business elsewhere, and c) having her go sideways in the middle of a sentence, some commentary that had nothing to do with whatever I was trying to share. She's just not that interested unless it's drama or something possibly she can gossip about to others. And she dearly loved to drive wedges between me and my brothers! Eventually we all saw them for what they are and stopped participating. She can blather on about "the others" all she wants, it's not my stuff and I don't have to sit there for it. It doesn't change them for me one whit.

And the bit of a whine? Meh, we all need to get it out sometimes. That's why we're here. You do what you need to get through.