Dumbfounded & numb

[Monkey Boy]

I'm a numb and all seems surreal.  My partner and I have been together over 26 years.  During the first 10 years we had our ups and downs, including emotional outbursts sometime leading to violence and a couple of instances of admitted (due to feeling guilty) infidelity. We went to therapy, both together and separately.  On my one on one with the therapist he told me that my partner potentially had a personality disorder,  perhaps BPD and that things could be hard if I decided to stay in the relationship.  I did some reading and things got better with only occasional emotional outbursts and throwing things, but overall, much improved.  We retired and moved to his home country 7 years ago as it was much more affordable and I thought that it would be good for him to be near his family and in his native culture.  He was still highly emotional and the fights still occurred but much less than before 

When we first moved he had a good friend.  I had a weird vibe about their friendship but eventually wrote it off to not understanding the culture.  Over the last 5 years things have been much better except the twice a month all-nighters and coming home drunk in the morning (common for men in this country with the prevalence of machismo culture).  We talked about his going out and he said that he'd go less frequently so I was ok with that as it is definitely part of the culture here.

Anyhow, a few months ago I noticed a lot of texting and I could see the name of the person.  I started to get suspicious.  I also noted that when I when to the bathroom once he have gotten into my wallet  I called him on it and he denied it.  The texting continued and the other day he forgot his phone.  I couldn't help myself and checked the texts.  Apparently he is having sex with this person and giving him money to recharge his cell phone and paying for everything when they go out.  The first chats it was obvious that the was a fight between the two and my partner had called off the affair because he felt that he wasn't being taken seriously.   He told this guy that he only wanted to he with me and that they could be just friends. Next day my partner profeses his love for this person and admonishes him as my partner is apparently jealous.   He also tell his "friend" that he not the only game in town and admits to have sex with 3 other people (might be bluster or not).   Checking texts today they have a rendezvous for Sunday. 

I am shocked.  He absolutely acts normal.  I can't detect any difference in how he treats me.  He's still caring and helpful, telling me that he loves me like normal.  It's like he's two people.  If I was getting some on the side I could not help but be a bit stand-off-ish just due to internalized shame.

I really want to confront him about it but I don't think it's a good idea.  We go on vacation in two weeks.  Don't know what to do.  I'm 65, isolated in a foreign country with no support.  If I was younger I'd be out of here in a minute but hard after 26 years and only maybe 10-15 years ahead of me.  And deep down I love him, but if I leave I surrender my values.

Sorry for my long, rambling post.  I do t know what I'm going to do.

[square]

That does sound like a hard situation.

To be clear, what are the barriers to returning to your home country?

I would say that there is not any real benefit to further sleuthing or confrontations. He is cheating on you. And he's okay with that. You aren't going to be able to change his behavior.

You mentioned previous physical violence, and that's not a healthy situation to be in whether it was mutual or just one or the other of you.

And you know that you are at risk for STIs due to multiple partners being involved. Hopefully you are getting regular checks to stay safe.

So tell us what your thoughts are on your obstacles for leaving, both practical and emotional.

[sunshine702]

I feel for you / you love him.  I loved my partner of 9 years too.  What we have to wrap our heads around is despite the time.... They might not love US.  Cheating so callously kind of proves it.  That this personality disordered person might not have the ABILTY to love just transact...

Also know that a COMMON tactic of abusers is to trap the victim in a foreign country with language and culture barriers.  It's about power and control and cutting off any supports for you

Consider an exit plan.  Stash money research cheap tickets home sell items for money.  You can stay or go.  I will not tell you what to do.  You will know.  Bu start some research in getting un trapped.