My brother is being emotionally abused by his wife - don't know how to approach

[eleven_11]

Hi everyone, I had subscribed to the forum last november for another issue - I was in a toxic relationship with a person with BPD 4 years ago and was confused by triggers in my current relationship. Now I'm writing for another reason, partly related to this previous trauma as well. - BTW, regarding the first issue, I think I did some deep analyzing and I think my current relationship is a healthy one with a supportive person, but I feel triggered and smothered sometimes because of my past trauma.

I am back now because of very bad family situation I've just found out about and is giving me nearly panic attacks and I don't know how to approach it.
I have an older brother who lives in another Country for the last number of years. He has been with his now wife for a few years. They got married not too long ago, and announced they were expecting a baby (the first baby in the family) who was born this year. We barely know her, because they got together just before the lockdown, then my brother came a few times to visit and arrange for the wedding alone, and we just briefly met her in two occasions until recently when we visited to meet the new nephew. So no one in the family saw them much together, and he has no close friends there.

We all got vibes that she is very demanding, high maintenance, and he acknowledges to anything she wants for small and big decisions, and he's been a bit all over the place when arranging the wedding, like there were many last minute changes or problems. Once (way before the baby) they were here and they fought for 4 hours in the night, and I could only hear her talk, like a monologue.

I'm just back home from being at their place for 3 days and I was shocked at seeing their dynamics because it's an obvious abusive relationship and I believe she has a personality disorder - could be BPD or narcissistic from the little I could witness.
In short, she continuously sends verbal microaggressions to him, anything he does is wrong, she talks to him with a very severe voice like that of a sever and angry mother scolding her son, she says negative things about him in front of me (like he has a brain of a 7 years old and he is a shitty husband). He takes everything quietly (and he is famous in the family for being the most touchy of the siblings, like my mum could never tell him anything or he would get offended), obviously to avoid any worse reaction. She constantly tries to create fights out of small things and accuses him of doing things on purpose to annoy her, things being talking to me for 3 secondsto explain a joke to me while she is reading. This goes on with every single thing he does during the day, it's like a microaggression every 30 seconds. He goes to the bathroom and goes back to the living room and she asks him "where did you go?". He does everything in the house - he has no paternity leave, works on a high demanding job from home during the day with her often entering the room to ask him things, then buys groceries, cooks, prepares the baby's bottles, walks her dogs, then he does the night shift, meaning he keeps the baby during the night in the living room. He has been sleeping on the couch next to the baby feeding him at night for the last 5 months. In 3 days, I didn't hear her saying one supportive thing. It's not just stress or fights - it's a one sided never ending deliberate punishment. There were also anger blasts, doors slamming and her locking in her room for 3 hours. We were about to leave for lunch with him and this was delayed until 4 pm because she was in mood and he had to console her in the room. His cat was not in the house and he told me it's because she's a bit allergic and also scared for the baby and so he gave it to a friend of him. He is constantly doing everything she says. He buys her favorite wine and she comments with a sarcastic voice "interesting, your sister prefers white wine" - made up, not true, never talked about it.
BTW, 2 days before my aunt was there, she was supposed to go have dinner at their place, but last minute my brother canceled that and went to a restaurant alone with her.

On the second evening, I talked to him, even if it's something we don't usually do in the family. I asked him how he can cope with this and if it's always like this. At first he was surprised and didn't understand what I was talking about. Then he said he knows it's not right, but I don't think he has the situation clear. He said he is talking to her about it, that he should be her ally and not her enemy, but then he started saying she's under a lot of stress and bla bla bla. I told him that it's worrying that she doesn't even have filters and she has anger blasts and this continuous attitude even in front of me, whom she barely knows. He just picked up on that, telling me he could use this argument, because when he talks to her in a tone she doesn't like in front of her family, she then "makes him pay it for a week". He must have talked to her about it right away, because I heard her scream "When did I shame you?" super loud (with the baby sleeping next to them) and she again ran to her room slamming the door and that was goodnight.

I thought maybe something would click then, but no. The next morning, I went to the living room at 7. My brother was already up, visibly didn't sleep the whole night (as didn't I) had already washed all the dishes from the night before and was about to wake up the baby. He came to me and told me he wanted to continue talking about the issue for respect for her, and he wanted to clarify she is very sensitive, that's why she reacts like this, that she is not mean, that he also has a difficult personality, and then somehow went on that road telling me that HE is not a monster, he lets her go out with her friends, etc. etc. I seriously have no idea where this came from.  From me talking about how she treats him, he felt he needed to clarify he has a bad personality but is not a monster. So I wonder what kind of manipulation goes on in her monologues when they lock up in the room. I am also worried about how often it happens they are there and the baby is alone in the living room.

