Oof, I think I messed up!

[SaintBlackSheep]

In my previous threads, I explained my nMom and enDad's behaviors--basically they live a full day's drive away and I'm trying to go VLC, but mom texts obsessively on days where she decides she needs my attention.
I've been decent about grey rocking and sticking to boundaries, but yesterday, in a moment of stress and overwhelm, I snapped. She kept texting a bunch of flying monkeys at me. I responded we had too much going on and couldn't talk. My oldest kid has serious health problems and has been having a hard time and needed to get medical treatment. I told her I was tied up with this and was not feeling good myself, and also shared that work was rough with a couple of examples, thinking (why, IDK!) that giving her some context that I really am struggling and not just avoiding her would yield some empathy and she'd back off. WHY DO I THINK THIS???

She predictable did not back off, and I texted her a long message about the reason I'm trying to reduce contact with her, how her behavior exacerbates my health issues and my kids', how the most recent summer visit was a shit show and how it impacted me and continues to impact me. So I basically handed her a supply on a silver platter.

Nothing I said was mean, just true--like X happened, and I felt Y because of it, and now I will do Z. But still. I know better. I was just worn down.

BUT all the garbage demanding texts abruptly stopped then and its been 24 peaceful hours. However I bet she's showing anyone she can the "awful" thing I texted her! (It's actually not awful, like I said, just factual. but too much info.)

I anticipate some flying monkeys now...will it be A. a call that she is in the hospital, B. an angry call from some distant relative who heard how terrible I am (again.) or C. a hateful Alexa ambush from my Dad, who will once again try to shame me for "upsetting my mother." OR...maybe, just maybe, she'll leave me alone!! Is that too much to ask?

[Cat of the Canals]

Live and learn. I think we all fall into JADEing (Justify/Argue/Defend/Explain) sometimes. We're only human, and they are sooooo good at pressing our buttons.

On the other hand, you've been rewarded with a Silent Treat(ment)! Enjoy it while you can.

[moglow]

Well there's always an upside - should she fire off another round tomorrow, you can borrow from me: Was I somehow unclear in my message(s) yesterday??! Now is not the time. I need you to back.off. Enough is enough already! Say it TO her, full on sarcasm and frustration if you want to. And don't apologize. She couldn't buy the very clear clues she's been given, so you needed to hand them to her yet again. More forcefully this time. And enjoy the silence some more.

And flying monkeys? Honey they're easy. You can always answer, And this is ...? You feel it's your business because ...? Laugh - and hang up.

You owe No One an explanation, no matter how they badger. You've asked and you've told her nicely, now she gets what she gets. You're over it

[Boat Babe]

Live and learn. I think we all fall into JADEing (Justify/Argue/Defend/Explain) sometimes. We're only human, and they are sooooo good at pressing our buttons.

On the other hand, you've been rewarded with a Silent Treat(ment)! Enjoy it while you can.

They know exactly what buttons to press because they installed them. Hugs Saintblacksheep

[SaintBlackSheep]

Thanks Moglow and Cat. I keep forgetting about JADE. I feel like I live my whole life in a constant state of JADE. I've been starting to become more conscious about not overexplaining myself at work, and I realized that I used to do it constantly.
It's always a great reminder that I don't owe anyone an explanation!!

They know exactly what buttons to press because they installed them.

oooh, Boat Babe, spot on! It is so helpful to talk to people in this group because you get it. I struggle with so many emotions regarding my parent relationships that it's really hard to see things clearly, even things I know in my brain to be true.

I feel SO SAD about this! but it's complicated by how sad I feel that I sent nMom 3 different texts that, yes, contained info I knew she didn't want to hear about why I would not host them or travel to them for Thanksgiving, but also contained details about a number of rough things going on in my life, and it's been 2 days of radio silence. I am NOT sad to finally get a break from talking to her, but it's really terrible to know my own mother (and by default, my enabling father too) has been told that one of their grandkids with a serious disease is once again struggling with said disease, and they've been told I am once again struggling with my heart issues, and also that several specific bad things happened to us this week, and yet there's no support, no care, just nothing.
Once I had kids of my own, it finally became obvious how terrible my parents' treatment of me really is. I cannot imagine treating my own kids that way, not even for a second. It still hurts to be cared for so little, even though I should be used to it. 

[moglow]

Yeah that old catch 22 - tell them you need them to back off and why, and still not a glimmer of "oh I'm so sorry! I didn't stop to think. Please let us know if anything we can do to help you!" You know, show just a titch of compassion??

Try to find a way to set it down as not.your.stuff, and keep paying the good stuff forward wherever you can. Maybe force a hug or two on your kids and let them know just how special they are.

