Thank you - one of my biggest concerns turned out ok

[Sidney37]

Hi everyone.  I've been here for years. I'm here today to say thank you!  I've had a big success and one of my biggest NC fears didn't happen. I worried for years that my oldest (who honestly has some fleas from being around my PDm) would turn 18, head to college and run right back to my PDm and enD (who might be PD himself) because my oldest was the grandparents' golden child.

Well the time came for my oldest to head off for freshman year.  The school happens to be hours and hours from home but one hour from extended family who my parents visit once a year.  It took about 1 week after move in for PDm to start messaging my college freshman wanting to visit.  Acting as if they were visiting family and wanted to stop by, but based on messages and the trip that was taken, it was a trip just to see college freshman.  She hasn't spoken to my child in 4 years.  No contact at all. That's a lifetime for a teenager. And no one in my immediate family communicated to anyone in the family where college freshman was going to school.  PDm didn't even ask.  She just made it apparent that she knew and she was coming to visit.  College freshman found this creepy and stalker like. Yep... because it is. 

Well all of the advice I got here helped us navigate the situation.  It helped me to make 4 years of good decisions when it comes to communicating this NC with my kids!  Thank you!  College freshman responded that they aren't interested in a relationship or visit until PDm and enD work things out with me.  They had a fit, lashed out that they have tried and it's all my fault.  Then they started sending me messages demanding that I fix things.  They were desperate to get to golden child.

So no visit from pd grandparents.  College freshman sees that they are stalkerish.  College freshman was not impressed that they take no responsibility and blamed me entirely.  College freshman is learning to set and keep boundaries.  Success!  Thanks to everyone here.  Sometimes our biggest fears don't come true!

[Poison Ivy]

Thank you for sharing this, Sidney. I'm sorry that pd grandparents are engaging in stalkerish behavior, but I'm glad that you and your child have been handling the situation well.

[Leonor]

Hi Sidney,

That's great!

If I may, I would encourage college student (or any one else for that matter) to respond to grandparents with "I'm busy." I'm busy. I'm busy. Busy busy!

It's not fair to your college student to fight your battles for you or to place conditions on the behaviors of the older adults in the family. That puts her in the middle: as grandparents pressure her to get to you, she's defending you to your parents.

That's not a healthy dynamic.

[moglow]

Honestly I think that's just plain rude of them! She's JUST moved, starting college and trying to settle in. Anyone with common sense would see, now is not the time for extra confusion like that. But no. Good on her for laying it down and letting them know it's not an option. I do agree with @Leonor, she shouldn't be put in the middle that way. If she wants a relationship with them, that's between them - it shouldn't be conditional for anyone.

[Big Bear]

She hasn't spoken to my child in 4 years.  No contact at all.  She just made it apparent that she knew and she was coming to visit.  College freshman found this creepy and stalker like. Yep... because it is. 

It helped me to make 4 years of good decisions when it comes to communicating this NC with my kids! 

College freshman is learning to set and keep boundaries.  Success! 

Wow, what a story!  The expectation that they were entitled to a visit with someone they haven't spoken to in four years sounds misguided and disordered!  Four years is a long time.  Maybe they could start with a simple phone call to ask how things are going?  Something small and less intrusive would be more appropriate.

I've often been confused by relatives who never even bother to make an occasional phone call, but then all of sudden expect to have an in-person visit with me or my family.  Seriously?  If they really cared about us, then they could ask how we're doing once in a while.

Good job Sidney37!  It sounds like your healthy boundaries and healthy parenting have reaped a small yet encouraging reward.

Big Bear

[Fiasco]