Adult son

[GiGi6]

I have a son with pd.

He is 26. He has been a criminal since he was 13.he uses and sells drugs, has been shot and shot at least one person.

I have not talked to him since he was 21, for my own sanity.

He wants a lawyer as he is facing years in prison. He gaslights me and says to his dad that his depression is because I don't talk to him.

I spent at least 60,000 on rehabs. We sent him to family overseas, twice. His dad hired a lawyer to see his daughter and he did not show to court. He does and sells drugs, has trafficked women, stole guns and god knows what else. He fools people into thinking he is a victim. He had a very good life growing up, played soccer and had friends over whenever he wanted.

I lost his sister to an illness only 6 months ago. I am doing all  I can for her 9 year old daughter.

I wrote a note to my son and told him to write me back. I told him I love him. He won't write me back bc he wants to get me in the phone and get money.

Sorry for the rambling. It is such a long story.

I don't think I can survive talking to him. I have been in the hospital twice.

[SonofThunder]

Hello GiGi6,

I want to extend a very warm welcome to you on your arrival to Out of the FOG.  This forum is a great gathering of very kind individuals from all over the world. 

I cannot begin to imagine the hardship that you endure with your son, the loss of his sister and all that you describe. Im so very sorry that you experience these tremendously difficult and ongoing circumstances, including situations with your own health. 

I look forward to joining you in communication around the boards and again, so glad you have joined this very wonderful community of caring friends. 

In prayerful thought for you and your family,

SoT

[bloomie]

GiGi6- hi and welcome to the community. My heart breaks just hearing of all you have endured and so I cannot imagine how tough this is for you to be living with. I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter and thankful you are a safe harbor for your granddaughter.

It seems you are at a point where you must prioritize your own health and wellbeing in order to care for yourself and this child who is depending upon you.

Your son is an adult making catastrophic decisions. He is 100% responsible for those decisions and the consequences of his actions are his to bear.

One of the things I am learning to do is to get very clear on what is mine to do and what is another's to do. Thinking through where I begin and end and another begins and ends has been key in learning to set limits and boundaries over how involved I am in a given situation and how I allow myself to dwell and think about things. So, both physical and emotional/thinking type boundaries are giving me space to heal and grow and recover.

This community is really good at empowering each other to reclaim our lives and our peace. There are resources all over the board and great insights and conversations taking place across the forum. Make good use of all of those things as a way to bolster your strength and your already very wise decisions to not rescue this son.

I wanted to offer you a list of resources for parents and family members of addicts. Take a look at the options and see if anything seems like a good fit for your needs. I have found that spending time here at Out of the FOG, along with other resources, can work together to bring comfort and peace.

https://healthyliferecovery.com/support-groups-parents-of-addicts/

Keep coming back and sharing as you are able. I look forward to supporting you!

[Truthseeker1]

Oh Gigi6, heart breaking to hear your story. I am glad you are here though. I think you will find much support here. You will find many others have similar situations and can understand your pain.  It has been so therapeutic for me just to share my story and actually feel understood.
You have some very difficult choices in front of you.
You must acknowledge there are only so many resources available to you. Your time, energy, and money are infact a limited supply.  If you spend the bulk of your resources on the one who is unwilling or unable to change, the others in your life will undoubtedly suffer.  In hindsight, I waited way too long to figure this concept out.  What actually helps people is not always what we think and it is rarely what they ask for.  I am so sorry your son is having such a difficult life.  IMO somtimes the best way to help is to not help. Let him take responsibility for everything. Although I have had to cut off my material supplies to some, I do continue to pray for them. My advice is to take care of your grand daughter. Put your energy into her. Even though you may mean well, be careful not rob your granddaughter to pay your son or you will end up hurting them both.  Again, so sorry to hear of your predicament. I know you are facing tough decisions and I wish you the best. 
Remember, there is safety in a multitude of counselors.