Setting new boundaries, and, surprise!, she doesn't like it

[TimetoHeal]

I wrote about how my mother is finally in assisted living as of a couple of weeks ago.  I was having to do a lot for her, such as helping with the move, taking her back and forth to her house to get more odds and ends, taking her to the doctor for a follow up appointment after her hospitalization, bringing her a shower curtain, because she didn't have one.  It was a pretty miserable couple of weeks! But, oh, SHE loved it!  She said, "Oh, you are so wonderful!",  "You have been so perfect!" (weird way to say thank you, as I reflect on it).  I could do no wrong in her eyes! 

Well, I've decided to back off again now that she is settled and the assisted living is more than capable of taking care of her day to day needs.  Oh, but we can't have that!  Mother suddenly has uncontrollable diarrhea, and I am the only one who can call the doctor and get it fixed, and she's SURE it is her antidepressant causing it (not any one of her other million pills she takes or something she's eaten or a virus or anything).  And of course, she mentioned she's got this and that at the house, like could I just take her back by there again?  Hint, hint.  Instead, I handled it like an adult.  Waited until business hours to call the doctor's office, because this was not an emergency. Related that the nurse said she needs to do a 24 hr clear liquid diet and take Immodium.  What was I thinking? She's like, "That's not the answer!!!  Just forget it!  I've got Immodium AT THE HOUSE".  Well, isn't it grand that the assisted living is managing her meds, and that even for immodium, they need a doctor's prescription!     So, I called the doctor's office again and gave them the number to call it in.  None of this was well received, as you might imagine.  She's like, "Oh, just forget it.  I'll just deal with it".  Guess if I can't be at her beck and call to drop everything, miss even more work and take her by her house every day for 1 or 2 items, she doesn't want a solution.     Oh, well!!!!   

[walking on broken glass]

Hi, Time to Heal!
I was wondering how you are getting on. You are handling everything beautifully! I know it feels difficult and strange and uncomfortable but you are empathetic without allowing yourself to be taken advantage of, and you are setting boundaries.
 

Of course your mum won't like this. But the longer you stay the course the easier it will become. Eventually she will settle in her new home and will find a routine, and she won't be breathing down your neck as much. Hang in there!

[TimetoHeal]

Thank you for the encouragement, WOBG!  Yes, it's been a big adjustment for all of us.  I am having to unlearn being on constant red alert and jumping when she asks me to.  It's like being a parent and being kind but firm and sticking to what I say and not listening to constant excuses!  LOL.  I am hoping it will pay off and she doesn't just ramp up the nonsense.  I think she will find that it's not getting her what she wants anymore, and that if it's not really an emergency, it's better to just figure it out herself or let it slide! 

I think one thing she's really missing is her two cousins who have been her flying monkeys for the past several years.  She was paying them a small fortune (my brother found out by taking over her finances) to do her bidding.  She loved having control over them, but they were also exploiting her at the same time.  We have shut that down, and now either the AL does it, I do it, or it doesn't get done.  And not always the way or in the time she would like.  She is not liking that at all, but that's okay.  She doesn't have to like it. 

[Rebel13]

Just chiming in with some kudos, TimetoHeal. You have it in hand! I know it's stressful and guilt-inducing not to meet her every demand, but it seems likely that at some point you'd have done something "wrong" and not been "perfect" anymore even if you dotted all her "i"s and crossed all her "t"s for her. In my experience it's just how they are -- they can't stay happy with anything for too long, always have to find a way to find fault.

Hang in there, sounds like you are doing great.

[NarcKiddo]

What part of "Assisted" does she not understand? Rhetorical question. Mine would be similar, I am sure. When she had her cataracts done she tried to insist I went to stay with her for two nights. Why? In case she needed help in the night. I was only recently out of hospital myself after a stay including ICU, so hardly in tip top condition. I just told her that if she needed help in the night she would have to employ properly trained care staff. She has the money. There was no guarantee I would waken from a deep sleep if she called out. That much is true - I had just spent two weeks in hospital sleeping through all manner of noise. Funnily enough she would not agree to carers. In the end she bamboozled my sister to do it.

Well done for shutting down the flying monkeys, and well done for standing your ground. She may well ramp up the nonsense for a while, so be prepared to stick to your guns for as long as it takes. Your approach will work eventually but they can be very persistent and any wobbling on your part will only lengthen the misery.

[TimetoHeal]

Just chiming in with some kudos, TimetoHeal. You have it in hand! I know it's stressful and guilt-inducing not to meet her every demand, but it seems likely that at some point you'd have done something "wrong" and not been "perfect" anymore even if you dotted all her "i"s and crossed all her "t"s for her. In my experience it's just how they are -- they can't stay happy with anything for too long, always have to find a way to find fault.

Hang in there, sounds like you are doing great.

Thank you, Rebel!  It really does feel good to finally have some control over my life again. 

I'm struggling with the going from being the perfect, wonderful daughter to the useless, selfish one in a matter of days, based purely on my performance or her perception of it.  I know that's just how she is - totally splitting on people - either you're all good or all bad.  But it still hurts when it happens. 

Well, I can't change her, so I can only change myself and my situation. 

[TimetoHeal]

What part of "Assisted" does she not understand? Rhetorical question. Mine would be similar, I am sure. When she had her cataracts done she tried to insist I went to stay with her for two nights. Why? In case she needed help in the night. I was only recently out of hospital myself after a stay including ICU, so hardly in tip top condition. I just told her that if she needed help in the night she would have to employ properly trained care staff. She has the money. There was no guarantee I would waken from a deep sleep if she called out. That much is true - I had just spent two weeks in hospital sleeping through all manner of noise. Funnily enough she would not agree to carers. In the end she bamboozled my sister to do it.

Well done for shutting down the flying monkeys, and well done for standing your ground. She may well ramp up the nonsense for a while, so be prepared to stick to your guns for as long as it takes. Your approach will work eventually but they can be very persistent and any wobbling on your part will only lengthen the misery.

Haha!  Exactly, NarcKiddo!  She keeps saying nobody will do anything for her there, that it's not their job.  Okay, what exactly are they being paid for then?  And I'm quite sure she has not asked anybody. 

I'm glad you stuck to your guns about not going to your mom' house right after you were in the hospital!  Isn't it amazing how we are just supposed to push through our often very serious health issues?  But no paid help will do.  Don't you know it's the daughter's/son's job to take care or their parent?  (Total sarcasm, in case it's not obvious). 

Don't worry, I am determined to stay strong and not wobble.  No going back now!

[walking on broken glass]

I'm struggling with the going from being the perfect, wonderful daughter to the useless, selfish one in a matter of days, based purely on my performance or her perception of it. 

This resonates with me so much. Hang in there! You are doing the right thing.

[TimetoHeal]

I'm struggling with the going from being the perfect, wonderful daughter to the useless, selfish one in a matter of days, based purely on my performance or her perception of it. 

This resonates with me so much. Hang in there! You are doing the right thing.