She is very tender with the baby, as is my brother, and for now he is a super happy baby, always smiling and laughing, from the second he wakes up. But soon he will start picking up on the emotions around him - and the atmosphere was so heavy and toxic that I spent the whole 3rd day out of that house and came back as late as I could. And then he will start understanding words and will hear her insulting his dad 1000 times a day. I am crying right now thinking of this poor baby, besides thinking of how much my brother has gotten old, thin, and looked so worn out.

On this 3rd day, my brother texted me "sorry for the bad atmosphere, we talked and everything is fine now". Like you can talk and fix this kind of relationship. In the evening she was overly nice with me and for the first time she attempted to say 1 positive thing about my brother - that he is a great dad, except she had to add "he is a shitty husband, but a great dad". Of course in front of him. I hated this attempted performance even more.

They asked me to be the godmother when he will be baptized. I really don't know what to do now - I said yes, but this situation triggered me so much. These days I am feeling the same physical sensations of when I was in the toxic relationship with me ex with BPD: accelerated heartbeat, cramps in the stomach, I wake up at 4 am and can't sleep and start overthinking, I can't properly focus on my work. So I feel I have to find an excuse and not attend the baptism and not be the godmother with a virtual additional attachment to her and to the baby. One side of me tells me I'm selfish and this would actually be a way to be closer to my brother, because she is very religious and told me the godmother will spend a lot of time with the baby and help shape him as an adult - another part of me tells me I don't feel emotionally attached to the baby as a self defense, because I feel worried for him and I don't have limits when it comes to empathy and responsibility and I need some detachment from that toxic situation, helping as I can step by step, depending on how I personally feel as well. So this is one side of what I am struggling with.

Another big problem I'm overthinking about is of course what should I do? Here are some options I thought about, but I then have second thoughts.

1) Should I explicitly address the issue to my brother linking him some resources about emotional abuse? Would it be invasive? Would he be in denial, if he just thinks his wife is stubborn and over sensitive, especially seeing heavy terms such as "domestic violence" and "abuser"? I'm afraid he would just laugh and say I'm exaggerating, if he can't recognize all the red flags. But if it clicks, it would be it. I could give him practical advice, besides of course talking to someone, to include a person close to him in their life, so that someone witness the situation in the house. It makes me so desperate that no one is ever in that house or with both of them, from the family or his own friends. Anything can go on in there and only her best friend is ever in the house. They don't even have a babysitter of any helper for the moment.

2) Should I write him a letter telling him I'm worried in general for his health and for the fighting in front of the baby, without throwing any big word that may not resonate with him or may make him more worried, maybe bring my experience (when we talked that evening I mentioned I had a similar relationship) and suggest him a list of healthy things he could start doing to be a little bit better? In the list I could also include seeing more of his own friends he made there and sometimes inviting them over so that there is someone to check on the situation, not only her best friend.

3) Is it possible that I talk to a therapist here who also does phone sessions, explain the situation, and "gift" him two phone sessions? He could have them right after work or during lunch break. Or is it not a thing that a therapist is found by another person and starts the sessions with external information? If this is feasible, I wouldn't have to tell my brother much, just that I saw him so tired and following our talk I want him to have some me time and talk to someone since he doesn't have friends there. The therapist would already know the context and could lead the session trying to get some insight from my brother. Not sure if this is completely unethical or unheard of, or it's doable.

4) Should I do nothing? Would I just make him feel suddenly even more caged, while nothing changes? Sometimes I feel he is somehow coping with the situation and the baby makes him so so happy. Maybe not understanding the whole situation for what it is is also somehow a shell that protects him. He works a lot and is satisfied by his work. I saw he does engage going to the room after she had an anger snap and spend a lot of time trying to make things right, but he also sometimes say it "you know what? i go out" and he went out with us even if she was angry and didn't even say bye, and he somehow detached from that situation and normally hanged out with us and showed us the city happily. I couldn't do that when I was in my abusive relationship. Maybe he somehow can manage more than I did without losing himself completely, and since he loves the baby so much and she seems too, maybe they will understand that at least they need to stop the fighting in front of him and will maybe seek a couple counselor and things will start surfacing from that.

