Passing of narcissistic mother

[Uncertain Grief]

So, first time poster, here.  I'm looking for others who have gone through what I am currently going through.  My mother passed away last Friday (Oct. 13th).  She had been battling stage four ovarian cancer and had been hospitalized for what I believe was a chemo related secondary illness, and she died unexpectedly.  I spent 30 minutes with her before visiting hours ended and left with the assumption that I would see her the next day.  Our last goodbye was no different than any others of late where I gave her a quick hug and said "love you" as a dutiful daughter should.  Our "love you"s have never been heartfelt by any means, but the words were always spoken.  I loved her because she was my mother, but not because she showed me unconditional love or was nurturing in any way.  Her husband (my step father), however loved her with all his heart, and I truly believe she loved him.  My family and my sister's family are closer to him than his son and his son't family.  My children have always had him in their lives, and now my grandchildren have him in their lives.  He is a good man, and we could always count on him if we needed him. 

I feel an overwhelming sense of guilt that my mother's last memory of family was her interaction with me and not her husband who loved her dearly.  He left her hospital room so that my daughter and son in law and then me and my husband could visit with her (by this time she had been moved to the critical care unit and could only have two visitors at a time and visiting hours ended at 6:30).  My step father was not in the room with her when visiting hours ended, so he would not be allowed back in her room until 9:00 pm.  We all decided to go eat somewhere to help him kill time and eat something other than hospital food.  We had just been seated in the restaurant when the hospital called to say she was not doing well.  By the time we got back, she had passed away - a mere 30 minutes after I left her.

My sister and I never had a close emotional bond with her as we did with our grandparents.  We have always felt emotionally guarded against her.  Any attempts she made later in her life to give "genuine" affection towards us felt uncomfortable.  Perhaps she genuinely felt love towards us after we became adults and we were no longer a burden to her, but not feeling wanted and loved as children made it difficult to open ourselves up to her as adults.  I could write for hours, but .......

In her last five years or so, I know she wanted to spend more time with me, but I put her off most of the time.  She often made snippy comments about the fact that I never came to visit her.  I knew that going to see her meant that I would have to listen to and be shown all of the things she had done with her house or projects she had completed.  Time spend was rarely quality time together; it was more an opportunity for her to be the center of attention.  She often seemed to want some sort of validation from me, but I rarely gave it.  I didn't understand the need to brag or to have anyone recognize my accomplishments because I never felt comfortable in the limelight.  I don't take compliments well, and she very much needed them for validation.  Perhaps I subconsciously withheld any semblance of stroking her ego as a way of getting back at her for her making me feel like a burden as a child.

Now, three days after her passing, my grief is something that I can't explain or understand.  I don't know this feeling.  I feel guilty for being her last family connection when it should have been with her husband who had a heartfelt love for her.  I feel guilty for not giving her more of my time after she was diagnosed with terminal cancer because I figured she had quality time with her husband.  She seemed to be in denial about her life expectancy, and I just went along with it.  I thought there would be more time.  But, now she is gone.  I knew I would have unresolved feelings and would mourn the relationship I thought we should have had even though that relationship could never be.  I wake up in the morning sick to my stomach - like someone has punched me in the gut.  I have to be there for my step father to help him through this, and I mourn his loss more than my own.  I feel conflicted in my mourning due to the guilt I feel - mainly because I don't know what I feel or how I am supposed to feel.  I am aimlessly wondering in a fog that feels like it will never lift.

I need reassurance that it's OK to be conflicted in my grief from others who understand what I am feeling and going through.  I feel like me feet are stuck in concrete, and I cant move.  No direction at all ............

[Poison Ivy]

I think that feeling conflicted in grief is entirely normal (though that doesn't make it easier to endure). You are a very compassionate person; that is why you are having strong, sometimes confusing, feelings at this very sad point in your life.

[moglow]

It's okay to feel whatever you feel, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise! There's not a "supposed to" when you're grieving, whether that's the physical loss now that she's passed or the loss of the mother you always wanted and never really had. Sounds like you had a challenging if not full on complicated relationship with your mother - you don't have to box that all up neatly for others, much less when you're struggling with it on your own. I suspect you've spent enough time feeling somehow "less than," it's time for that to take a back seat.

Just take each moment as it comes. There's no set in stone rules or timeline. People grieve differently and work through it at their own pace. I don't doubt you'll run the gamut of emotions and back again, and new stuff may pop up here and there. 

I know this all may sound like a bunch of platitudes, please know it's not that at all. Be gentle and kind with yourself, just as you want for your dear stepfather.

We're here with you.

[sunshine702]

You had no idea she would pass suddenly so the perfect goodbyes with the correct people in the correct order and the perfect meal breaks is completely unrealistic. Life is very messy and not at all movie like timing and staging. 

Those back of mind thoughts.  I get it -  we all have them.  Could have should have would have.  You did what you did and that is both ok and enough.

Ok life is for living now.  I focus on the relationships that ARE good.  Step father.  And sidestep those that are toxic -sister and her unending need for Narc validation.  Where you are there to observe HER and not for you.

These will be WAVES of emotions crashing over you and numb surreal moments. This is normal.  Be kind. 

