uNPD family member making my life hell

[Kaz1956]

I have come to this forum before about troubles with a bereaved uNPD cousin of my husband. Things have taken a bad turn for the worse and I'm so stuck.

The overview is he is 68 and lost his husband/partner of 30 years nine months ago. His partner was a sunny, lighthearted man but also a complete enabler of the cousins NPD behaviours. The cousin who I've known for 40+ years has always been at times selfish, spiteful, mean, eggshell skulled, prickly and vindictive. He always seems to have a set against someone and the narrative is that he's the victim. He can talk about his often incomprehensible grievances for hours. He's quite a difficult person. On the flip side , he can be charming and fun and to be fair, that's the version we'd seen most till a few years ago. I guess as he's aged, he's become more negative and self absorbed and is quite tiresome to have around.

The four of us, the cousin, husband, myself and my husband, have spent quite a bit of time together over the years. When the cousin's husband died suddenly overseas nine months ago, I flew over to assist as my work skill set meant I would be useful. I managed the insurance issue and arranged the cremation and then brought the cousin home. He was injured also, not badly but needed assistance.

In the ensuing months, my husband and I supported the husband to an enormous degree. There seemed to be no bottom to the demands he placed on us. It was relentless and exhausting. It impacted enormously on both of our mental health but especially mine.

By March, my husband and I felt that we needed to start putting some boundaries around these demands. To be honest, it had started to become bizarre and manipulative and after six months it was time to have a conversation about how much we could offer given the toll on us.

In early April, I had a theatre day out arranged with the cousin. At lunch afterwards I broached the topic and explained the toll on our mental health. The cousin had been in the habit of calling to vent about everything in his life, from phone issues, health concerns, problems with family or other friends etc. Everything was a crisis, and a drama. I asked him if he could filter things before automatically calling to vent. Yes we wanted to support his grief but not everything needed our input.

He said that he completely understood and was sorry that he'd put us through so much. He said it had been a good conversation and that it had cleared the air. I was extremely relieved and came home happy to tell my husband that things would be better. Ha, ha, ha how naive.

We are now living in the land of the triggered narcissist playbook. First, ghosting, with the only contact when we checked in, which we did weekly. His tone now was stiff, formal and cold.

Next triangulation, he started speaking only to my husband and started warmly cultivating him all the whole dropping snide comments in about me. Fortunately my husband rebutted every one.

Next the propaganda campaign. We hear the narrative is that I'm the difficult one and he has no idea what he's done to deserve.......

Next, playing the victim. No explanation really needed but every call has layers of manipulation, gaslighting and guilt tripping inbuilt.

If it was anyone else , by now you'd move on wouldn't you. But it's a family member, he's grieving, triggered, getting it badly wrong but seems to have all the power as we're sure almost no one else is being exposed to this behaviour and we are worried that we'll be blamed by others for being unkind in his time of need.

Finally last weekend he asked to come to our place for a night. He seemed more upbeat. He told my husband he missed us and wanted to make things right. He lives in a nearby city so it had to be an overnight visit.

I've been sick for over three weeks so my energy isn't great right now plus I have a daughter and her husband and two small grandchildren moving overseas for three years in a few days, so I've been very stretched helping them, not out mention the emotional toll on us as they leave. The cousin was well aware of all of this.

He arrived looking very tense and almost before sitting down he launched into an ambush. It was a two hour tirade of how awful I had been to him and how he'd been impacted. My husband told him clearly that all decisions had been joint and to stop attacking me. That shocked him as he'd come primed for triangulation.

He ran a monologue of over an hour on how bravely he's handling his grief and how he's rebuilding his life. He lied, reinvented history, guilt tripped us and ran every narcissistic trick. I have had two parents and three siblings uNPD so I know them all.

We stayed calm, rebutted when we could but essentially he had to run out of steam. Finally I was clearly exhausted and not well so he actually noticed and asked if he should stop. Unbelievable! Of course we said yes.