Additional questions:
- Couple counseling: in this kind of manipulative relationship: is it possible that the therapist doesn't identify the dynamic and she manages to manipulate them and the sessions as well?
- He should of course NOT talk about anything to her, in case I decide to send him the letter, or he decides to go to therapy, right? I suppose this could be terrible and she would freak out.
- Right now I see this woman as an evil person. I don't want to attend the baptism and engage with her both to protect me from exposure to PSTD, both because I don't want to pretend I want to talk to her. I actually hate her. Should I work on this trying to see her as a person with a disorder, and not as my brother's abuser? Is it possible to have a polite and normal relationship with someone who is hurting your brother and is a potential danger to your nephew?
- What is the classical pattern in these kind of relationships? If now she is super tender and protective with the baby, is it a good sign that she will not perpetrate the same emotional abuse on him when he grows up, or should I be worried that she can also psychologically abuse or snap at him?

I add that I got in touch with a new therapist for myself - I know I need help in this moment and can't just rely on rants on message boards. I want to talk about how this resonates with me so much, work on my past trauma, ask for advice on how to be near (spiritually) with my brother, but also not too emotionally involved in the situation to the point I constantly suffer for it. I survived my own abusive relationship and that is enough suffering because of another person for a lifetime. I also can't talk much to the rest of the family. My mother is 80+ years old and already stressed for another family situation, she is so happy for her nephew and thinks my brother is happy. I talked to the other brother, he listened and gave me a few ideas, but he's not the most empathic person and he hasn't experienced abuse on his own skin, so he is much less worried than I am and says things like "he is smart, he is not stupid, he will handle it". So here I am, besides seeking help from a professional, trying to talk with people who have been in the shoes of the abuser or the abused in similar relationships may have a precious additional insight on what could work and what would be counterproductive, on what I could manage to achieve and on what I should just give up because he has to get there on his own, etc.

Thank you so much for your patience. In the end I didn't manage to keep it short

[eleven_11]

Thank you for your reply! A first hand experience from someone in his shoes was exactly what I was looking for - of course I am so sorry you have been through this experience and I actually wish there was not one person on earth who has and is there to give first hand advice on this. I'm happy your friend wrote you and you managed to get out from that situation.

From what you say, I think maybe I got a bit lost in my long post and wasn't super clear about the conversation I had with him. I didn't mention emotional abuse, violence, or any strong word, or didn't even hint on something toxic. I'll try to remember the exact words - it was an impulsive conversations while tears were falling from my eyes, so not a prepared conversation.

I think in the evening I told him "how can you live like this? she is constantly punishing you and she didn't say one single positive thing to you in 48 hours". and he replied that he knows, he has to be kinder with him, she is sensitive, etc.

The morning after, when he told me "she is not mean, I am also a difficult person, etc" I think I was so confused that I barely talked, and he started the conversation saying "I want to talk a bit more also in respect towards her", so I felt I had to be really careful there. I think I told him "I told you because I've been with a similar person and I know how it can be detrimental, you always think it's your fault, but actually there's nothing you can do" and "maybe I'm projecting and you are handling better, if you're ok" and he told me "well, I'm not ok". That was it.

When he texted me in the afternoon, he wrote me "all good, we talked, sorry for the bad atmosphere". I replied "Ok, good. But I told you not for me. I felt sorry for you in general".

This is it. We didn't mention the topic anymore and I acted like everything was normal in the evening. I haven't texted him since Monday when I got back home.

So I'm not sure this was enough as a message, maybe your friend's text was much clearer? He gave you a clear keyword to look up and start your own research.
This is why I was thinking maybe I could send him a link, or at least some coping tools. But maybe what I said is enough.

I also have to add that despite being an adult, I'm the "little sister" in the family, much younger than him, and we don't talk much about intimate and "serious" topics in my family. I'm also known for being particularly sensitive and not hiding I dislike many people in general (that's my stereotype in the family). So I'm not sure he takes my words seriously unless there is factual information from other sources or a deeper talk that resonates with him.

I wouldn't be so worried if there wasn't also the baby involved. I feel he will soon start sensing things and understanding words and in these situations from the outside you always ask "why did the family let this be". From what I read, it's rare that abusers also act so openly in front of family and friends, right? I feel in the terrible situation the baby (and my brother) had the "luck" of the aunt seeing what's happening. And what if the aunt didn't do anything? I know this should not be my burden to bare, but I can't help thinking I could do something and maybe if I don't I will regret it if things get bad in the future.

