has anyone else here 'quiet quit; their non PD parent????

[xredshoesx]

hey everyone,

switching off my modmin hat to share something I am sitting with right now.  here's some backstory for context.  my uPD mother left my dad for good when I was 7.  he was supposed to have partial custody but she left the state and he did not pursue legal action, which makes me basically a victim of parental kidnapping before it was a thing I guess.

from the time this happened until I was 21 I had contact with my dad twice, once in a supervised visit when I was 9 and one phone call right before I went in the system (where he told me he was signing off on his rights) when I was 15.

in that time my dad married someone else, had kids and suffered a devastating loss of the home I grew up in a fire where one of my half sisters died.  my mother was a person of interest and it was one of the driving factors in her almost losing her parental rights but they were never able to prove it was her. 

so anyways she got me back right before I turned 17 and put me out not too longer after I was 18 and the back child support checks stopped.   I went to the state where my dad lives with a bunch of kids I was squatting with and somehow ran into my cousin and had a conversation with his mom.  a few years went by and i'm 21, my dad's dad died and he called me to invite me to the funeral in the state in which I live.   that led to me driving out to his state over that summer and meeting my stepmom and two younger sisters.  we stayed in contact but as I got older, it was more between me and my stepmom and now that time has passed and we're all older, it's become more and more one-sided where I feel like if I never saw my dad alive again i'd be ok with it.

I think part of this is me finally coming to terms with the anger i've had all my life about my dad not fighting for me.  part of it also stems from him being a raging alcoholic where when he does want to talk about stuff, he;s incoherent so that's super frustrating because he's not the kind of dude to sit and talk feelings.

anyways all this came on bc my DH and I had set up a vacation somewhere else, had to cancel that plan bc of a family emergency, and then my DH suggested we go see my dad (they've never met my husband, the last time I visited was about 17 years ago).  I thought about it for a few weeks, had mentioned it to one of my sisters who had emailed me looking for documents from my dad's mom to get  dual citizenship in Europe, and then booked us a trip to a part of our state I'm in love with vs driving or flying cross country to see my family.

DH gets it bc he's NC fully with his own father.  I just can't put any more energy and $$$ into a one sided trip which may bring more hurt for me if that makes any sense.  at best we'd hang with my dad for the golden hours before 2pm as after than he becomes so intoxicated he makes zero sense.  my stepmom will fill the rest of the time and we'll drive into the city to see my sister who lives close and everyone will get along but it seems like too much effort on our behalf to make all that happen. I feel like that now that I am almost 53 that ship has sailed and don't want to put more time into something that has always been a distanced relationship at best.

not sure if I need validation or just needed to vent but if any of all y'all have experienced something similar how did you handle it?   are you quiet quitting that other parent like I am? 

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi xredshoesx,

Something I have in common with you on this front is that my dad never made an effort - and so it really was me, having to keep things going. But as you said, we get to an age where it feels odd to keep this up, with a parent who isn't doing their part with the relationship.

After I 'quiet quit' with him, years later I realized oh wait, he never did anything real, to keep the relationship going with me. All the things that a parent (or any person) might do to stay in touch, he didn't do those things. He just sat at home, drinking, zoned out, and for years I would try to make something out of this apparent 'job' I had to be his child. What an odd life it was. So I eventually ended up asking myself - who quit whom first?? He had quiet quit me - and I have my opinion - that he never really took the job in the first place. Aside from one or two photos of us together when I am very small, he doesn't seem to be in my life when I look back on it.

I just came to the conclusion that some people are never meant to be parents, and he's one of those people. Sure they can create a baby, but they can't parent, and so they kinda quiet quit first. 53 years is a long time to wait for a parent to wake up and take an interest in our lives right?

Trees

[Invisiblewoman]

I have quiet quitted certain family for their enabling and unsupportive behaviour when I experienced abuse.

I can remember my superintendent getting drunk and behaving verbally aggressive and my uncle blaming for trying to be of medium chill. I think I said, "peace out" to my super after he said some awful things to me.

It was just how it was automatically my fault. They essentially told me I am to blame for the abuse and incited the incident by saying "peace out."

I don't allow people in my life to treat me badly and if those people include family, so be it.

[xredshoesx]

I also don't think the burden belonged to my stepmom (who is awesome) to carry the torch and make all the efforts easier.  sometimes it's ok to let the past stay in the past.  I think that's the lesson here. 

[Poison Ivy]

I am quiet quitting a sibling. At this point, I don't refuse to be in the same room with him but I don't go out of my way to see him and I ignore many of his messages to our sibling group on Facebook. The main reason is that he said and did some cruddy things in the past few years having to do with our mom and our sister; he has conveyed that his wife thinks he should never visit our mom, whose primary caregiver was our sister until late last year (mom now resides in an assisted-living facility). I've accepted that bro and sister-in-law are who they are, but I find it too emotionally taxing to spend time with them, so I avoid them.

[escapingman]

I have done this to my entire FOO, I realised that it was always me doing all the effort. I have gone through the worst years of my life divorcing uNPDxw, fighting for custody and not seeing my daughter for well over a year. What did they do to help? Nothing. They didn't even ask about me and how I was getting on or how I felt, no one came to see me or offered any help during this period. But I used to get the random messages about how the local sports team was doing and how my dad and sister was at the games, when I stopped replying to that all communication stopped from their side. I am pretty sure my dad is a non PD, but his partner sure is and there is something fishy with both my mum and sister. All in all the whole FOO is so dysfunctional and just because I am no longer playing their games I have been scapegoated together with DD. Things didn't get any better with me not attending my mums big birthday and I now also declined going to my dads, me and DD are genuinely busy but that won't stop them all gossiping about how horrible EM is to not attend these events. No reflection on their own behaviour though.

So all in xredshoesx, you have no obligation to try to keep a relationship only you try to keep going. You come first, second and third and your emotional wellbeing is paramount.   

[Call Me Cordelia]

Yes, I "quiet quit" everyone besides the parental units in my FOO and my IL family. There was zero effort made with me after NC with them except as flying monkeys. I too dropped the rope I had been carrying alone.

That's a really sad story about your life, redshoes. Yes, I agree with you that it's time to take care of you and accept the limitations of the people who failed you. Your dad quit when you were young and told you so. That's terrible but why keep going back to that source of pain?

[SonofThunder]

sometimes it's ok to let the past stay in the past.  I think that's the lesson here. 

+1

In my own experiences, there became enough of the past in the box that instead of just re-taping, I put it in a more permanent labeled case with a lock, which requires more effort to open. 

Now that extra effort reminds me of why that past is housed with a lock and I find myself just returning the key to the hook without opening. 

Well done xred,

SoT

[xredshoesx]

thank you so much everyone.  this means so much to me to have the feedback.  with my mother there was no question on shutting the door and leaving it alone, but with my dad I think part of me has always held out hope something would change. 

[SonofThunder]

thank you so much everyone.  this means so much to me to have the feedback.  with my mother there was no question on shutting the door and leaving it alone, but with my dad I think part of me has always held out hope something would change. 

Xred, im sorry your hopes did not turn out as you desired. 

SoT