He is moving out tomorrow

Beachstone · November 20, 2023, 06:44:32 PM

Less than a month ago I thought we were in a good place. He said he we were in a good place and working well as a team. Everything was coming together after a couple of tough years financially and with deaths in my family. Things were looking good.

But it is like a switch flipped one night over 3 weeks ago, and he had a rage then the silent treatment. Usually I would warm up to him again when his mood passed after a few times. But this time I couldn't. I was hurting, I was angry, I was scared. I felt burnt out from all the times before, and just couldn't move past it.

I stayed out of his way hoping he would eventually realise how his behaviour was hurting me. And say sorry.

He got angrier and started neglecting our son too. He didn't hide his anger from our son. So our son got scared and wanted us to stay with my mother the last 2 nights. So we did as I was scared too. Mistakenly I told my spouse we were scared.

I returned home this morning and he told me is moving out tomorrow. He wants no contact with me and my son. I know he means it as I can hear him now talking to I think one of his sisters on the phone telling them what he is doing.

He told me he is leaving because he doesn't want to hurt us anymore. Also because he is a shell of who he was and can't do the things he wants to do because of us.

I asked if he will be ok and he said "none of your business".

Deep down I know this is for the best, but it hurts so much. He is a good man and I love him. We don't have a lot of friends or family and he was my best friend too. BPD sucks. He is not diagnosed and I wish I could raise it with him to get more help. He is medicated for anxiety and sees a psychologist once a month. So he feels he is doing everything . I've tried so so hard to be there for him over the last 11 years. I know there was nothing I could do to fix him, but to be discarded so much really hurts. Just as much as the abuse hurt.

My psychologist appointment is in 2 days time so I have to hang on until then. I'll be fine and this might be for the best. But it hurts all the same.

Ironically my only other family support, my mum, is moving 12 hours away on the weekend. I'm going to be very alone.

Beachstone · November 20, 2023, 11:02:44 PM

For context he is uBPD SO.

I found post-it notes on his desk which says he doesn't love me anymore and that I'm cruel and manipulative but it is well hidden.

notrightinthehead · November 21, 2023, 01:55:08 AM

I am sorry! Feeling rejected, abandoned and alone is not nice. It's good that you have some support from the therapist. Is there a 12 step program, like CoDA, or some other self help group that you could attend? You can start building a social network, whether he leaves or decides to stay. Throw your energy into building a circle of support around you. Go out and re-discover your interests, what gives you joy, what makes you feel good.

Lookin 2 B Free · November 22, 2023, 12:58:19 AM

I'm glad you reached out to us, Beachstone. This is a hard time of year to feel alone and rejected with holidays coming up.

His behavior sounds very familiar from experiences with my BPD/NPD ex. Things look hopeful for a time and then the splitting happens and now he realizes I'm the worst of the worst. You get accused of doing the very thing they've been doing, in other words, they start projecting.

In my case it was a revolving door. "It's over forever - I never want to see you again in my life." Then copious apologies because he now sees how wrong he was and it had nothing to do with me. Back to "I'm done! You're the worst" I, too, saw the good in him, and still do. But finally I had no hope of anything better in the future and I ended it.

You have your son who trusts you enough to tell you when he feels unsafe and wants to leave. That's good. My kids are grown now. The love and care and protection I gave to them made a big difference in their lives. Knocking myself out for years to help my ex didn't end up making a drop of difference. I'm convinced now that nothing I ever could have done would have made a dent. It's a sad truth that took me years to finally accept.

sad_dog_mommy · November 22, 2023, 08:08:22 PM

Lookin 2 B Free,

I found that all the negative things my exBPDbf said about me (or my family & friends) were either his twisted insecurities or projected jealousy. He had to think and say mean things to me to make HIMSELF feel better. I think narcissists are deeply insecure people.

I bet you are you are not even close to being cruel or manipulative! Just try and "remember the source" and not let it get under your skin. Be kind to yourself as you navigate the time before he moves out. Can you plan an outing for you and your son on the day of the move? I hope you are able to have a financial plan settled before he leaves.

The good news is you can thrive after a breakup with someone who has a personality disorder! As you recover you replay all the BS in your head but you see it from a clearer perspective! And your new found knowledge will help you see red flags very early on!

Beachstone · November 25, 2023, 03:46:08 AM

Thank you all again for your supportive and wise words.
He came for a visit yesterday afternoon to see his son (it was our sons birthday). I'm glad he stopped ignoring our son, that was breaking my heart.

