Not sure where to go from here...

[MountainMan21]

I'm so confused with what to do.  I suspect my spouse of 15 years has personality disorder, though not sure if more BPD or PPD.

Big issue of contention with us is my family.  She is convinced that they all hate her and are out to destroy our marriage.  All of my family has always been nothing but kind to her, but she swears that they secretly hate her and that I'm working with them to undermine her.

It is to the point that she refuses to let our son have any contact with my parents or my siblings. I feel like I am to blame for some of this as years ago I gave into some of her demands hoping it would appease her and things would get better, but all that resulted in was not seeing any of my family for.a number of years.  Recently I have seen my family a few times, and she refuses to let my son be a part of any visitation unless it falls under very strict and specific guidelines.  Even then if I follow those guidelines I pay for it in the form of divorce threats, insults, general anger, and rage texting. Generally I don't even respond as I have just learned to identify it as a way to get an argument and reaction out of me.

I could go on and on for pages but won't in the interest of being brief.  Honestly I just want the relationship to be over but fear both losing time with my son and also that my wife would poison him against me.  She has numerous times in the past said terrible things about me to him, but I figure at least I was around to defend myself.  If we were divorced I fear that she would trash me to him at the times when she had custody of him.

Is anyone else in a similar situation?

[SonofThunder]

Hello to you MountainMan21,

A warm welcome to Out of the FOG!  Im sorry are living with a PD spouse. I have a similar background, married for 3 decades, now separated. I have dealt with all of the traits/threats you mention. 

I want to recommend you begin your exploration with two tabs found at the top of every forum page; Personality Disorders/Top 100 Traits and the entire Toolbox tab.

I suggest you read down the top 100 traits, clicking/reading on the ones that align with your experiences and then start a private/secure journal where you take notes of what you find, as its crucial we non-PD's educate ourselves in secret.  If we reveal what we find to the PD, that revelation will be denied and then fully used against us. Proof of that can be found over and over here in member's writings.  'War-plans' are not for sharing. Ever. 

While you are browsing and learning those two tabs, privately check out the YouTube series (link at bottom) by the fine Dr. Ramani.  Her glossary series will align with the many traits you read about in the suggested tabs.  She is an expert on these disorders, well recognized as such and a college professor.  You will notice she uses the term 'narcissist' in most of her videos, because that term is a foundational term for the range of personality disorders, as the PD's focus on 'self' is foundational. 

You may also want to drop by the Welcome Mat board and officially introduce yourself as well, as it will let folks here know you are a new member and say hello. 

Lastly, when at the Top 100 traits drop down at the Personality Disorders tab, take notice of 'Imposed Isolation'.  When you write:

"Big issue of contention with us is my family.  She is convinced that they all hate her and are out to destroy our marriage.  All of my family has always been nothing but kind to her, but she swears that they secretly hate her and that I'm working with them to undermine her."

And

It is to the point that she refuses to let our son have any contact with my parents or my siblings

Know that isolation is similar to the high walls of a cult compound.  The cult leaders tell the cult members inside that the high walls are to keep troublesome outsiders from entering and causing trouble.  The truth though, is that the high walls keep the insiders inside, so the outsiders can no longer see what occurs inside the compound walls.

https://outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/2015/11/4/imposed-isolation

Dr. Ramani: Glossary of Narcissistic Relationships
https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PL3QtnfcMTMhEfRXN-Kk2vndn89nBZxKUj

You sir are not alone in your experiences!! See you around the boards,

SoT

[Cat of the Canals]

Even then if I follow those guidelines I pay for it in the form of divorce threats, insults, general anger, and rage texting.

In the past, I've read that one way to distinguish between BPD and PPD is that if there is raging and splitting (black and white thinking where people are either "all good" or "all bad" and sometimes flip back and forth depending on the PD's mood/favor/etc.), then it's BPD.

People can also have more than one PD, and the most common comorbid personality disorder for PPD is BPD.

BPD also comes in different "flavors," which makes things more complicated. I couldn't figure out if my mother was NPD or BPD until I read Understanding the Borderline Mother by Christine Lawson. She divides BPD into four types: Queen, Waif, Hermit, Witch. My mother is a textbook Queen. My MIL, on the other hand, has less of the grandiosity and leans heavily into the paranoid end, which is the Hermit type.

[square]

Wow, that sounds really tough.

You're in a position where you are required to give ground that belongs to you, but then more ground is required, is never given back to you, and a cease fire will not occur.

I do understand the fear that refusing to give more ground will lead to escalation. So there is no winning.

Sorry if I missed this info, but how old is your son? What is your relationship with him currently like?