[square]

My feeling is to stay away from labels and just describe. Or, better yet, let your brother know you're there for him, and stop criticizing his wife (because that tends to make people dig in more).

[Poison Ivy]

 

[notrightinthehead]

I think it's a good idea that you get help for yourself. Watching your brother in this abusive relationship seems to have triggered your own trauma. Maybe enabling emotional abuse is a pattern in your family?
Thinking back to the time when I was as deep in the fog as you describe your brother to be, what would have helped me would have been if someone had kept on telling me, this is not normal. This is not how kind and loving people treat each other. This is not love. And left it at that. Ultimately it is your brothers choice if he wants to continue living in the fog or if he has suffered enough and wants to stop denying what is clear for others to see. The fact that he takes what you say to him and brings it straight to his wife is a sign how deeply enmeshed he still is. They are both playing the game, he being the victim and her the persecutor.  Your job is to become as healthy and strong as you can possibly be and role model healthy behavior whenever you have the opportunity. Welcome to this site!

[eleven_11]

Thank you all for the precious input. I am trying to stay calm and wait for more input and will have my session with the new therapist on Wednesday.
For now, I decided my priorities will be
- Try to get better and address the triggers from my past trauma
- Decline being a Godmother - I feel this would just be a burden and an overload of anxiety. I will find a way to do it with a fake reason that is not connected the real reason.
- Following the therapist's advice and maybe more input from people who have been in my brother's shoes, I will try to check on him from time to time. I believe that not being a family where we talk about relationships and intimate issues may be both a good and bad thing in this situation. He won't open up too much with me, but at the same time me suddenly checking on him and letting him feel I am worried will be already a big thing, since it's something that never happened before.
- I will try to get my other brother more involved. He is a bit detached from the situation and has never experienced this kind of relationship, so it will need a bit of work to be taken seriously, but I feel I need an ally in the family and someone else who is aware of the potential toxic environment our nephew may grow up in. It will be good if he can also visit a bit more often and try to be in the house and not only see them for a couple hours at dinner and so on.

Maybe enabling emotional abuse is a pattern in your family?

I will try to dig deeper into this, but my first answer would be I don't think so. I've known all his previous partners quite well and they were all stable people and quite healthy relationships, as were mine and as is my current one. My other brother always had long lasting healthy relationships. What our two stories have in common is they both happened in a moment where we were living abroad in a new town. I wonder if when you feel lonely and a bit lost in a new environment you can more easily get attached to a person that suddenly makes you feel at home and fills your life, and you don't give much importance to their flaws as they start emerging, and then you lose yourself in the toxic dynamics. Also being in that context abroad, both of us didn't have many occasions to be with friends and family in presence of the partner for a long time. I'm actually still surprised by how I could enable my relationship.

[Leonor]

"I will try to get my other brother more involved. He is a bit detached from the situation and has never experienced this kind of relationship, so it will need a bit of work to be taken seriously, but I feel I need an ally in the family and someone else who is aware of the potential toxic environment our nephew may grow up in. It will be good if he can also visit a bit more often and try to be in the house and not only see them for a couple hours at dinner and so on."

I think it's great that you are going to focus on yourself, protect yourself from emotionally abusive environments, and remain open to supporting your brother if he reaches out.

I would reconsider triangulating with your older brother. I know your intentions are kind, but it's manipulative to try to drag your other brother into a situation that doesn't concern you, let alone him, in the hopes that he will interfere in your brother's marriage on your behalf.

Your emotional health and wellbeing counts and, frankly, unless your sister-in-law breaks the law or your brother explicitly asks you for help, how they handle their marriage and raise their child is none of your business. If your older brother is distant that's not a "problem" to be solved or a task to be "worked on," it's his decision and, ultimately, his life.

You've shared your concern. You've offered your support. That's all you can do without getting all enmeshed and up in his private family life and risking your own healing journey. You don't need someone to be your ally in healing your brother. You need an ally in your work on healing you.

[eleven_11]

I would reconsider triangulating with your older brother. I know your intentions are kind, but it's manipulative to try to drag your other brother into a situation that doesn't concern you, let alone him, in the hopes that he will interfere in your brother's marriage on your behalf.

Your emotional health and wellbeing counts and, frankly, unless your sister-in-law breaks the law or your brother explicitly asks you for help, how they handle their marriage and raise their child is none of your business. If your older brother is distant that's not a "problem" to be solved or a task to be "worked on," it's his decision and, ultimately, his life.

