Sister is Trying to Keep Tabs Through My Friends

[Kittenkatboots]

My sister doesn't want to leave me alone. And I fear she will be resorting to some of the police tactics my mother used to threaten me with when I was younger. If I didn't respond to her as quickly as she liked (even though I was always home, didn't have much of a social life because she made me fearful of her punishment for hanging out with my peers) she would threaten to call the police.

She contacted one of my childhood friends to see if she (the friend) still spoke to me. Because she wanted to make sure that I'm okay. She sent me a screenshot of the message.

I'm glad she's in touch with you.
don't tell her i asked.
i just want to make sure she's good.

My childhood friend also has a tumultuous relationship with her mother and sees my sister as a respectable figure that can give her access to things (status, connections, etc) so she doesn't fully stand up for me and disengage - fine! She is free to handle this however she wants.

But it's so frustrating when the childhood friend tells me "let's just assume the best intention here, that she just wanted to make sure you're okay" as if I don't know the person I'm trying to distance myself from. As if I don't know how she weaponizes concern just like my mother did. I'm slowly distancing myself from her as well. I don't want to give her access to me in a personal way. She is caught at cross-purposes with being my friend and her on personal MO it seems.

I'm so tired.

[notrightinthehead]

There is freedom from and freedom to. It sounds like your sister didn't contact you, so she left you alone for now if I understand your post correctly. So for now, you are free from her. It would be a waste to spend all this time on wondering about her and her tactics and shenanigans. The time would be better used to plan for and work on your healing from your childhood wounds. The freedom to develop yourself further.  Your friend might or might not be a part of this-better- future, dependent on how this relationship develops.

[Kittenkatboots]

It would be a waste to spend all this time on wondering about her and her tactics and shenanigans. The time would be better used to plan for and work on your healing from your childhood wounds. The freedom to develop yourself further.  Your friend might or might not be a part of this-better- future, dependent on how this relationship develops.

Good points. I think I know what I need to do here, but I've been dragging my feet. Keeping some people from the past actively involved in my life has offered some stability. But it isn't really as helpful to me as I thought.

[Srcyu]

I'm not surprised you're tired.
I think you've already worked out what's going on here.
Time to giveaway nothing about yourself. Medium chill or whatever.

Your sister has messaged her about you? How sweet    .
Let's just assume the best intentions here. Oh yes, let's.   

Friend does not get to call the shots here now - you do.

[Kittenkatboots]

Your sister has messaged her about you? How sweet    .
Let's just assume the best intentions here. Oh yes, let's.   

Friend does not get to call the shots here now - you do.

LOL this made me laugh and also brough to light how this is an opportunity for me to draw a line in the sand.

I think I'm unpacking some of the things I used to believe was an overreaction. Realizing nope - these positive spins do not honor what's happening in reality.

And that I don't need to feel guilt about not wanting any part of it.

[BerneseMtnMom]

This has been happening to me for three years now, since I went no contact with my sister following my father's death. 

I do not know how many contacts have been initiated through my sister and how many are true organic well wishes. 

How do you draw a line in the sand if they do not acknowledge that the inquiry is coming from your sister?  I can explain my approach, but it has generally not been very satisfactory.

[WombatOpera]

You have some good responses here but I would add, you have to keep new friends away from old friends because it spreads and I think that is the trickier part.  To do that you have to keep any social media friends list private, and also make sure old friends/sister can't see any comments or anything at all from new friends, or they will get in touch.

It's harder to make the new friends when you seem to have "no friends" because you are keeping them separate.