Parents sending me gifts

Started by miffyxo, August 04, 2023, 05:11:37 AM

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miffyxo

August 04, 2023, 05:11:37 AM
Hey all

I've been no contact with my suspected NPD parents for 2 months now (blocked on all forms of communication, caused by a big explosive fight triggered by past physical and mental abuse) and it's my birthday tomorrow. I wasn't sure if they would just ignore it or send me a gift, anyway to my surprise today I got a delivery. It had a card, a purse with a picture of dogs on it and a dress.

Half of me thought it's nice they remembered my birthday but it's probably just their way of getting my attention but it's also a bit strange for other reasons. Prior to no contact they refused to congratulate me on my engagement and after weeks of no attempt at discussion about it or emotional support this led to an argument about my wedding dress. A long story but partner assumed even though they were uninterested in our engagement they would help me towards the dress as I was struggling saving for it and they had a lot of money and his parents have put a lot towards the wedding. I then stupidly asked them if they were contributing anything towards the wedding or the dress, mainly out of anger that they'd refused to give me any emotional support, and as I was feeling so low about it I sent off a text asking if they would help me which I think I knew would force an end to our relationship. Basically they called me lots of cruel names like money grabber and asked me why I should have nice things, which ended in a huge argument with me attempting to go into my past abuse and them denying it.

Second it seems strange the purse has dogs on it when my last words from my mother on the phone were that she "hates my scratty dog" (my dog means the whole world to me). The card also had no sentiment to it at all, it also had dogs on it but inside it just said "to... happy birthday... from" no love, no kisses, no acknowledging anything that had happened.

Their last words had also been incredibly cruel and racist about my fiancé who has Chinese heritage, and dismissed anything to do with our wedding including the dress and our small family with our lovely dog. So why send me a blue dress and a purse with dogs on it through the post, is it some dig, attempt to get my attention or are they genuinely thinking of my birthday?

I guess I'm unsure now whether to thank them or open up a line of communication, but I feel so much healthier in my other relationships with people since going no contact and doing therapy that part of me just wants to continue the way I was doing.

Thank you for reading this, and sorry if my reaction to them about the wedding dress makes me sound really bad - I was honestly in an awful frame of mind because I was so upset they offered me not one tiny bit of support in any way about the wedding.

Cat of the Canals

#1
August 04, 2023, 02:00:47 PM
The PDs in my life are big on "sending messages" with gifts, so I doubt it's a coincidence that they sent you a dress and dog-themed items.

I also think the nature of gifts makes it so any message can easily be denied or twisted to suit their purpose. So they send you a dress but not the dress, rubbing it in that they aren't going to help pay for your wedding dress. Meanwhile, if you were to ever bring this up, they'd call you ungrateful for not being happy with what you got.

As for the dog, maybe your mom was thinking, "Oh, I was kind of mean about her dog... here, I'll send a dog purse so she knows I don't hate dogs!" In her mind, it might be akin to apologizing, but not for your sake mind you. Just to make herself feel better. And again, if you were to ever bring up the things she said about your dog, she can say, "But I sent you that purse with dogs on it!"

And even if all of the above is dead wrong, at the very least, I'd say this is another baited hook. My PDmil recently sent me a box set of my own DVDs back that my SIL had borrowed years ago, and she definitely expected a great big Thank You. For returning MY OWN POSSESSION TO ME.  :upsidedown:

When in doubt with PD behavior, ask what they're getting out of it. It always starts and ends there.

miffyxo

#2
August 07, 2023, 09:44:12 AM
Quote from: Cat of the Canals on August 04, 2023, 02:00:47 PMThe PDs in my life are big on "sending messages" with gifts, so I doubt it's a coincidence that they sent you a dress and dog-themed items.

I also think the nature of gifts makes it so any message can easily be denied or twisted to suit their purpose. So they send you a dress but not the dress, rubbing it in that they aren't going to help pay for your wedding dress. Meanwhile, if you were to ever bring this up, they'd call you ungrateful for not being happy with what you got.

As for the dog, maybe your mom was thinking, "Oh, I was kind of mean about her dog... here, I'll send a dog purse so she knows I don't hate dogs!" In her mind, it might be akin to apologizing, but not for your sake mind you. Just to make herself feel better. And again, if you were to ever bring up the things she said about your dog, she can say, "But I sent you that purse with dogs on it!"

And even if all of the above is dead wrong, at the very least, I'd say this is another baited hook. My PDmil recently sent me a box set of my own DVDs back that my SIL had borrowed years ago, and she definitely expected a great big Thank You. For returning MY OWN POSSESSION TO ME.  :upsidedown:

When in doubt with PD behavior, ask what they're getting out of it. It always starts and ends there.

Thank you so much for your reply, this really resonated with me. The being ungrateful thing has come up many times before, I've lost count of the times they've said "but I put a ROOF over your head" - well that is called being a parent and using that as an excuse to mistreat me doesn't go down any more.

Like you say she also loves to use things as excuses, so I can definitely imagine her pretending an action doesn't count just because she did something else after - so she's probably using the dog purse as a tool too.

I'm so used to that kind of unusual behaviour like you say with your PDmil returning the dvds acting like it's a huge act of kindness, any normal act seems to be hugely delayed and for some kind of purpose. Mine usually come with a weird handwritten note inside or once I received a printed photograph with a picture of my OWN dog inside (literally just a normal photograph print). Then when I ignored it my mum kept pressing me over and over again for a thank you and FREAKED out massively when I said I actually thought it was kind of unusual to receive a photo of my own dog

Cat of the Canals

#3
August 07, 2023, 03:12:58 PM
Quote from: miffyxo on August 07, 2023, 09:44:12 AMThen when I ignored it my mum kept pressing me over and over again for a thank you and FREAKED out massively when I said I actually thought it was kind of unusual to receive a photo of my own dog

Mine once sent me a box of stuff around the holidays... or maybe it was my birthday. Anyway, one of the items was an art print. When I spoke to my mother a few days after receiving the box, the first thing she said was, "Well, I'll NEVER send you art again, so you don't have to worry about that!" She didn't give me a chance to thank her for it or say I liked it (and I actually did). But because I didn't call her up immediately after receiving it and gush about it, she took that as disapproval, I guess.  :stars:

My MIL recently told us she'd given her daughter a cookbook as a gift and then said, "But she didn't take it home with her, so I guess she didn't like it!" Isn't the more reasonable explanation that she simply forgot to take it with her?

The irony is that they take everything personally, but we're always "so sensitive."
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