Sorry, but I disagree with this. I said I want another person in the family to be aware of the potential toxic situation our nephew may grow up in, so that maybe we can visit more often, since we haven't done much so until now - again, the situation is my brother leaves abroad and doesn't have any family or friends there. If I am to protect myself from exposure and I'm the only one who knows what's going on, it's like giving up on having someone just check silently about how the environment around the baby is.

"Until my sister in law breaks the law": it's not like if there's not physical violence there's no illegal behavior. It's just as physical violence and there's a law that regulates emotional abuse. If  a person from social services came to a household to witness the mother shouting and slamming doors 10 times a day in front of the baby and bullying the husband in front of them from morning to night, they would take action. And we can't know how her behavior will be towards the son when he grows up. BTW: I'm *not* saying I want social services! I don't want to intervene in that way! I know it's up to my brother how to handle the situation. I made this example to explain that it's not about being a noisy sister. It's already a situation where legally action COULD ideally be taken, so I don't agree with what you wrote.
I would just love to know that household is not isolated and anything can happen in there without anyone knowing, and ideally that my victimized brother has the tools to manage the situation at its best, protecting his own health and the baby's, even if they continue to live together as a family forever.
If there's a situation of abuse and a mother who may have a psychiatric condition, I don't see how it can be reduced to be interfering and manipulative to have another sibling aware of the situation and help keep an eye on how the situation evolves.

When I was in my toxic relationship 4 years ago, I would have loved for my siblings to check on me and intervene when needed. If I knew one was aware of it and didn't do anything, I would not be the happiest sister.

[Leonor]

Hi Eleven,

That's ok, support forums aren't for agreeing with what everyone else shares and posts, it's just to be able to share what you're going through in a safe space with people who have been there and are on parallel healing paths.

But as a lot of wise healers have also said, your primary responsibility is to yourself. No one here would advocate ignoring child abuse or abandoning a victim of domestic violence. No one has said that you should avoid spending time with your family. But rather that we are here to work on ourselves, only after learning in the most excruciating ways that we cannot work on other people, no matter how much we love them.

All I was pointing out was that you have done all you can do at this point by sharing your point of view, expressing your concern, and being willing to help.

The risk, which you have already seen with your brother, is that he becomes protective of his wife and family and defensive towards you. And dragging another family member into this will only create a rift which will pit you against your brother's wife.

And yes, there is a level of enmeshment going on when you are drawn to personally intervene in your brother's "chosen relationship" rather than share in the forum for inlaws. Fir bad or for worse, and this sounds certainly like it's for worse, this is your brother's chosen relationship. It's up to him to set boundaries with his wife and protect his son.

And you are a kind soul for wanting the best for him.

[Truthseeker1]

I am so sorry to hear of your situation. He is blessed to have a sister who loves him enough to try and help him through this tricky situation. A wise person once told me that you can't really teach anybody anything but they can certainly learn. When people are looking for answers and are curious they soak stuff up like a sponge. When they have some motivation to stay where they are, they can stick their head in the sand and defend their belief to the end. Your brother certainly has some strong reasons to refute what you are saying. With that being said I think we still need to try. We can test the water to see where people are. You did that.  It sounds to me like he has declared to you where he is.  The fog is just so thick in the beginning. You did the right thing in pointing out what you are seeing. I agree with the comment in the previous post where someone said "you know this is not right". Then leave it at that. Best to not force anything and risk alienating yourself from him. stay connected and available. He is eventually going to come Out of the FOG and will really need you.  When he does come to the realization that things are not right,  you will be there for him to answer questions and give him resources. Answering his questions and not going to far as to turn his question into an opening to preach the whole truth can be difficult. I would try to answer his questions with short answers and allow him to lead the conversation as much as possible. This is so hard for me to do but when I can do it, I find it very effective in helping others to discover the truth.  I just think people learn best when they want the knowledge. When what I have to say may be true but will rattle their foundation they are a lot less likely to be open to it. I really wish people would have told me early on in my relationship with updw that things were not right. I would have probably sounded a lot like your brother but I believe I would have caught on years earlier if others had just pointed it out but not really tried to push it to hard. Those are just my thoughts on the matter. I do applaud you for caring for him and the baby enough to get involved in such a difficult situation.
One last thought! It's easy to hate his wife for putting him through this. May be useful to try to see some positive thing in her. Not sure what from what you have said but there must be something. She sounds like a broken person but she is still a person. She is fighting her own battles.  Loving her, however that looks, however hard it may be, not enabling her but really loving her will usually produce more good in the long run than hating her.