Torn

[Marianne]

My dad's en mum's family is double.

= A grandma i never knew well for my dad says she was narcisstic and double.
- A sensitive and sweet uncle who sadisticly abused me.
- A warm and caring mother who humiliated and scapegoated me.
- A dad who's always there for me and my son and says he plays manipulative games over his head and does so.

As a result I am double towards my family too.

I love them and fear them and am angry with them. I want them near and I want them away. I fight and fawn.

My family is one huge double bind. Now CPS is involved and I do not know what to do. Should I be honest to protect my son? Should I be silent and loving about my dad to protect my dad? Or my son, because my dad will definitely turn them against me if I speak?

Does God ask of me silence and forgiveness? Or speaking up and being honest? Am I too late and fucked up too much and does God hate me now? And will everything go to ruins whatever I do? Should I trust my father who is manipulative or CPS who has been manipulative? Or nobody at all? And then what? 

I have been so utterly stupid that I feel this is consequence of not listening to all Gods good advices.

Psalm 37:4-6 came on my path...the psalm that says do no fret. And leave it to God. He will make it right. But even if so, what do I do in the meanwhile? Hush or speak? 

[bloomie]

Marianne - the situation sounds untenable and terrible. I am so sorry. We are limited in what we can do here and advise because it sounds like it is an active domestic violence and CPS situation.

I can say that here at Out of the FOG we believe in Putting Children First.

Here are emergency service links that may be of help to you, but it seems like time to find in real life help, answers and support from your local domestic violence organization, faith community, and trusted friends.

https://outofthefog.website/emergency
https://www.thehotline.org

[Marianne]

Thanks.

And sorry for writing so much. I'm panicking. And feeling guilty. I wanted so much to break intergenerational trauma.

My current position.

Solomon's judgement. Dad and I feel so unsafe with each other, that both continue fighting. We tear kid apart this way. I will stop fighting. I cannot unsee dad's manipulation. But I know my own faults also made him scared. I cannot trust him for now. But I will forgive. Maybe if I give up the fight, dad will also stop fighting, and be honest again. I will give my kid my attention in the days he is here. And try change myself for the better.

 

[Marianne]

And if anyone has any kind of christian comfort...a song..a bible text...I'd love to hear. I'm in pain over my child and my family.