UnBPD Elderly Mom Injured

[j.banquo]

I live with my 82yo mother, who has undiagnosed BPD. I'm 41, and am living here because I was disabled by Bipolar Depression in 2014. There's plenty of backstory, and I have plans to get out when it becomes clear I can work again.

Recently her leg has started paining her a great deal, and it has amplified her bad behavior. I went away for six days and she is now very clingy, complains about my sister who is (in reality) cold and mean to her, and I have to tell her of course I'm not to be put in the middle of it. Wants me to cook all her food exactly how she likes it, every day. Didnt like it when I told her I wouldn't be around two nights this week, then claimed what she didn't like was my tone in telling her. Is constantly afraid of being abandoned and left behind or that I'm mad at her, and treats me as if I were abandoning her or mad at her. Etc., the usual BPD stuff.

I feel for her in many ways, like the way my sister treats her really isn't good, she is in severe pain all the time, I feel for the abandonment issues. I try to comfort her, and treat her somewhat like a child, telling her I'm not going to leave her alone, that she can talk to me any time she wants, giving her general relationship and communication advice without getting between her and my sister (they just both get to complain about the other to me and I go "hmm... huh... wow..
that sounds difficult...").

I'm coming off an absurd three year long mental illness ordeal, and have been carefully reintroducing tasks into my life like cooking food and doing laundry, it was that bad.

So of course it's wildly inappropriate for me to parent her, and it's potentially dangerous for me to take on this much caretaking stuff, but is it safest? It seems to keep the peace best to be her parent, and if I put up any boundaries I'd be sure to hear about it, and I have to live here for now and don't want her constantly upset with me.

Thoughts? Ideas on coping?

[bloomie]

j.banquo - you describe a complicated co-living situation with your mom. You are healing and moving forward despite how challenging your mother's genuine needs and perceived needs must be. 

Is there some space to think through what your priorities are in setting limits with your mom and sister? And then build boundaries around those priorities?

The push back you are getting for gaining strength and developing your own separate life has to be hard, but worth it. Keep going!

Your mother's pain sounds awful and I am wondering what medical remedy there would be for that?

If your mother has cognitive decline, as a caregiver, it can be very tempting to 'parent' someone. It is important to remember that the very best thing for your mother is to do as much as she can for herself for as long as she can. Even if something is a struggle or hard. If she can do it herself it is in her best interest to do so. Even if she resists.

If your mother does not have cognitive decline then the behaviors you describe are possibly emotionally manipulative and meant to keep herself as THE priority in your life. The toolbox above has good insights in how to handle these kinds of behaviors either way.

In terms of the ongoing issues between your sister and mother, is it time to stop the complaining to you entirely by simply saying: "I am not involved. Talk to each other about it."

Your love and compassion for your mom are evident and she is very blessed to have you in her life. My hope is that you are showing equal love and compassion for yourself as you continue to pursue your own healing!

[TimetoHeal]

Hi, there!

That really is a difficult situation to be in, and it sounds like you are handling it the best you can.  I applaud you for that!  Mental illness is really tough.  I have suffered from anxiety and depression my whole life, some times worse than others, so I get it.  I just wanted to give you encouragement that you are already doing a lot, even what would be considered a job in caretaking your mother, even though you are not getting paid for it.  I just wanted to point that out because, I know in my case, I stayed in an abusive situation for longer than I should have because I was afraid I could never work again following physical and mental health challenges.  I realized that I actually HAD been working a full-time plus job in being a stay at home mother to 2 young children and "caretaking" an emotionalyl immature and abusive husband.  Yes, working "on the clock" is very stressful and difficult sometimes, but it beats what I was doing before.  So hang in there!  Don't jump ship too quick.  Have your ducks in a row.  But be encouraged that working toward your independence and living apart from your mother's abuse IS possible, and certainly the best long-term solution.  Hugs!