Same fight over and over

[sunshine702]

My BPD partner and I have had the same fight over and over. Have for years now.  Identical.  It stems from me "attacking him". And sometimes my tone is frustration I admit that and sometimes it is more begging and sometimes it's very open calm and problem solving.  I express my needs.  He gets triggered.  Hey could you hang that picture it's been two weeks now.  Or I would really like some time I feel so alone can we please plan maybe this new place?.  Then I will hear - you LIE it has not been three weeks. Any detail not perfect and I LIE.  Always telling lies about me. Any wrong paraphrase and I LIE and put words in his mouth. Or Nothing is ever good enough for you.  We went to dinner a month ago and whatever I do is not good enough for you or if I just quit my job and my school is the only way to make you happy.  None of that is at all true.  These is some trimming around the edges. You have A FEW minutes. 

Nothing ever gets solved and older skeletons of previous hurts will get brought up if the fight goes on too long.    He will also get nastier and nastier if things are not just dropped never solved just dropped. 

Good god I would start crying if I heard - sure hon come here.  I would like to be a full secure tank instead I am a dangerous low fuel jealous mess.  I want to be more understanding and cool but I am not first and I will lose to mom, job, school and brother's kids and ai KNOW it.!

He honestly feels attacked if I try to discuss my needs.  There was one time he was working so many hours going in hours before and staying hours late and he called me on a Friday to tell me he was going to his brother's kids swim meet after. I was feeling really vulnerable and alone and asked he skip it?? He has still not forgiven me that I dare ask him that.  And yea but damn it can I come first once.  Just once and I will be much happier to say Yes another time. The kids are 5 and 8 and we see them like once a month for a touch.   My god you would think I made him miss a wedding or something .  No he could not miss a swim meet.  How DARE I ask him - I was the final swim of the season .  I really am 25th on the list and nothing will change that.
😢

Anyone who understands BPD can translate for me?  I feel I say larger umbrella and he says platypus.  Like we are not speaking the same language. He honestly believes this LIES and Nothing ever good enough no matter how rationally I try to explain I do not think that!

I need some tools because it really tears up my nervous system each and every time

[square]

Sorry, that is very hard.

Yes, I can translate, but translation only goes so far.

Hey could you hang that picture it's been two weeks now.

My husband would flip if I said this, too. He would hear it as me setting up a situation to criticize him. Just remove the "been two weeks" and just ask if he can come hang the picture now.

Will he hang it? I dunno. But the chances of a blowup decrease if you leave the "been two weeks" out.


I would really like some time I feel so alone can we please plan maybe this new place?. 

Yup, my husband would blow up over this too. "I feel so alone" = "you're doing something wrong, I'm unhappy with you."

Just ask what day would be good to go to X place.

Will he do it? Dunno. Will you feel more cherished? Doubtful.

But you can try just asking for what you want and stop trying to justify it by saying it's been awhile. You hope he will hear your need but he will not, he will only hear you taking gratuitous swipes at him.

I've learned I can't ask things of my husband and need to get my needs met elsewhere. Friends, babysitters, Uber, whatever, just not him. He cannot offer a marriage or partnership. We are not partners.

I don't have enough in my tank to give him what he does not give me, so that's how it goes. He needs to meet his own needs and solve his own problems. Things are quieter now. But is it a marriage? No, I can't make a marriage alone.

[sunshine702]

You are right.  Dinner at 8 statements do work on him letter then are you hungry?

I just picked up two new shifts at work so I will be back to 4 days a week and I have some social outlets I but I just need to be careful and plan for a taxi. 

[notrightinthehead]

Sunshine, I am so sorry you have to live this way. I fully agree with Square's statement:

I've learned I can't ask things of my husband and need to get my needs met elsewhere. Friends, babysitters, Uber, whatever, just not him. He cannot offer a marriage or partnership. We are not partners.

That was a bitter realization about my marriage too.

I am glad you decided to implement some changes in your own life. More work means more money and more independence for you. Seeing people gives you some normal feedback of being respected and valued. Someone actually wants to spend time with you and is interested in you.

You might also try find some support group that can help you understand why you are willing to beg for scraps of attention and love from a man who puts you at the bottom of his priority list. What can you do to believe you deserve better? And then implement the changes, like you already have begun, to make your life better. Stop banging on that closed door. Find your validation and friendship where it is freely given.

[sunshine702]

Thank you guys.  Omg yes all of this!!!!  People who GET IT!!!!!!

I have been reading the relationship books. - I feel statements.  Love Language. This all makes sense and then same fight for the one millionth time.   Toxic dance. This relationship or Miss Manors advice is for NORMAL people in your life!!!  This does not work with Narcs or Borderlines.

Yeah my past therapist understood how INDEPENDENT I am which is very helpful.  But I don't know when I am saying hey could you tell your mom I am sick not this week but NOPE.  It is hard I am a bit isolated so we have to be everything to each other.  I get it I trigger him. He is Quiet BPD.  I don't mean to. 

I am coming to terms with
*mom wins everything
*I have wrong opinions.
* I can not ask and get what I want really.


Ramani video on "just leave". Honestly helped a lot. 

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=oAbGPwiwOfc&pp=ygUUZHIgcmFtYW5pIGp1c3QgbGVhdmU%3D

[Tryingtounderstand]

I think the toughest part is accepting the reality of the situation and the frustration of not being able to help. Some can change with work some cannot. This is a brutal truth that i am trying to get through myself. After all this is someone you love and care for. For us(kind,
Compassionate, caring,loving)turning that off is no easy task. We will continue to try until we meet common ground or have exhausted all our options. I wish you the best.