[SaintBlackSheep]

It's been a blissful week of NC w/nMom and enDad! It's been radio silence since I sent my "burn it all down" text. Yay! I forgot to mention previously that this was also the text in which I said "due to stress-induced heart problems, I am unable to host OR travel for Thanksgiving." So I guess that dark cloud is finally off my back--I'd been dreading how to tell them no Thanksgiving visit since our disastrous visit with them in July--2.5 months of dread!

So this past week, my husband had a birthday. I've limited my social media posts so my mom can't see most of what I share. But apparently she saw my birthday post to my husband on his social media, and has been lovebombing him via dementia-induced Amazon gifts! So my question is, do we ignore, or should he send a thank you text and end the bliss of the silent TREATment? Saying thank you for a gift is what we'd normally do as normal, decent human beings, yet I feel like once he opens the door with a simple "thanks for the birthday gifts," the floodgates will open.

Also, how do you calm the emotional rollercoaster once you get what you want? there is a *tiny* part of me that feels guilt over the fact that my parents will be sitting home alone for Thanksgiving. There is a much MUCH bigger part of myself that is SO SO relieved, as well as the big part of me who wishes to remain alive instead of allowing myself to die of stress-induced heart failure, so there's that. But how do you get off the emotional rollercoaster? I'm not used to feeling so conflicted, especially over getting what I wanted, which was not to have to spend my birthday/TG with people who are mean to me and my family, and not to have to talk to them much in general.

[moglow]

The only one who can control your response to their shite is you - They have no power there [she said in her best Glenda the Good Witch voice]. Truth be told, you don't know until you get "there" with your TG peaceful and plentiful without them. I've no doubt you'll stress a bit here and there, flinch when the phone rings [if you forget and leave the ringer turned on hint hint] and probably even wonder what they're doing. Maybe head all that off at the pass with a quick Happy Thanksgiving from all of us text that morning then go blissfully about your day.

[Cat of the Canals]

The thank you is a tricky one -- the gifts are clearly lovebombing, and your parents are likely to interpret any contact as the "all clear" sign. On the other hand, like you said, the decent thing is to say thanks.

When I have been in similar scenarios, I went the "be a decent person" route, with the understanding that the other person would probably assume all is forgiven and forgotten, and reminding myself that just because THEY interpret it that way does not make it so. In other words, be prepared for mom to return to business as usual and have your boundaries ready for deployment.

The only reason I would not acknowledge the gifts is if I had explicitly requested a period of no contact.

As for the emotional rollercoaster: I remind myself how we got here in the first place. I'd be happy to spend time with my PDmom or PDmil if they could behave decently. I'm not asking for perfection. I'm only asking for the basics: no judging, no nagging, no rudeness, no racism, no entitlement, no pettiness. Just be effing NORMAL! It's not that hard! Just shut your mouth for a few hours and be POLITE. Well, they can rarely do that. So why would I want to spend time with them? Why would anyone? I don't care that one of them squeezed me out of her lady parts and the other did the same for my husband. I owe them the same amount of respect and consideration they give to me. It's very little, so that's what I give back.

They are alone because of their behavior. As a friend's mother used to say, "You are the recipient of your own actions."

But I know it's hard at first. It's a process but the guilt will lessen over time. It will feel slow and then there will very likely be a "straw that broke the camel's back" moment. A situation where you feel absolutely, 100%, unequivocally justified in whatever boundary they are trying to cross, and that will be it. The guilt will just be gone. For me it was when my brother-in-law died. I asked for space and my mother said "oh, of course!" and then almost immediately sent me an email with a video related to one of her stupid non-profits, telling me I needed to watch it to the end and then we would "discuss it on Friday," with the implication that I should call her to do so. The absolute balls to assign me homework when my husband's brother had just died was just so over the line. She was willing to give me a predetermined allotment of "space" and then I was expected to get over it and return to bowing before Her Holiness. Hard pass.

[moglow]

Mo stuff: a few years back when mommie dearest had been spinning like a top and spewing nasty everywhere, my nephew and wife invited me to her family's for Christmas Eve gathering. Niece's parents are phenomenal, pull every and anyone into their inner circle, they've heard a few tales of md and her shenanigans over the years but I don't think they ever witnessed anything. Anyhoo the ladies were hanging out over champagne and munchies when my phone buzzed, text from md: Have a nice Christmas. [no emojis, no happy, just that statement] The look on my face must have said it all, as I handed my phone to niece. She was horrified. That's IT, that's ALL after all this time - from your MOTHER??? Her mother was just as gobsmacked. She hugged me and said, well if that doesn't justify opening another bottle I don't know what will.

