Resuming contact tentatively- finding the humor

[Pinkos]

So I wrote a post a few weeks back about how I resumed contact after several years of barely any contact. It went pretty much how you'd expect in that nothing has changed.

I was planning to go back to no contact but I ended up speaking to my father a couple times since my last post on this.

They were searching & bought a new house during this time and he was very eager to gloat about it. He kept calling me back to back after they moved. I finally returned his calls and from what I put together they went to visit a friend of theirs about 3 months prior to their move. This friend bought a really nice house. Big! He's a middle aged man with small children.

After seeing the new house, my parents who are empty nesters decided they want to buy a new house too. I predict this is my mother's doing. She's very much keeping up with the joneses always needing to one up friends/relatives. Their old house had appreciated considerably. Reading between the lines, they looked for 3 months and felt desperate. The realtor then talked them into a house that is 13 miles further from where they were. So longer commute. But bigger/nicer house supposedly. I don't know how much their mortgage payment is now but the house ate up their entire equity from the old house and then some.

He claimed that they are just so happy and don't want to leave their new house to go anywhere. It's just so amazing! The realtor was so amazing! Everything is just so amazing and they're so happy! Did he mention how amazing it all is? When I asked about furniture he dodged it and intimated they couldn't afford new furniture. They are terrible at interior design/taking care of a house. They didn't have the nicest furniture at their old house. He's retirement age and she works a service job. I doubt they have much saved for retirement.

I believe they bought a new house because their friend bought a nicer house than theirs! It doesn't align with their needs and finances at all! I know how realtors/lenders can be so I don't know if their realtor is truly amazing or just fed into their delusions to get a nice fat commission. It just seemed so rushed and insane to me that they made this decision in the current market! But it also makes me laugh randomly when I think about it! Especially because he wants to rub it in my face so much about how perfect their lives are and what a loser I am!

[blacksheep7]

Hi Pinkos,

Brave of you to resume contact. Sometimes we need to see for ourselves. Been there, done that.  Unfortunately they do not change.

I am sorry that this is what you got.  

As for their new house, Pds function greatly in working their image to others showing off Perfection, Kindness & Love.  To their loved ones, a different story.


Quote: Especially because he wants to rub it in my face so much about how perfect their lives are and what a loser I am!

I was wondering if he did say something in particular, pretaining to you being a loser or is this just how you felt?
 
I was offered a  punishment on a silver platter when I reconnected. I went back to nc not long after.

[Pinkos]

@blacksheep7 Thanks for your kind words. Oh they have been so displeased with me all my life. Riding me like Zorro and telling me how I'm just not measuring up. My job is not prestigious enough, I don't have a masters degree and I don't have a nice house/nice car.

Our second call he asked if I was still at my job and at my apartment and believe me I received the message from the tone. Ha! I'm sure you know what I mean. Every convo we've had he's been pressuring me hard to come visit, which is when I expect to receive my silver platter of punishment. Love the way you put that!

[blacksheep7]

Wow Pinkos, sorry. Bad enough that you had to hear that all your life, they still want Perfection from you that has to fit their standards. That's how I see it, sad. Making you feel like you are just a nothing, a nowbody worthwhile because you have no degree, job,or nice enough house and car! No pressure.

Pd parents rely on their children for their own image and worth. I had different pressure from NF but the more he pushed, the less I did.

Parents wanting their children to have pre

[moglow]

Methinks someone is building it up in his mind to justify the insanity of it all. I don't begrudge anyone upgrading, buying a new home etc but seriously. If you're going up at retirement age, be prepared to go all the way up. Don't do it halfway and don't beat others down in the process. Either be happy or be silent, ya know?

Your answer: Job is amazing! Home is amazing! Life is amazing! Thanks for asking. You're busy busy, not sure when you'll be available for a visit

[blacksheep7]

Oops, I just saw that I hadn't finished my sentence.

I like what Moglow wrote:

Your answer: Job is amazing! Home is amazing! Life is amazing! Thanks for asking. You're busy busy, not sure when you'll be available for a visit.

[moglow]

These days I'm very much subscribing to be nice or be gone. I refuse to provide ammunition to incessantly negative and insulting people, whether parents/family or anyone else. Let's face it, nothing will irritate them more than good stuff - so feed 'em that in abundance and enjoy it! None of what they say or think is a reflection on you. The petty is all on them. 

[blacksheep7]

These days I'm very much subscribing to be nice or be gone. I refuse to provide ammunition to incessantly negative and insulting people, whether parents/family or anyone else. Let's face it, nothing will irritate them more than good stuff - so feed 'em that in abundance and enjoy it! None of what they say or think is a reflection on you. The petty is all on them.

I agree!  I have changed my ways also, especially after doing the inner work, after the rage was gone and having finally found peace with my childhood.



It is a fact that they hate it when we don't react and are happy.

[Pinkos]

@moglow yes I brought up that I was looking for a realtor, which I was doing before I found out they were looking/buying a new house. But I now wonder if he thought I was suddenly looking for a realtor to compete with their news. I brought it up because he raved about their realtor and I was struggling to get good recommendations. And I wondered if their realtor might know someone in my city. He told me he would text me her number and I could ask her myself. He didn't ask me anything about my search! Nothing! 

