Reactive Abuse?

[Invisiblewoman]

My aunt said she tried to give my address to my abuser to show me I am so bad and out of control in her opinion that I deserve my abuser to mind me.

I had been no contact with my mother for 10 years and was in my late 40s.

Why she felt the need to do this was odd. Instead of reacting with how dare you give my address to my abuser, I laughed it off and said "oh my god I'd disown you" in a facetious way. I wasn't trying to be cruel.

At first I didn't even get mad  and I pretty much forgot and brushed it off as a misunderstanding. I felt bad for causing her reaction and looking back her reaction was kinda bizarre and calloused towards me yet so hypersensitive when I mockingly mention that there could be boundaries set with that kind of behaviour. I think I responded the way I did because I didn't take it seriously since it appeared she wasn't being literal.

My aunt used this interaction to scorekeep my transgressions against her.

She was immensely outraged and had me promise I would never abandon her.  She held a grudge over it and used this as a depiction of my "abuse" of her when I caught her in a lie and asked her to refrain from playing games with me, several months later.

She also said several things attacking my character and mental health status, and threatened to disown me.  Even though I didn't attack her personally she made several personal attacks and expounded on how she is a wonderful person with a wonderful life and above criticism from a person like me. She then accused me of harassment, despite all the crap and eggshells she threw at me. No matter how equitable my response was it was an attack.

She is probably running back to family claiming I abused her.

Her behaviour is weird to me because she was absolutely insensitive and has been absolutely hostile towards me and yet if I say something that triggers her- hell hath no fury more than her fragile ego.  It takes so little to set her off, meanwhile she feels entitled to spew absolute garbage at me.

I remember saying my superintendent had been in my place and I wasn't comfortable with him being there, and automatically being accused of lying about having him in my place. Even my superintendent said he was there. My uncle said I was lying because my aunt said so. They weren't even there  and had no right making such a deceptive accusation.  They based it off of a character smear.

[bloomie]

Invisiblewoman - Is your aunt using your NC with your mother in a smear campaign?

Did your aunt pass along your address without your permission and have there been these painful behaviors from your aunt and uncle ongoing or is this something new and unexpected? I ask to try and get a better understanding of things.

I am really sorry this is happening. So much unnecessary drama this must bring into your life!

[Invisiblewoman]

Invisiblewoman - Is your aunt using your NC with your mother in a smear campaign?

Did your aunt pass along your address without your permission and have there been these painful behaviors from your aunt and uncle ongoing or is this something new and unexpected? I ask to try and get a better understanding of things.

I am really sorry this is happening. So much unnecessary drama this must bring into your life!

It is not happening right at the moment. I guess I am curious as to why she acted this way during and after my mother died.

As for smear campaigns I am NC. I don't know what is happening.

I'm sure there is a smear campaign I just don't know what it's about because I completely disconnected.

That interaction made me wonder. I thought it was my fault at first but she was reacting over the top; it seems she has issues. The fact she was enraged and held a grudge over my not being on board with her handing out my address is, I don't know, interesting.

She also denied doing it. It's concerning because the fact I can set her off so easily and in retaliation she could expose my address.

I just wonder a lot about her behaviour now that I am at a safer distance from her.

This seemed new and unexpected. I wasn't close, but I thought I could trust them.  My mother was very abusive and when she died it was like they punished me for saying anything about her, but of course, they pretty much could spin up whatever they wanted to say about her. If I said anything with regards to her abuse I was made out to be a problem and accused of lying.

I think the process of my mother dying and family turning it in to an opportunity to try and control and isolate me has put me through a process.

At first I blamed myself and I wanted to fix the relationship. They attacked and just took 0 accountability and shifted the entire blame on me.

I used to think my aunt was a safe person but given her recent behaviour I don't trust her anymore. Just seems to heap judgement and ire onto me but can't handle if I don't agree or won't go along with her tactics. That throws her into a rage.

At first I was afraid of saying anything given my family history (including physical violence if you talk to anyone about the family).  I feel safe analyzing their behaviour now.

[Invisiblewoman]

I think ultimately what happened is there was intentional provoking and saying upsetting things to provoke a reaction from me, and whatever I said would have been framed to look bad, while they pretended to not have said anything to provoke my response.

I didn't respond with rage so it's not reactive abuse. But my reaction was deceptively framed as being worse than what it was.

[bloomie]

I think ultimately what happened is there was intentional provoking and saying upsetting things to provoke a reaction from me, and whatever I said would have been framed to look bad, while they pretended to not have said anything to provoke my response.

I didn't respond with rage so it's not reactive abuse. But my reaction was deceptively framed as being worse than what it was.

I used to think my aunt was a safe person but given her recent behaviour I don't trust her anymore. Just seems to heap judgement and ire onto me but can't handle if I don't agree or won't go along with her tactics. That throws her into a rage.

These are such important and difficult realizations. I am really glad you don't go along with her abusive tactics any longer. A huge milestone in your healing!