Having people in your corner will make all the difference, no matter what happens going forward. Knowing you're NOT deficient in any way and having them reaffirm that will absolutely help you. Having them witness even the little slights and insults? Priceless. All doubt removed without you saying a word.

[SaintBlackSheep]

And the weird lovebombing gifts persist!!! Every day this week, a different random package has arrived to our house! Three different deliveries of very very weird birthday gifts to my husband. I wish I could specifically name them without giving too much away because they are REALLY random and funny! And then today, the kids, who are older kids 9 and 14, got a halloween box with a bunch of junk from the dollar tree. She paid more for shipping than the "gifts" cost. Now she is messaging 9 on her tablet to ask if we got the gifts, naming them specifically before the box even arrived. IDK how to handle this.
It's triggering for me because growing up, it was very common for her to melt down and act horribly abusive, then go out and shop for a bunch of thoughtless random cheap crap to "gift" me, and then act persecuted when I failed to express sufficient gratitude. My bedroom was a giant trophy of all the crap she gave me after each meltdown, and I could look at each thing and recall all the horrible things she said. And when I would try to clear some of it out, the guilt trips would begin. Probably why as an adult I LOVE throwing unneeded things out!
So I am feeling triggered, unseen, unloved, but this is all familiar. 9 texted her a generic "thanks for the stuff" and I have to call it done, because I am too exhausted to GAF.

[nanotech]

So don't GAF, and show her you don't.
Being triggered doesn't mean you have to respond to anything. Acknowledge the feeling and then put any of your habitual responses away, and live your life. Also put away any further communication regarding this matter- in terms of this interaction you've said what's needed to be said.
Gifts are being used as a tool to abuse you. It's attempt to press your guilt and obligation buttons, so that you 'get back in line'.
If anything else arrives, best if you can, not to acknowledge. Yes, it's hard. But we all know that these 'gifts' are to tease, not to please. If you don't respond any further, there's a chance you'll break a pattern of behaviour she's used for years to control you- that of her giving you gifts to hoover you back in after a meltdown.
Put the speculation away as to her feelings and your possible obligations. - it's what they look for to haul you back into the fog. Don't concern yourself with the silliness of the gifts and the way she's wasted money on posting trashy stuff- these are her issues. Yep, it's a senseless way to gift give, but it's a last resort to try to get your attention. She would love you to ring her and point out that she's spent more on postage than the gifts. Bad attention is just enjoyable for her as the good attention. So just beware of that too.  Don't give these gifts another thought. Not one.
 ATM she's renting a huge amount of space in your head. I'd throw out the stuff if I were you. Particularly if it's triggering to look at. Interesting that as an adult you like throwing unneeded stuff out. Remember when you look at this stuff, that you are an adult, not that little girl any more. Give that little girl a hug by getting rid of these  unwanted things that have come in the post.
She's not important.
I would ignore it all and enjoy your family of choice.
The family you've made, see you and love you.

[moglow]

It's like getting that blanket fauxpology with no change in behavior "but I said I'm sorry for whatever I did, what do you want from me??" Oh but I sent presents, it's all okay now!! Except it's not at all.

Mine didn't do gifts but  would go silent after one of her episodes, pop up weeks or months later as if all is right with the world (until she decided otherwise). Bring up anything that needed to be talked out and you were "dredging up the past - I thought you said to let that go!!" It was all very subject to her inner timetable and the expected responses she had to get. If you didn't beg forgiveness or offer enough gratitude she'd just lose it sooner.

Ride it out. You don't have to do anything here but decide what you want.

[SaintBlackSheep]

Thank you Nano and Moglow! I appreciate the reframing. It's helpful, and it also helps me see how fogged up things can get. I haven't lived near her in over 20 years and the fog still shows up from time to time! It's fascinating for me to see how my kids look at all this compared to how I look at it. They didn't grow up with that disfunction so they just think it's kooky, and feel no pull to interact or react or anything--because they don't have those buttons installed like I do!!
I recently got back in touch with two of my high school friends, and I sent them pics of the crap thats come in the mail all week. THEY ALWAYS KNEW my mom was a nut! It's just as gratifying to hear 25 years later. IDK why I feel like I need so much validation regarding all this--I am not prone to this kind of insecurity in general, but with my parents, IDK which end is up sometimes.

[Cat of the Canals]

We come pre-programmed to trust our parents implicitly. On some primordial level, we know we have to in order to survive as babies and even older children. So it can feel really counterintuitive to start questioning that.

Add in the fact that some of our PD parents have very good masks, and you start wondering whether anyone will even believe you. And then there's all the "propaganda" around the idea of parents and family. But it's your family/Blood is thicker than water/Honor thy parents/Mothers are heroes/etc/etc/etc. There's a lot of that kind of noise, and it's hard to tune out sometimes.