He then seemed to be completely fine and wanted to hug us. We just wanted calm by this point so shelved any discussion between us till he left the next morning.

I really would value advice as I don't feel that I can continue with him at any level., especially after this ambush and selfish rant. He feels a very unsafe person to be around for me and there's nothing worthwhile in the relationship to fight for.

As mentioned previously, he's family and has everyone's concern and sympathy. They all have minimal to no physical contact with him and we can't enlighten anyone without sounding like the worst people in the world.

The cousin left the next day seemingly cheerful and saying that he wanted to see us soon. He didn't seem to notice that I was subdued and exhausted. He clearly feels we've been taught a lesson and will be back where he wants us.

[notrightinthehead]

What a dilemma! Having grown up in a family with NPD members, you might have developed co-dependent traits. And that might make you the perfect target for people, such as your cousin .
I totally agree with you, you do have to set boundaries in place. Iron clad ones. But you don't have to communicate them to your cousin. You have to implement them. Like when he came to your house and vented - there was no need for you to stick around. You could have remembered an important task and left. Leave the room, leave the house - don't stick around and let others demolish you. That's a boundary. You can put the phone down as soon as he begins to vent. Don't worry what he says to others about you. If they believe him, that's on them. And they will make their own experiences with him, when he lashes onto them. You also don't need to tell anyone about him, warn them or tell them your side of the story, unless they ask you. And then be brief, don't give into the temptation to vent about him or gossip. Take the high road.
When you have interactions with him, medium chill and non JADE is your best friend. It takes a bit of time to learn and practice, but you will get better at it. Just decide that from now on, you will not allow yourself to be baited, manipulated, demeaned, bullied. You will take the appropriate action to be kind and respectful to yourself. You will protect yourself. If that means no contact for a while - that's fine!
Have you read "Stop Caretaking the Borderline/Narcissist"? Have you studied the Toolbox? You might also get to work on your co-dependent tendencies. Please come back here and let us know how you are progressing. Other people can learn from your experiences along your journey.

[Kaz1956]

Thanks for that great advice. You know , I do know this stuff and have successfully managed the other NPD's in my life. I'm aware that I can be attractive to PD's and have to actively and mindfully navigate the inevitable co-dependency traits from my FOO. It's the bereavement complications that have had me second guessing every move. I can't thank you enough for your direct and on point advice. The ambush caught us unawares and for me at a low point physically and emotionally. It won't happen again.

[NarcKiddo]

He may be bereaved but that is not a free pass for any amount of unpleasant behaviour. You've put put with more than enough. You need to look after yourself and if your boundaries don't suit him that's tough. I agree with the advice given not to worry about what he says to others, or what others may then think. My T is always telling me that we cannot know for sure what others think - even if they tell us what they are thinking that does not mean it is the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. So all you can do is stick to your principles and your boundaries.

I hope you get better soon, and I'm sorry your daughter and her family are moving away. At least it's not forever but three years is still a long time.

[LemonLime]

Oh my gosh, Kaz.   Just adding my support.  You've received excellent advice from all the other posters so far.

I have a similar relative.  The whole "I've been so brave" trope really sounds familiar.  It makes my stomach churn now in disgust, as I realize how I've been manipulated by that over the years.

My guilty pleasure now is employing all the ToolBox tricks on the uPD.  It's a little fun to watch their reaction when they don't get what they want/expect.  After all, their tricks worked so well for so long.  I'm sure they're wondering what the heck happened that THEIR toolbox is no longer working.  I'm not particularly proud of delighting in this, but I'm being truthful.  It's a little bit of revenge, I guess, and it feels good given the amount of time and heartache and stomach acid I wasted on them over the years.

The "Stop Caretaking" book is pure gold, IMO.   I've heard the same from many, many people.  That it was by far the best book they ever read on this subject.

