Still mad about a divorce 30 years later

[donutmoonpanda]

My primary question here is, is it normal for a person to still be upset about their divorce 30 years later? Married for 10 years, divorced for 30 and still complaining about it every chance he gets.

So my FIL is some flavor of narc. He's definitely an emotionally immature man. My husband and his sister have been distancing themselves from their dad pretty much as soon as they married and started their own families because FIL is demanding and wants everything to revolve around him. He's the kind of dad who wasn't around very much, he demanded separate Christmas's and birthdays be spent with him, and that he NEVER be in the same room as their mother ever (this made wedding planning hell). His kids were very accommodating, until they got lives of their own and couldn't accommodate him anymore.

Meanwhile, FIL has a girlfriend of 25 years we'll call Debbie. We all learned recently that Debbie was married to another man all this time. We learned this when he passed away last year and we saw his obituary. We also viewed his funeral, there was a whole YouTube video where Debbie told everyone that her late husband (who was a builder) was up in heaven working on their mansion where she'll join him one day.

When confronted about this, FIL said he lied and "it didn't hurt anybody, it's my life, I can do what I like." He didn't apologize for lying to his kids and their families. Debbie never apologized, instead she writes passive aggressive things on her facebook about how she hopes my husband and his sister will die. So she's a real sweet person 

Both children told him that they never want to see Debbie again, and yet every chance he gets, he tries to bring Debbie to family functions. She's never even met my SIL's two kids (the oldest is 5). It's like he wants to just skip the part where he apologizes, makes amends, etc. Have his cake and eat it too.

Recently, he was invited to his grandson's second birthday party and refused to come if he couldn't bring Debbie. When SIL said, "I don't want Debbie there, after you lied to us for so long about who she is." And FIL said, "I had to lie to you because your mother divorced me all those years ago."

I cannot for the life of me understand what that means. He has to lie to his kids because their mother left him 30 years ago? Also: They divorced because FIL cheated and gave MIL a sexually transmitted disease, so she realized he was cheating and divorced him. What does that have to do with their children?

Anyway, to know this man is still mad about his divorce (resentful that he was caught cheating and held accountable) 30 years ago, is incredible. How many people are still mad at their ex-spouse 30 years later? When they have a new significant other anyway? Is it normal for PDs to never get over being left? And they just take it out on their kids forever?

[bloomie]

is it normal for a person to still be upset about their divorce 30 years later? Married for 10 years, divorced for 30 and still complaining about it every chance he gets.

donutoonpanda - it seems like it is typical for your fil to avoid personal responsibility and attempt to circumvent natural consequences for his morally bankrupt behaviors and life choices using his ancient divorce and any other thing he can muster up as excuses. But normal, no. 

You and your dear husband are wise to stay clear of all of it and continue living your good and happy lives.

[treesgrowslowly]

Wow, after learning about narcissism for so long now, so that I can finally understand my family tree, your experience sounds very familiar to me!

The big red flag of narcissism here is how he blamed someone (who isn't even involved) for the problems HE has caused.

This is classic, it was done over and over in my FOO, very common for them to pick some reason out of the sky, and blame someone for THEIR bad behaviour, bad judgement, lack of empathy, lack of concern for others. He's speaking his truth when he said "its my life I can do what I like".

These are super disordered people. They will continue to treat you like this, because this is what they think they are entitled to.

Narcs who are concerned with their image, do NOT like it if someone divorces them because it affects the image of who they are (to others). That is what they tend to resent, is how being left, has affected how people see them. Who knows what lies he has told Debbie over the years.

Trees

[SonofThunder]

Agree with bloomie and trees. 

Want to add that imo, PD's always use the Karpman drama triangle (wiki link below) as a tool to feed 'self', and the PD's desire is to always return to the victim role on the triangle.  The PD will play the roles of the persecutor and even rescuer temporarily, but their motives in playing those two roles are imo, to return to victimhood. 

Is it possible that he's not really mad about a 30 year old divorce, but that the divorce is simply used as a triangle tool to assist in his victimization? 

#motiveiseverything

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karpman_drama_triangle?wprov=sfti1

SoT

[sunshine702]

Yes NARCs think they OWN you FOR LIFE.  Divorce, being married to someone else, being treated horribly.... They don't care yes he still think he owns all of you - despite what legal situation is or isn't.

Debbie sounds awful but father in law sounds 10 times worse honestly. Water seeks its own level.   Do you really need his poison steeping into you and the grandkid?

[firepoetry]

My Nex is still mad at me because "I took away our child for him for a full month when she was 10 months old" and deprived her of the relationship with him.

Mind you, it was because I had an order of protection against him after months of circular arguing and fighting and his screaming he hated me so much he wanted to rip my face off and kill me; and then threatened family homicide / suicide.

But, their relationship difficulties today are the result of my having deprived her of her father for that month while we were in a domestic violence shelter. And, he claims that our daughter is a sociopath, and that she HAS TO DO MEDITATION or other mindfulness, otherwise, she's going to continue to grow up and be a sociopath like Elon Musk or Trump. (His exact words / politics).

And, his poverty issues, that he has because he literally sabotages all of his jobs, etc., and his problems with our daughter, ARE ALL MY FAULT.

So, that gives him justification to do whatever he wants to do, to me or our child.

So, no, it is not normal for a healthy person to still be mad at a person for a divorce that happened 30 years ago. But, with narcs, there is no time issue. They will always be angry. I was also told that many narcs have abandonment issues, so when we leave them, it is a trigger for them.