Post from FB

[DCF1952]

I saw this posted on social media today. I'm so sad... at my self. I saw all these things and committed to forever, anyway. And then added kids and there's absolutely no way out of that. 


Don't commit long term to someone until you've seen them stuck in traffic. Until you've witnessed them dealing with slow internet connection, building an IKEA furniture set, or disappointed from their favorite team's loss, Don't marry until you've seen them completely drunk, waiting for food in a restaurant for entirely too long, or watched them search for their phone or car keys in a panic. Before you say yes to forever, see them angry. See them sick, scared, and focused. Notice when and what they want, when they lose, their patience is tested, and when they are stressed. You can't really change someone, but you can reveal them.
Sometimes people didn't actually change later down the line. Perhaps you just never really knew who they truly were. &

[moglow]

There's a lot of wisdom in that, reminding us to pay attention to the life's mundane inconveniences and how we [and others] respond to them. Last summer one of my nieces pointed out that I almost invariably see the bright side, don't buy into drama when things go sideways. I told her, I spent my life doing just that and was miserable doing it. I had to learn and work through "will this matter an hour, a day, a week from now?" to get myself back on track. Unfortunately some people can't do that on any level - and now I avoid them like the plague and if I cant I severely limit my exposure.

Are you sure there's absolutely no way out? Can you create escapes for yourself and build on that courage for yourself? No it won't happen overnight, but small victories for yourself and continuing to push through are really huge things.

[Beachstone]

I am so glad you shared this. Thank you!
Like you, I also observed terrible behaviour and yet still had kids and engaged in a committed relationship.
While I'm sitting with heavy regret right now for making these choices, I'm learning to forgive myself. Because back then I was in the fog. I thought I could make it better and smooth the bumpy road for him.
Of course, now I understand the warning signs, thanks so much to this site.

[Poison Ivy]

I was young and dumb when I got married, but I don't regret getting married because if I hadn't, I wouldn't have had my children. The best people in my life came from a relationship with not the best person. True for many of us here, I'm sure.

[losingmyself]

True, P.I.
I also wish I had shared these behaviors from my xh with someone before committing

[IsleOfSong]

That's great advice. I like the phrase that Dr. Les Carter uses: "Crisis reveals character." Unfortunately, I didn't hear it until 20+ years into my marriage...

[DCF1952]

Thank you all for your helpful comments. I think what this post leaves out is the added bonus that these things are ALWAYS my fault. If we sit in traffic, it's because we left the house at the wrong time (and yes that's my fault) if they can't find keys or phone it's because I moved them, if the internet is slow, he'll come up with something.

[Pepin]

I was with DH for a good number of years before getting married.  I really didn't see any red flags...just very tiny ones that were discussed and corrected through accountability.  Believe me, I have replayed stuff over and over looking for clues...and I couldn't have seen coming what was in store for me: his mother.  Certain life changing events really caused CN MIL's mask to slip -- that affected DH greatly: moving closer to CN MIL (enmeshment reignited), our children growing and exerting independence after they were no longer babies (enmeshment flame lit), and FIl dying (full blown enmeshment/weaponized incompetence).  By then, the enmeshment was out of control and DH couldn't see what was happening.  Cue, Pepin gets thrown under the bus so DH can cope.  I couldn't have seen any of this.  CN MIL was generally on her very best behavior before DH and I married.  Had I known this would have happened, I would have done a U turn and gotten away.  The only good that came out of this is my children.  *sigh*     

[Cascade]

I think some people could pass that test for a long time,but then after marriage let their guard down. Not that it isn't still good advice. The man I ended up with is quite different than the man I dated.