Good luck and please update us.  You are doing GREAT!!!!!!   And your husband is a superstar to have defended you at every turn.  That is wonderful!!

[Kaz1956]

My thanks to you all. My library had the Stop Caretaking available as an audiobook so I'm listening already.

[Kaz1956]

Hi again, I did read Stop Caretaking the Borderline/Narcissist and found it incredibly helpful in understanding my role in allowing the cousin to infiltrate my life. Most importantly it helped me to see the importance of placing my needs first and having strong boundaries, both things I've struggled with. Coming from a PD heavy FOO I was clearly groomed to the Caretaker role but further always felt that my worth was entirely based on what I did for others as this was the only validation I ever received. To receive these crumbs of attention, I had to sell my own needs out to ingratiate myself with the abusers. I was always trying to be chosen. It never worked and left me feeling worthless.
The book helped me to articulate these rather vague notions into crystal clear language. It's been very liberating and I can feel relief at having language around what till now were fuzzy insights.
The cousin is not going to stop being who he is. I'm sad for him as he's getting it so very wrong. After the ambush attack outlined above, changes had to happen and the advice here and the book Stop Caretaking the Borderline/Narcissist have helped inform my way forward.
The book makes the point that people who have not been subjected to PD abuse instinctively read the PD's manipulative behaviour and move away from them. This was a revelation for me as my husband was entirely comfortable with strong boundaries instantly and didn't waste any emotional energy second guessing or overthinking or in guilt, fear or obligation. I of course did but have made peace with what needs to be done. I also feel compassion for human suffering but for the first time, don't feel that I need to sacrifice my mental health to be the rescuer.
The cousin is staying away, sending an occasional text but is otherwise not in contact. I am sure he's running a propaganda campaign and to be honest, this bothers me, mainly due to triggering from my uNPD mother, sister and brother having done this in the past. I'm working now on not letting this get to me and focussing on my own needs and wellbeing.
It's a bit of a rough patch though as my daughter and her husband left the country 5 days ago with my two little grandchildren. I'm missing their sunny presence very much. My other two children are also both away, one on a career break year long trip with my other grandchildren, and one returning from overseas next week. It's been hard having none of them nearby while this has been going on.
In some ways though it's allowing me the time to process quite a lot gently. The lessons I'm processing from Stop Caretaking the Borderline/Narcissist are so very needed and have already changed how I feel when attending things like my walking group. I feel more confident that I'm valued just for who I am and no longer feel that I need to try to prove my worth. It's quite a freeing revelation.
Anyway, I think we're probably going to lose the cousin and I have to accept that I can't fix that.
Again, thank you for your guidance and care. It means a great deal to me ❤️

[Rebel13]

I'm so glad you're feeling better and stronger. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and experiences with the book; I'm going to check it out.

[Kaz1956]

One final update. Last night the cousin emailed to say he wants a break from us and doesn't want to see us for the foreseeable. Hallelujah! Apparently we are making him miserable by wanting proper boundaries.
Although I feel genuine compassion for his situation, my overwhelming feeling is one of huge relief. I sense he's out of the picture now indefinitely.
The information and learning from the book Stop Caretaking the Borderline/Narcissist has given me strength, power and perspective to see this through. No JADEing, no caretaking, nor being the victim. As I found with my own FOO PD's, no contact buys you a whole lot of peace. I'm glad we got there ❤️

Now to move on. I'm tired from managing him and holding him at bay.

[Rebel13]

Oh what good news! I can't decide if it's better when *they* make the break -- but it's not a bad thing, for sure! I wish you much peace going forward and hopefully you'll be able to spend your time and energy on your own life and wishes.

[Kaz1956]

Thank you Rebel13. I love this group. The understanding, kindness and tolerance is so genuine and abundant. I'm so grateful ❤️

[Kaz1956]

PS Rebel13, I'm fine that he made the break in this situation. Given his bereavement I don't think my husband or I felt we could do it. In this case, he's done us a very big favour 🥰