Will this backfire?

[DCF1952]

We have never combined our finances... split everything 50/50 until very recently. Now he makes 6 figures and I make about 25% of that because I work part time in order to take care of our children with special needs. I don't benefit from his salary and I'm racking up credit card debt. He just received a raise and 5 figure bonus. He sent me a spreadsheet with how he has decided the bonus will be spent. He is "giving" me $1,0000. I need the money. If I accept it, he will have leverage over me and want endless praise. If I refuse, it'll be an argument (because any disagreement has to end that way.) thoughts?

[Poison Ivy]

Are you married? And regardless of that, is he (your partner) contributing enough money for the children? I'm not going to give legal advice, but I will say you might want to consult a lawyer about the financial issues in your relationship and regarding your children.

[DCF1952]

Are you married? And regardless of that, is he (your partner) contributing enough money for the children? I'm not going to give legal advice, but I will say you might want to consult a lawyer about the financial issues in your relationship and regarding your children.

Yes we are married. Figuring out whether he is making a fair contribution to the children is complicated because they are in a lot of expensive therapy. He pays about 2/3 of that.

[square]

You can't convince a PD of anything they don't want to be convinced of.

And it gives our own reality quite a spin.

But the key is, you don't have to take their "rules" seriously. Easier said than done, of course, but any improvement you can make to deciding to maintain your own point of view will help.

So.

You are NOT PAID to do this childcare FOR HIM (since he is 50% responsible fot it).

You have taken a salary and career hit. The current financial setup is grossly unfair.

This little $1000 crumb? You can take itand feel not the least bit bad about it.

Nope, you do NOT need to accept the strings he would like to tie to it. In fact, every time it comes up you can remind him of how much he owes you and that it's laughable that he would think this drop in the bucket would require your appreciation, when in fact it's him who owes you that appreciation and a whole lot more besides.

Oh, I know he will not be convinced. Fine. But you don't have to be convinced of his warped ideas.

Taking the money doesn't have to backfire on you.

It could backfire on him.

It could even remind you that you would be financially better off divorcing him and just splitting child support.

[Call Me Cordelia]

 

I was so aghast at this post and I couldn't come up with how to say it, but Square did. You are racking up debt while your husband is rolling in it? That's unconscionable.

[DCF1952]

You can't convince a PD of anything they don't want to be convinced of.

And it gives our own reality quite a spin.

But the key is, you don't have to take their "rules" seriously. Easier said than done, of course, but any improvement you can make to deciding to maintain your own point of view will help.

So.

You are NOT PAID to do this childcare FOR HIM (since he is 50% responsible fot it).

You have taken a salary and career hit. The current financial setup is grossly unfair.

This little $1000 crumb? You can take itand feel not the least bit bad about it.

Nope, you do NOT need to accept the strings he would like to tie to it. In fact, every time it comes up you can remind him of how much he owes you and that it's laughable that he would think this drop in the bucket would require your appreciation, when in fact it's him who owes you that appreciation and a whole lot more besides.

Oh, I know he will not be convinced. Fine. But you don't have to be convinced of his warped ideas.

Taking the money doesn't have to backfire on you.

It could backfire on him.

It could even remind you that you would be financially better off divorcing him and just splitting child support.

Thank you so much for this. i needed this. You are absolutely correct. I did give up my career. I am a professional with an advanced degree (and massive student debt; he has no student debt) and had a long term position, I was in line for a promotion. I could be making 6 figures right now, with retirement contributions, paying into social security. But this is what our children need. Now, I am working parttime, with an hourly position with no benefits, no PTO, no paid holidays. Nothing.

[DCF1952]

I was so aghast at this post and I couldn't come up with how to say it, but Square did. You are racking up debt while your husband is rolling in it? That's unconscionable.

Thank you so much for this. When we briefly spoke about it (I didn't bring it up), of course, he became the victim, saying that money doesn't go as far as it should, etc etc etc, that he's doing his best (I never ever said he wasn't doing his best) He makes about $100,000 more than I do. I might break 40k this year busting my butt, but I HAVE to work this way in order to be available for my chidlren's needs. With my work history and education, had I stayed in my previous job, I would probably have a comparable income.

[Call Me Cordelia]

My DH and I have the philosophy that work is for the family. We are a team and all support each other. For us that is a very traditional setup of he's the only one with a paying job, but I manage the home and am able to make those dollars stretch in a way that wouldn't be possible if I were to also be managing a career. Should we ever divorce, the court and every lawyer would recognize my very real economic contributions to the family.

It may be a valuable exercise, just for yourself, to write down what you do in fact contribute over the course of a week, large and small. I did this for myself at one time, partly because my family and in-laws majorly belittled me for being a SAHM. And we needed to buy life insurance on me, so what would it cost my DH if I died, apart from funeral expenses? You have your part time income, that's easily quantifiable. But do you usually prepare meals? Do the shopping? Do you hire cleaning help? Do you do PT or OT exercises at home with your kids? Provide transportation for kids while DH is at work? What would it cost your DH to outsource all of that? To replace you? You're probably far more valuable than you realize. Believe that.