[moglow]

These will be WAVES of emotions crashing over you and numb surreal moments. This is normal.  Be kind. 

THIS!

[Uncertain Grief]

Honestly, just being able to type the words in my post was cathartic.  Reading other people's posts and your responses to my post has certainly made me realize that I am not alone.  I also have my sister - luckily my mother didn't pit us against each other.  We felt equally unwanted by her - or at the very least, like we were more of a hindrance in her life as children.

She has been gone five days now, and I still wake up with a sick feeling in my stomach.  I seem to be OK when I go over to my mom and step dad's house to help him get his life organized (she was what I would call an organized hoarder).  My sister and brother-in-law and I have thrown out so many expired foods and baking staples.  We now have to go through all of her many sets of dishes and small appliances and decorations.  So many things that should have already been donated to charity or thrown away.  My mom also controlled all of their finances, and he has no idea how to even log on to the computer to look at their banking info or anything else.  He has no idea what bills they have and when they are due.  Luckily, she did write down passwords to the websites she went to, so I was able to verify that she had already paid a couple of now past due bills.  She must have paid them while she was in the hospital last week.

My sister will leave on Friday to go back to her home in North Carolina.  I know my step father will be lost again, and I also dread her leaving.  Just having her close by this week has brought me so much comfort.  I know the grief and all of these other feelings I am fighting with will ease in time.  I just hate feeling crippled by them. 

Thank you all for listening and the wonderful words of encouragement.  I feel very fortunate to have found this forum.

[Liketheducks]

I'm sorry for your loss...and sorry that it is further complicated by the difficulties having a narcissistic mother creates.   In my experience, losing loved ones or processing a trauma....it takes as long as it takes.   But, it does get better over time.  You will feel better.   Treat yourself with kindness and compassion.   

Have you heard of the grief box analogy?  The analogy suggests grief is like a box with a ball in it and a pain button on one side. In the early stages, the ball is very big. You cannot move the box without it frequently hitting the pain button.   As time goes on, that ball gets smaller and smaller....but will still occasionally hit that pain button.   

[Uncertain Grief]

Liketheducks,I had not heard of the grief box, so I took a moment to familiarize myself with the concept.  It makes perfect sense, and perfectly explains how grief diminishes over time.  I've grieved before - breakups, loss of father, loss of grandparents who were my WHOLE world, etc. but the grief I am feeling from the loss of my mother is just different, and I hate that I can't even explain it.  Probably because I don't understand it myself.  I try to think back on the relationship with her and remember any time at all that I felt close to her, but I can't think of a single time that I felt that way.  I don't understand why I feel loss/grief for someone who rarely brought any joy to my life.  I think it is just the fact that I know I'll never see or speak to her again.  But, I know from my own past experiences and the grief box analogy that the sadness, pain and loss that I feel now will diminish over time.  I just don't understand why it's even there to begin with.

I can relate to the jealousy thing.  And I, like you, cannot understand a parent who is jealous of their child.  My mother was just like yours.  My sister and I both excelled in school - she has a Phd and I have an MBA, and our mom always dismissed our accomplishments.  I recently took a new job with a company that is pretty selective in their hiring process.  Her response was "I wish I could have done that ....  well, actually, I could have, but I just hate working for corporate america ......".  And that was the extent of her congratulations.  If I bought a 1 ft. tree, she would go buy the same tree, but it would be 2 ft tall instead.  She always had to "one-up" us, and I have no idea why.  I can't imagine doing that to my kids.  And just like your mom, my mom always had a story or situation to "top" mine.  I've read enough about narcissism to know that their experiences are almost greater/more important than yours.  You can never have your own experience without them having to share it or have it taken away completely because they replace it with their own.  I know these things are part of their disorder, and I always accepted my mother for who she was. I just kept her at a distance emotionally because I never trusted her to be genuine.

Each day, I just need to use her as an example of who I don't want to be and make sure that I don't ever make my children feel insignificant the way she made us feel.  I could never change who she was or how she acted, and I won't ever forget.  BUT, I can make sure that any potential cycle is broken by celebrating each of my adult children for who they are as individuals and letting them know how much they are loved - and that I love them unconditionally.  I think this may be a form of therapy for me to overcome whatever this shitty grief/guilt/sadness it is that I'm feeling right now.  I just want to move on and concentrate on those people who bring happiness and joy into my life.  I am very blessed to have many people who do just that, and I can't let the loss of my mother take away from all of the happiness I do have.  One day at a time ........

[Leonor]

It's because she's your mom.

As an adult, you can look back, and pick over, and consider and analyze, and diagnose. You are able to think about it, and ask intelligent questions, and research, and come to conclusions and decisions.

You can do all those things. But that's all in your head. It's not your heart. It's not your soul.

Your heart is emotion. It's feeling. It's love. And you love your mom.

All that stuff about one-upsmanship and control and coldness, that's about thinking. That's thinking about her. It's not feeling. It's not about you and your feelings, how you feel about your mom. Your heart is love, and your love for your mom.

It's not about your soul, that was born of hers, that hold all the experience and memories, all the way back to when you were a little baby delighting in her presence and aching in her absence.

