Advice on Dropping the News

[MaxedOut]

Hi all,

I have been slowly (and mostly steadily) leaving the FOG. It is getting to the point where I feel the need to have more than just an emergency exit plan. I am thinking about what a planned/intentional exit might look like.

This is frankly much scarier to me.

There are a lot of specifics to my situation and in relation to my spouse's mental health and ability to be independent that I am thinking through and talking with a therapist about. Knowing that *everything* will need to get evaluated through that context, I am wanting to hear from others about your takeaways when it comes to your experience informing your SO you were leaving/want a divorce (especially with borderline type traits).

I mean the specifics of the actual informing them. I know the fallout, rounds of reaction, will be a lot to get through. And totally welcome to focus on "if I had it to do over again..." versus experiences.

It seems like some of the oft-recommended experts/books would perhaps recommend brief, firm, non criticizing notification and perhaps some preemptive statements of empathy, understanding, respect. Or recommend no conversation-just getting out and serving papers.

So much is individual and circumstance driven but the reactions and patterns are eerily similar oftentimes. I have some firming up to do but feel OK about my emergency exit plan (likely with no in person convo). I'd like more of a sense of strategies for an intentional exit, with at least a starting assumption of there being an in person conversation.

I have read Splitting, Eggshells, Why Does he Do That, Stop Caretaking, It's All Your Fault, When Hope is not Enough, and others. Some specific questions (again, generalities are of interest):
- What comes to mind about overall experience (what went OK, what didn't, what you'd change).
- How much did you/do you think is good when it comes to getting into reasons?
- How honest should those reasons be? (Part of me is tempted to either stick with my responsibility/needs without really getting into stuff or keeping things simple with abusive behaviors that I have talked about not being OK and that continue).
- This seems like a high JADE environment. Tips on minimizing that (seems like reiterating the decision, acknowledging it is hurtful/selfish/understandably upsetting but not getting into stuff might be a good strategy).
- How much do you think these details even matter? Do you feel like it was dammed if you do/damned if you don't and the details are likely immaterial to the reactions?

For context, knowing my SO, I can't imagine sticking around, remaining in the house, so would be exiting after the figuring out stuff about stuff. So perhaps a little bit of what's-next info might be a good to figure out and communicate (if things don't spin out of control off the bat). No kids in the picture.

[square]

Writing in abbreviated format here—-

Reasons are not going to be heard and understood. Basically it's JADE. Stick with a simple mantra, like "I can't do it anymore" and accept it will not be accepted.

Supportive statements are lovely with a reasonable person. They aren't going to help anything except maybe that you'll feel you tried.

She's explosive. Reason is not going to figure in this. You're going to have to move quickly once the fuse is lit.

You could consider doing it when she's already blowing up about something and just getting the hell out. Basically decide the next straw is the last one.

[escapingman]

You can't reason with a PD, whatever you say will be twisted. My ex wife refused to accept the end of the marriage and rotated between love bombing me, being the victim and rage at me - all to make me stay. If I got to do it again I would have done what I did which was leaving the house, getting a court order and have her evicted and a protective order but from day 1 and not months into the divorce process. If you have kids, be prepared for them being used as pawns, parental alienation and whatever they can be used for.

First of all, make sure you are safe! You don't owe an explanation, you have been abused and have the right to just leave.

Good luck!

[NBRiverGuy]

Maxed,

We are at the same breaking point. I don't know what your history is, but I've been married for almost 20 years and we began dating 24 years ago. I saw so many red flags from the get go that I completely ignored. We even split for almost a year shortly before we got married and I moved to a new city. She followed me. Then, I took her back because she was laying on the love-bombing thick and I was lonely. I should have ignored her phone calls, but she would leave the sweetest messages and they made me feel good. I wish I could go back in time and shake some sense into that stupid kid. I say all that because it does not sound like you have as much time invested from reading your post, and I will tell you that it gets harder as the years go by. Get out now. I have a complicated emotional attachment to this person after 24 years together and it is hard to cut it loose. I have determined that I can't do it by myself, so I am going to meet with a therapist, tell her the whole sordid history and hopefully she can help me find the strength and develop an exit strategy and start living a healthy life. We'll keep giving each other the strength to push forward here. This totally sucks. Good luck to both of us.