No boundaries -can be triggering

Dragonfly · August 13, 2023, 08:53:55 PM

Has anyone had a Mom that wouldn't take no for any answer- and insisted on showing you her rashes wherever they might be?

I had suggested that it would be better to ask a doctor..but that did not matter. She had this determined look and said , « You are my DAUGHTER! »

NarcKiddo · August 14, 2023, 05:55:05 AM

Mine is similar, although in her case it is usually her daughters she tries to inspect rather than vice versa. Because "I am your MOTHER".

All you can do is stand firm, insist she sees a doctor and refuse to discuss the rash. You can't stop her disrobing, I guess, but you can tell her to get dressed again or leave the room without inspecting the rash.

Cat of the Canals · August 14, 2023, 04:19:08 PM

"Keep your pants on, or I'm leaving!" is a totally valid boundary.

Quote from: NarcKiddo on August 14, 2023, 05:55:05 AMMine is similar, although in her case it is usually her daughters she tries to inspect rather than vice versa. Because "I am your MOTHER".

I think our mothers were separated at birth.

Pre-Out of the FOG, in a *very* rare moment of intimacy (the likes of which will never be repeated), I asked if my mother wanted to see my surgery scars. It was laparoscopic, so they are quite small. And she literally lunged at me and tried to touch them??!?!?! Like that was her first and only instinct.

Sneezy · August 14, 2023, 06:35:48 PM

Quote from: Dragonfly on August 13, 2023, 08:53:55 PMHas anyone had a Mom that wouldn't take no for any answer- and insisted on showing you her rashes wherever they might be?

This is my mom. All. The. Time.

Mom is forever rolling up a sleeve or hiking up a pant leg to show me her latest rash. Just recently, she wanted me to take a bandage off of her and look at her leg. I just couldn't. At least the rashes are real, although never as bad as she thinks they are. She also likes to show me her latest bruises, which, as far as I can tell, do not exist. What she claims are bruises look like normal skin to me.

My typical response is "Mom, I'm not a nurse and this kind of stuff makes me squeamish. If you're worried about it, you should go see your doctor." This exasperates her, but I'm just not a hands-on care-giver. My kids and my husband are one thing, but I'm not applying bandages and massaging cream onto my mom. Just ain't gonna happen.

lkdrymom · August 15, 2023, 09:04:25 AM

You just described my father. Had to show you everything. Or the oversharing. He loved to graphically describe his bowel movements. When I would yell 'why are you telling me this?" He'd reply "I thought you would want to know". Why would I want to know about that? Especially during dinner.

Boat Babe · August 24, 2023, 02:40:46 AM

Quote from: lkdrymom on August 15, 2023, 09:04:25 AMYou just described my father. Had to show you everything. Or the oversharing. He loved to graphically describe his bowel movements. When I would yell 'why are you telling me this?" He'd reply "I thought you would want to know". Why would I want to know about that? Especially during dinner.

Dear God, this is my mother and my late grandmother. Utterly obsessed by their bowels and astonished that no one else (aka me) does. This culminated in utterly gross behavior this Spring when I took her in for a month to care for her after a serious health emergency. I've seen more appropriate behavior in chimps at the zoo.

Dragonfly · August 26, 2023, 07:27:10 PM

Thank you all for sharing. There has been a lot going on here since i posted. Work has been nuts. Last weekend we had a wake and a funeral to go to - then more disruption from Mother. I just didn't have it in me to string a sentence together. The more work i do on myself-the more i am realizing how abusive it really is-and she enjoys it.

lkdrymom · August 27, 2023, 08:57:15 AM

Quote from: NarcKiddo on August 14, 2023, 05:55:05 AMMine is similar, although in her case it is usually her daughters she tries to inspect rather than vice versa. Because "I am your MOTHER".

All you can do is stand firm, insist she sees a doctor and refuse to discuss the rash. You can't stop her disrobing, I guess, but you can tell her to get dressed again or leave the room without inspecting the rash.

For the most part my father was easygoing. However on a rare occasion when he had to have his way he would sternly say "Lkdrymom I AM YOUR FATHER". I would bust out laughing and say SO? That line does not work on a fully functioning adult and means nothing in regards to you getting your own way.

Dragonfly · August 28, 2023, 04:01:40 PM

Amen to that!

moglow · August 30, 2023, 10:19:19 AM

Mine was known to throw out the "I'm your mother!" too, whether showing/telling hers or insisting on knowing of mine. No Ma'am, I'm an adult and I have no need of that information. I can and will leave the room or "look at the time, I need to get home." With all her doctor's appointments, she can address it with someone who can actually do something.

Be polite and be firm - if it's not yours you can't address it. And you'll take care of your own without her assistance.