New member, hoping to gain insight into living with BPD partner

[GiaMarie3]

Hi,

I'm new to the forum and really just interested to learn and gain others' insight.   

I've been married for a few years to a man who I am starting to realize most likely has Borderline Personality Disorder, though he is not officially diagnosed.
Its a bit lonely realizing this, staring down decades of being married to someone I love dearly, but who doesn't seem to be able to experience or return love in the way I had hoped and prayed to be able to share/receive love in a marriage.
At times, it feels a bit of a mourning process  for the healthy marriage I thought I would have, compared to the roller coaster experience I seem to be on.

I love my husband dearly, and do not plan to leave; we do not have children and likely will not be able to.
but I'm emotionally exhausted and overwhelmed in my new marriage. 
I am just honestly feeling helpless when outbursts/rage episodes happen and when his moods are simply unpredictable.
I'm angry and upset that although my husband's behavior patterns had apparently been going on since early adolescence, no one in his family thought to pull me aside before we got married and mention a word...NOT a word.

Thankfully, I finally took myself to counseling; my husband has thus far refused to go.

Counseling has been insightful, and I guess I'm embarrassed to say, that I had to have a professional point the pattern of my husband's behavior that was a problem, but not necessarily MY problem.  My Licensed counselor has really helped me understand that I do NOT cause my husband's behavior, I cannot control it, and that I ultimately must set boundaries, stick to them, and continue to practice self care. My counselor helped me to understand that although people with BPD do not necessarily have malicious intent or intend to be verbally/emotionally abusive per say, their behaviors can be very hurtful and they should still be accountable for their words and actions.

Some things I have taken note of over the past 2 years:
-- Husband ultimately confided in me (about 1 year into our marriage) a history of emotional and physical abuse trauma in his childhood
-- unpredictable mood swings, "I love you so much" to "Why are you married to me, you probably don't even love me" within hours of each other
-- angry outbursts. he has not physically harmed me but has thrown household things, slammed doors, and driven recklessly during outbursts
-- a history of tumultuous family relationships (one sister went no contact with him for over 2 years due to his outbursts at family holidays)
-- frequent yelling episodes where he can say terribly mean things about himself "I'm un loveable, everyone hates me, my life is worthless" or me
-- very quick ability to "forget the past" and within hours of a major emotional meltdown, turn around and act like nothing happened
-- my husband (holds a successful job, has friendships with others) often says he feels "unworthy of love, worthless, unhappy", described as a sense of emptiness. it does not seem to matter when i remind my husband of his many gifts, those who love him dearly, he cannot be convinced he is worthy of love
-- frequently expresses fear of being alone or abandoned
-- quick to be jealous of my time spent with others, even outings with same sex friends or work related meetups same sex co workers
-- when feeling overwhelmed/enraged he often says "I just wish this would go away" or "I wish i wasn't alive" which terrifies me, but after the incident he admits he has no intent of harming himself (no prior attempts either), he just describes "feeling overwhelmed and want the feeling to stop"
-- after an enraged outburst/"episode" as I call it, his memory of the reality of what happened and his words or actions does NOT always hold true

Thanks for reading!

I'd love to hear feedback on how others found success setting boundaries with a BPD loved one

I'm interested in how others in romantic relationships with BPD persons who chose to stay learn to cope and manage their own mental health through the process.

[bloomie]

Hi and welcome to Out of the FOG! Thank you for sharing what brings you to the forum and some of the more specific traits you are encountering in your new marriage. How disheartening to find yourself in such topsy turvy interactions.

You have found a community of fellow travelers who get the confusion, isolation and self doubt that can come from the push-pull.

Living with a spouse with this kind of dysregulation requires one to become highly skilled in establish boundaries with consequences and following through. Every single time. And yes, it can be exhausting. I am sorry you are faced with this reality.

A great jumping in place is the toolbox at the drop down menus above. There are other online resources and book recommendations here as well that can be of great help as you develop a toolset of your own for coping with all of this.

You have already done a great service to yourself by finding a neutral third party to support you and gain insights from. I have found that it takes a good Therapist, books, videos from experts, and spending time within this community to get firm ground under your feet while living with someone who has many BPD traits.

Keep coming back! I look forward to supporting you!

[mary_poppins]

Hi and welcome to this forum. I am sorry your husband has a personality disorder (diagnosed or not). He sounds like it's either BPD or NPD. Does he have control and manipulative tendencies?

Anyway, as per your question. I was in one relationship with a man who had covert NPD but was on the milder side. It was not possible for me to have boundaries or be with him longer than I was. (it was long ago and I was not as healed as I am now)

Setting boundaries with a PD person is hard if you're not used to. It takes all your energy. Tried to do it with my PD mother and was made to feel like the worst person in the world for distancing myself from her or wanting to care for myself.

The only method that ever worked with my mother and my ex PD boyfriend was no contact. I'm in low contact with mom now and NC with my ex.

Have you ever mentioned therapy to your husband? I can see therapy working with someone with BPD. I know that there are some therapies for BPD that are effecient but I forgot their names.