I feel like it's one of their favorite ways to punish me - give me a blank reaction! I shouldn't have said anything about looking for a realtor. You're right it's best to just say everything is great! Job is great! Life is great! And just leave it at that. Incidentally, that's EXACTLY what they do! I've been feeling lonely /down lately and I probably should avoid talking to them at this time in my life. And him calling me back to back every weekend is probably subconsciously creating guilt within me when I don't answer. *sigh*

(By the way, hope it didn't come off like I was begrudging them a new house or "hating" on them. I know how my mother is and I feel like the timeline bears out my suspicion. I could be wrong of course. I will admit it's hard to be genuinely invested in their lives when they care so little about mine and go out of their way to belittle me. It does make me dislike them and want to be indifferent. I also think @moglow you're suspicion is correct - he seemed too desperate to talk up this decision and didn't want to give me any details.)

[moglow]

@Pinkos I don't know about yours but mine seemed to have a way of honing in whenever I was feeling "less than", whether blue or lonely or sick. It's like she fed off it in some way. I bought my 1st home by myself a few years ao [in my late 50s!] and it's HARD. The whole process was intimidating and just plain exhausting before it was over, but thankfully a good friend is a realtor and her focus was getting me into something I could enjoy and could easily afford. I've lived in this area for over 15 years and mother hasn't once shown any interest in or even seen where I live other than hurricane season and feeding off the "my child lives right on the coast!!" But my new place? Unless one of my brothers told her, not a word has been said - I sure didn't tell her. So no excitement over my home and accomplishment, no interest in seeing it etc. but also no insults veiled or otherwise. Somewhere in there I mailed Christmas cards with new address, still no comment and no question. Really that tells me all I need to know: she's not interested.

My point? Don't feel guilty for not feeding their stuff.

[Pinkos]

Thanks @moglow. You've really made me think. I'm glad I posted. You know I was feeling pretty good thinking I've come a long way in my acceptance journey and healing the pain over their abuse/neglect. These last few years on NC have been hard and also much needed for me. Talking to them again after all these years I thought I was handling it OK.

But reflecting on it more I feel like they are really poisonous and that there's no inoculation against it. I've been really turned off by his saccharine tone the handful of times we've talked since I broke NC. He's very angry with me I think because I won't allow him to control me/bend over backwards to please him. When he's never done a darn thing for me. That's been the issue between us since I was a pre-teen when he used to lash out at me in anger! He's just found a different way to lash out at me now that he has very little access to me. And I don't need to offer myself on a silver platter to take his covert belittling and harassment. Him calling me 3 weekends in a row and badgering me about visiting after I made it clear I'm not interested in doing so feels like intentional provocation. Telling me about all his travels lately when he hasn't been to visit me in years is so obviously meant to wound me. I can't imagine these are all inadvertent.

[moglow]

You know I was feeling pretty good thinking I've come a long way in my acceptance journey and healing the pain over their abuse/neglect. These last few years on NC have been hard and also much needed for me. Talking to them again after all these years I thought I was handling it OK.

But reflecting on it more I feel like they are really poisonous and that there's no inoculation against it. I've been really turned off by his saccharine tone the handful of times we've talked since I broke NC....

I think of it as waves on a waterway - sometimes I roll with them easily, other times not so much. Give me a day/days when I'm not well rested, not feeling well, even a little blue and I know I acceptance doesn't work well for me. It's hiding there somewhere and I can't gain access. So I ride it out.

Plus honestly, the looming holiday season tends to affect many of us, whether the nostalgia of it all, the Norman Rockwell expectations out there, of [with mine] a continued complete lack of interest. Granted, for quite a few years I just went ahead and made my own plans, neither asked nor told her what those were unless she asked specifically. I'm sure she got just as frustrated, asking [last minute!] only to be told I had plans. And ya know what, if she'd tried to plan I'd have shot that down just as quickly. Been there, done that, no desire to bear witness to yet another of her performances. I can spend the holiday home alone, eat and nap and do what I want to do without drama!

[Pinkos]

Time and time again people comment on here that once you've been NC for a while and you feel emotionally fortified you think you can "handle" it better. Which is so true and why I appreciate this forum so much. It really helps pull you out of the deep end. I feel like the reason you're feeling fortified, as many others have opined, is because you've eliminated the emotional drain of dealing with them! You've eliminated the constant distraction and you have some peace.

Once you start up again, they slowly whittle away at that peace.

I'm always feeling blue leading up to the holidays so that's definitely a reason to avoid any contact until the end of the year. I've blocked him for now. Originally my plan was to use text primarily and limit calls to 1-3 times a year. But I think I've been feeling lonely and rationalized away my plan/instincts. I have to be honest with myself and acknowledge my vulnerabilities. I'm not a machine, I'm not impenetrable. I'm human.

I do agree @moglow that they have very good instincts and can sense any vulnerability. They love to get in there and undermine and pour salt over emotional wounds. And I think I have this notion that healing means it's not supposed to impact me. Perhaps it's the perfectionist in me.

[Call Me Cordelia]

H/t to the ever-on-point Leonor:

But wanting to be and feel all "perfectly healed," with a tiara on the top of your head and a sash over your shoulder while smiling at people who are treating you poorly is a trauma-based response. It's born of a desire to be exactly what your parents want you to be, even their emotional punching bag, so that they will love you. It's the response of a lovely, loving little child, who deserves to be showered with affection and safe from harm and worry.

You're obviously not the first to have that mistaken but so-attractive idea. But good on you for seeing it so soon!