Narc mother got me triggered again,bad this time

[JR]

as the title and many of us know already these Narcs can really do some damage when they are backed up with toxic animosity and i just got both barrels of this horrible behavior today. My god why in the world do these people pick a target and unleash this sick behavior without any consequences other than destroying others peace, i guess most of this may be my fault by taking on the role as a caregiver and being in close contact all the time, also as many of us know there are no family(narcs too Golden child(brother),ambivalent covert enabler sister, and most of my other support resources have dried up, if if they could understand this personality disorder at all. Its like they can play you like a violin they start by picking at you with things they know will upset you, and go from there to the point your triggered and fighting back(to no avail) because you've just been had too late. Also i've noticed that most the the narcs friends, outside family have completely gone AWOL because i think they dont want to deal with this persons disposition, which isolates me the more, cant dump her off anywhere else so i dont get the abuse for a little while anyway, the others already know somethings wrong but dont want nothing to do with it no more, that leaves me as the main target. thank god for this forum to get this out, im absolutely sure others here have dealt with this maybe even worse for years. this SOB got me good today, and i fell right into it.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi JR,

Daily contact with someone with a narcissistic personality is very wearing on us. You are having normal reactions to their abnormal behaviours.

I learn a lot from listening to Dr. Ramani videos. It helps me and grounds me to remember, that other person is being abusive, and it is on us, to manage our own behaviour around that person. It basically reminds me that I can't be myself around a narc parent. Ever.

What is it that you wish would change?

You are right - others here on the forum have been caretakers to a narc parent, and can offer some advice on how they got through it.

As you wrote, our world can get really small when we are in that situation because no one else wants to be near the narcissist. I know in the past, some of the advice has been to make plans with people in your life, get a break from caretaking, but don't talk to those folks about your narc mother to them (at least not in detail) because they are not the people who can help you with that part of your life. When we are taking care of others, we do benefit from different types of support. When I was taking care of someone daily, I woulda loved for someone to just go to a movie with me, and get a welcome 3 hour distraction from my home life! and not talk about my narc situation or my home situation but just get a few hours to leave that stuff aside for a bit. Do you have people who you could invite out for something like that? You may feel a strong need to vent and tell the person what a day you've had with your narc mother, but most people in our lives are not suited to hearing any of it. I dont know if that relates to your situation at all, but it is what came to mind for me when I read your post here. Hang in there.

Trees

[JR]

treesgrowslowly, im slowly starting to venture out by taking classes about caregiving and financial/retirement type classes trying to give me some space from the mother, whilst trying to harvest some new aqauitances and contacts, but its very hard not to tell anyone about dealing with a NPD co-dependent, like if someone you meet or old friend you run into at the grocery store and asks you what you've been up to for the last 5 years haven't seen you around, i'd like to answer with that i've looking after an sick elderly parent who by the way is a narcissist which has become my full-time occupation  most of time when i do go out i feel guilty leaving the other alone in front of the TV so i ask her if she wants to go along to get out of the house(bad idea) this is where the fireworks start in the car when the doors are closed and the target is in close proximity the toxic dumping occurs. maybe its best to leave her at home not guilt trip myself over it. im going to a caregiving seminar, with professional  seniors citizen coordinators and also lawyers for consultation and wills end of life type things, i would like to bring up my situation dealing with a narcissistic individual and see what they say about it, or maybe they would just look at me with a blank face thinking whats this guy think he is Dr Phil, you cant make those diagnosis's your not a professional.

[bloomie]

JR - Whew! Hard stuff. Maybe this is as hard as it gets, to be honest. I am so sorry your parent is not healthy enough to appreciate the sacrifice and caring you are offering.

A couple of things came to mind - getting out and having time to yourself doing things you enjoy, not related to the caretaking role, is essential and good self care. If your elder chooses to use that alone time to watch television that is their choice and certainly not you neglecting or mistreating them. They could always do a puzzle or call a friend or write a note to someone, read a book.

If they choose to veg out while you gain some much needed respite and wisely avoid being stuck in a car with an abusive person, so be it.

The other thing... the seminar you are going to where there are experts to help you - make good use of that and find any resources and possible respite care and anything else available to you to lighten your load.

Anyone in that realm of expertise knows and understands caretaking alone is very intense and poses great health and mental health risks for a full time caregiver to burn out and possibly have health issues related to the demands and stress. And that is with a fairly cooperative, pleasant elder.

Throw in a high conflict, difficult, combative personality and it is a heavy load you are carrying. People understand and if they don't keep moving on until you find someone who does and who can point you to resources, support and help. Tell your story! Fight for yourself in this!

Here and listening and sending you all the strength and wisdom you need in this hour!

[treesgrowslowly]

Agreeing with what Bloomie wrote here.

To add, when you meet with those people who can help you with retirement or estate planning, you don't need to diagnose your mother with anything - you can just talk about her actual behaviors. Separate out how you feel, from what she is doing from day to day. For example you can just tell them "she yells at people when she's stressed out or tired" "She has trouble reading fine print" "she has had some hearing loss" "she can / can't go up and down stairs alone" etc.. If you practice describing her, what she does, her behaviours, what she says, how often she yells, it doesn't make you sound crazy. You're not trying to diagnose her you are just summarizing how she behaves.

If you try to get people to understand a phrase like "toxic dumping", for example, you are expecting them to know a lot about psychology, anger, and narcissism. That's jargon. Which the average person doesn't know anything about. So you just say what she does "She criticizes my driving and insults me when I am in the car driving her around". People will understand that - they will know what you are describing.

Honestly I have learned that if we are at a grocery store and someone says "hows it going?" They do not want to hear about the narc abuse going on in my life. They are in a grocery store. they want to continue on with their grocery shopping within the next few minutes. If this is someone who is open to it, you could say "could we meet for coffee to have a proper catch up?" but that will depend on them. Mostly they are asking you to check in with them, and are not prepared to hear about any details.

This does pose problems for us, as we can be really isolated. Which I do not think is entirely on us - we're in a world full of people who dont want to know narcissism even exists, never mind actually help us with it when it has taken over our family. Even though I identified my parents' PD decades ago, I can count on one hand, how many people in my life have cared at all, about what i went through by having a parent with a PD. The concern is just not there most of the time.

It sounds like you want honest conversations about what is really going on and you want to tell people the truth when they say "hows it going?". I think this is where a CODA meting may be helpful because that's a place where people can try to understand what you are going through because there's a good chance that someone else at those CODA meetings has some narcissistic people in their family. 

Trees