How am I supposed to handle this situation

[RainbowGirl]

My mother was abusive to me when I was younger.  She mellowed somewhat during some years.  Then from approx 2019, she started reverting back to the way she always was. Just angry towards me.

I always helped at home.  I was mindful of my own attitude and tone. I wasn't sarcastic or critical of her.  Yet from time to time she would lash out at me and rage at me. She was mean and no way was her response fitting to what was. There was some anger explosions to me simply because she wasn't happy at one of my brothers and she was redirecting her anger to me. Other times it rages from her were explosions like I was going to the corner cupboard for a pot and she exploded in anger. Another time I wanted a fresh kitchen towel.

She never once apologised to me.  Yet she knew how to speak normally to me when she wanted something from me.

I have siblings living abroad.  They like to send me pictures from time to time and I presume it's to share with my mother or show her at least.

My mother doesn't know how to use a mobile phone or internet or computers and I used to help her.  I used to sit down with her and scroll through my phone with her.

The idea of sitting down with her showing her pictures from now on is stomach churning to me. My mother is someone who tolerates me but deep down hates me.  She doesn't appreciate me. Not only that sitting down with her to show her pictures will only be an opportunity for her to critise whatever she doesn't like.  Not only that, she will then request print outs from me.  To go to a photo shop and print photographs and use my own money to print for her.

While on the other hand she's just as quick just to explode in anger and hate me over nothing and never apologise to me.

My brothers abroad may phone her from time to time and if there is a call, it may be dropped into conversation about pictures/photographs and did she see them.  I don't know.

I'm thinking about showing her one picture from each batch that I get sent.  What do you think? So that it minimises time sitting down with her. And if the brothers do phone home, she is still shown a picture or two.

[Liketheducks]

The only person you can control here....is yourself.   If she is raging at you, I'd politely say that if she continues yelling that you'll be leaving the house.   You're not expected to tolerate such abuse in any other sphere of your life.   This should be no different.

Adult female children always seemed to be tasked with being the glue to hold the family together. And in my experience, it with family dysfunction. Can't tell you the number of times my dysfunctional parents used this indirect communication style to triangulate and manipulate us.   I'm no longer that glue.   If they want to speak with each other or share messages, they do so directly.   If you step back from that position, they either will or won't.   But, you're not responsible for their continued contact. 

I'm sorry you're finding yourself here.   You'll get a lot of support.   Is she healthy?   

[moglow]

RG, I'm being overly simplistic here I know, but you don't have to do anything of the sort. I mean, it's kind of you to try but it's also kind to yourself to remove to a safe distance until you feel better able to cope with her. As Liketheducks mentioned, they can speak with and share pictures directly. Or not. That's not your stuff and you're not responsible for it. Just because it's what you've always done doesn't mean it's yours forever.

[RainbowGirl]

The only person you can control here....is yourself.  If she is raging at you, I'd politely say that if she continues yelling that you'll be leaving the house.  You're not expected to tolerate such abuse in any other sphere of your life.  This should be no different.

Adult female children always seemed to be tasked with being the glue to hold the family together. And in my experience, it with family dysfunction. Can't tell you the number of times my dysfunctional parents used this indirect communication style to triangulate and manipulate us.  I'm no longer that glue.  If they want to speak with each other or share messages, they do so directly.  If you step back from that position, they either will or won't.  But, you're not responsible for their continued contact. 

I'm sorry you're finding yourself here.  You'll get a lot of support.  Is she healthy?   

I'm living in a country with a housing crisis and there's limited housing opportunities. It's actually very dire. 

I am not in a position to leave the house.  I wish I could. But I can't. 

She's ok-ish sometimes but I am unbelievably hurt. She's never once apologised to me but if I was a man or one of her sons, she would be all over me. She would never treat a man the way she has treated me.  I live on edge for her next outburst out of nowhere and it's all crazy.

She's in her early 70s.  I don't think she is healthy. She has neglected high cholestrol for years and there's other stuff coming in now and I thinki maybe dementia might be happening with her. 

She's not very great.  She looked confused or disoritated this morning and it looked like she was doing chores aimlessly this morning and she's utterly obessed and she has nothing else better to do. 

[RainbowGirl]

RG, I'm being overly simplistic here I know, but you don't have to do anything of the sort. I mean, it's kind of you to try but it's also kind to yourself to remove to a safe distance until you feel better able to cope with her. As Liketheducks mentioned, they can speak with and share pictures directly. Or not. That's not your stuff and you're not responsible for it. Just because it's what you've always done doesn't mean it's yours forever.

Well my family abroad has been sending me the pictures because they know she is useless with phones.  I was always happy to share. 
I don't want to share any more because she hates me.  I don't want to sit dowwith her and listen to her because it will only be an opportunity for her to pick out faults. She needs to clean up her act. 

[Fiasco]

Tell your family the photo thing isn't working out and if they want to share photos they can have them printed and mail them. Like everyone always did before smartphones and social media. They're photos, not food and medicine, there's no reason you need to provide them to her.

[moglow]

Your family abroad can also send HER the pictures - they can have them printed off and mailed to her. Done.

IF she apologized at your/anyone's request "to make peace", that fauxpology would simply be a work around and get her way. That's not how it works. An apology, a real apology, is a recognition of harm done, remorse for having caused said harm and real concerted efforts to change behavior going forward. It's not a gloss over it and "well I apologized like you asked, now you want MORE?" Sometimes we have to accept we're not going to get that sincere much-needed apology, and find our way forward without it. I know I had to - mine has not and will most likely never admit any wrongdoing or harm she's caused.

Can you work towards getting out of that dark atmosphere, moving out entirely? Housing crisis there may be, but there may be opportunities and possibilities you've not seen yet. What about roommates, renting a room, providing some type of inhome care for room and board? Yes it may mean relocating and that can be scary, but if you're miserable and getting nowhere maybe a move is a necessary evil.

What do you think?

[Liketheducks]

Even if you have to stay in the same home, you don't have to accept abusive behavior from her.   "I'm going to leave the room until you're able to collect yourself".   "I'm not going to allow you to speak to me in that way", etc.   I would definitely let the siblings handle their own communication.   She could learn how to use a smart phone.   You aren't obligated to facilitate that for her.