As he was leaving, he said he wanted to come back. I was very noncommittal and said that I was processing everything. I regret that I was not firmer but he was dominating the conversation with how much he does for us and how he is the real victim in this situation.

After he left, my son told me that his Dad was going to ask me if he could come back and to please say yes. I feel like I'm being manipulated through my son.

The conversation ended with him leaving in a sulk. I had my mum staying so was able to talk it through with her and felt shaky but definite about ending the relationship. But I woke up feeling a bit rubbish.

I ended up writing out the times I felt abused that I could remember. I know there were many many more incidences, but I just wrote out the main ones. I wrote 7 pages! I gave a copy to my mum to keep for safekeeping.
Tonight I'm grieving the relationship.
One question I have is...I thought he was a good person who occasionally flips out. But as I read more about BPD, is it possible he hasn't been genuine with me? We have been together 11 years.

escapingman · November 25, 2023, 05:15:44 AM

This is text book behaviour, he get you in to a lose lose situation. He either gets back in the relationship and can continue abusing you, or he get to play the victim. My uNPDxw did this and still does, she tells the kids that we are going to get back together one day and put all blame on me for the collapse of the family. Stay strong, buckle up, you are in for a ride. But you got this, you already won by knowing it is abuse, well done and good luck.

Beachstone · November 25, 2023, 05:33:35 AM

Quote from: escapingman on November 25, 2023, 05:15:44 AMThis is text book behaviour, he get you in to a lose lose situation. He either gets back in the relationship and can continue abusing you, or he get to play the victim. My uNPDxw did this and still does, she tells the kids that we are going to get back together one day and put all blame on me for the collapse of the family. Stay strong, buckle up, you are in for a ride. But you got this, you already won by knowing it is abuse, well done and good luck.

Thank you and I'm so sorry to hear that you have experienced a similar situation with the kids involved.
I feel better for hearing this is textbook behaviour, thank you. Having "the fog lifted" is an intense experience, and my SO can sense what is happening I think, and is intensifying his behaviour. Sometimes I struggle to accept that I have allowed this abuse to continue for so long, but it helps to realise that I've been normalising terrible behaviour, and it will take time perhaps to shift old thinking.

Boat Babe · November 27, 2023, 06:01:25 PM

Your quote "..I thought he was a good person who occasionally flips out. " Hot news, someone can be a genuinely good person some of the time but if it's not enough and you are unhappy that is a totally legit reason for ending the relationship. I left my first husband who was definitely not disordered or abusive and was/is a decent human being. I was unhappy and thats a good enough reason. Throw a personality disorder into the mix and then you really have got a good reason to go, even if at times he is truly good. It needs to be more than occasionally! Stay strong.

Beachstone · November 28, 2023, 01:28:34 AM

Quote from: Boat Babe on November 27, 2023, 06:01:25 PMYour quote "..I thought he was a good person who occasionally flips out. " Hot news, someone can be a genuinely good person some of the time but if it's not enough and you are unhappy that is a totally legit reason for ending the relationship. I left my first husband who was definitely not disordered or abusive and was/is a decent human being. I was unhappy and thats a good enough reason. Throw a personality disorder into the mix and then you really have got a good reason to go, even if at times he is truly good. It needs to be more than occasionally! Stay strong.

Thank you Boat Babe, I needed to hear this too. I'm currently reading the Verbally Abusive Relationship, and beginning to realise how low my self-esteem is and just how much rubbish I was putting up with. And that yes, being unhappy is enough of a reason, I don't need to justify it any more than that.

moglow · November 28, 2023, 12:10:41 PM

QuoteOne question I have is...I thought he was a good person who occasionally flips out. But as I read more about BPD, is it possible he hasn't been genuine with me? We have been together 11 years.

Black and white, either or, all or nothing thinking are hallmarks of BPD, so it serves us to look for the gray areas more. I believe everyone is a mix of good and bad, that no one is all one or the other. He may well have been as genuine as he knows how to be and doing his best - is that enough for you? Him now coming to realize he may have BPD is all well and good, but is he going to do anything about it? If he's just going to roll over with "well I have BPD so this is who I am ..." and promises of doing better, statistically, the odds aren't great.

It IS possible to make great changes but it's going to take a lot of work on his part. I'm not talking about you enabling and pandering to him so he'll feel better, but him stopping and thinking things all the way through without explosions and screaming. HE has to do it, you can't do it for him or continue to pretzel yourself trying to keep the peace. And no, you don't have to live there in it while he does what he needs to do. Sometimes we really do reach a saturation point and that may well be where you are. Seven pages of instances? It might help you to read back over that when you feel you're being [or are accused of being] too harsh.