Now your head will jump in here: yeah but she did this and said that and then that other thing. So I don't really love her, the way I love my grandparents or the way my kids love me blah blah blah.

If that were true, you wouldn't feel the grief. So you're not making sense of anything: all that thinking is a judgement. You think you're judging your mom for being a lousy person, but really you're judging yourself for feeling grief - for feeling the loss of someone you love.

And the more you think, and rationalize, and argue with yourself, and beat yourself up, the more you're just punishing that little girl who adores her mommy.

In a way, your mind is brilliant. Because how can you possibly survive the pain of a broken heart, that will never ever see her again, that will never hear her voice or touch her hem again? So let's squish all that pain back down and stomp on it with judgements and talk over it with rationalizations and ignore it with diagnoses. Your brain is terrified. Your brain is trying to protect your heart, that little girl, from feeling the pain of the loss of her mommy.

Why do you love her? It's not a why question. Why do your children love you? Is it your charming personality? Your quirky sense of humor? Do they love you for just being you? If you were cranky or cold or mean, would they stop loving you? No. They were born loving you, delighting in your presence and aching in your absence. Because you're their mom. It's not up to us to "earn" our children's love. We may feel compelled to be worthy of it, but it's not ours to get ... or lose.

It's ok to sit in the pain. So many traditions and religions all over the world create spaces to sit in grief. It creates a physical place where you can't escape into busy or thinking or arrangements. It's not an academic conference where everyone can compare notes on which diagnosis is most accurate. It's a quiet place, a prayerful place, where people can just allow all the feelings to rise up and be with them for a while.

You've been avoiding this, the feeling work, and that's okay. It's overwhelming and seems just impossible to wade into, let alone dive into. It would be so much easier if you could decide to stop all this feeling stuff.

But it's not working. The grief is pressing up against your mind. The love is surging in your heart. It hurts. It hurts so much. It's okay for it to hurt this much. You're okay for hurting this much.

She was your mommy, and now she's gone. And it hurts.

We're here with you.

 

[Uncertain Grief]

Leonor, that all makes very good sense.  I had not thought about it in terms of a simple parent-child dynamic.  I have always over-analyzed things.  That's just how I am wired.  I know that there are some things that just can't be explained, and I understand now, that whatever feelings I am dealing with fall into that category.  They are valid because they are MY feelings, and I will just allow myself to be sad to have lost my mother.  Thanks for your wise words of support!

[Outsiderchild]

Maybe the grief is complicated and erratic because you are grieving more than one thing at a time.  The grief of losing a parent (that anyone experiences), the adjustment to becoming an orphan (even as an adult), and the pain of realizing that the hope of your parent ever, ever becoming what you deserved them to be is out of reach forever (that special, final gift of pain from a PD parent.)

Be kind and generous to yourself.   So many things to feel and process all while still living your daily life.  Maybe just being present with the pain and trying to identify what particular loss you are dealing with at any given moment might be helpful.

[Leonor]

"I feel an overwhelming sense of guilt that my mother's last memory of family was her interaction with me and not her husband who loved her dearly."

... Is there a way to reframe this moment in a spirit of gratitude, rather than guilt?

Guilt sounds like: I'm not worthy, I didn't love her enough, it shouldn't have been me, I should have privileged the man in her life, I always avoided her, I didn't feel close enough to her for such a major moment, it should have been deeper, I should have made it something more connected, I failed ...

Gratitude sounds like: she was who she was, and she was capable of what she was capable of, and I had and still have a lot of feelings around that. But she was the first person with me when I was born and I was the last person with her when she passed, and somehow that's where the grief and the healing are. Maybe it doesn't have to be suddenly deep and connected and spiritual and enlightening, and maybe I don't have to sacrifice my own worth and importance as her daughter, and I can be grateful for what I can learn and heal in this, even if I'm not sure exactly what that is just yet.

[Boat Babe]

Just reading everyone's excellent contributions and I just want to add that you may also find yourself grieving the loss of hope; hope that your mother would finally understand her behaviour and make amends. I think so many of us harbour this totally understandable hope that the PD parent becomes whole and healthy and gives us what we needed as children and also want as adults. It took me so long to accept that this is who my mother is and that she will not change. Hopefully when she goes I won't have to grieve that hope as it has already been let go. Much love to you.

[Solong]

Uncertain Grief,

I experienced this with my mom and I understand. Here is how I have come to be at peace with my conflicted grief:

-My mom has been gone 2.5 years at this point. Her slow passing was so disappointing. No words of affirmation, goodbyes, deathbed I'm sorrys...I just showed up dutifully close to every day for her last 6 months of life which she was on in-home hospice. I felt sad after and carried on with the funeral/memorial and focusing on supporting my Dad's grief mainly.

I understand your complex mix of feelings about it. I feel sad about a lot of things to varying degrees- the loss of what never was, how she died and how disappointing the lack of connection was as she was dying, and how I now feel more at peace without her. All things exist at once and I process my conflicting feeling/thoughts each in their own time and usually one at a time, because otherwise I am overhelmed. Right now, I am at peace with her absence in my life because I no longer have to miss someone who is here.