Leaving the home of an injured elderly uBPD parent

[j.banquo]

My mother needs a lot of care right now, and I've been doing it. She demands much more than she needs, of course.

Sparing the details, I cannot take it anymore. And I shouldn't. I have a mental illness, and while it's fine right now, my mental health is not fine, and I've come to terms with the fact that poor mental health really could trigger something.

She'll be needing rides to lots of doctors' appointments in September, she's having surgery in October, and a long rehab. She's going to have to find someone else.

Any advice on the most diplomatic but also the safest way to bring this up with her? She can't physically harm me, but she could do a ton of emotional harm. The other day she was shrieking, just briefly, and it left me shaking.

[bloomie]

j.banquo - caring for an elderly parent is a huge strain under the best of circumstances, but with the abusive behaviors and over the top demands - has to be so draining. I am thankful you have reached a point where you are willing to put your health and wellbeing first.

Is your mother capable of managing these things herself? If so, would it be most kind to simply let her know you will not be able to do these things going forward and she will need to schedule rides, etc. No excuses, no justifying why, just that you are not able to do this going forward.

The thing is... it is love for each of us to do as much as we can for ourselves for as long as we can. That applies to the entire life cycle and includes our elderly family members.

Often, it is seen as almost heroic when an elderly, but still capable person, does things independently, when in fact isn't that their responsibility to maintain and do? I think it is. What you are wanting for your mother is actually the best possible thing... for her to be independent as much as possible.

Here is a thread that includes some international resources that may be helpful for you: https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=68854.0

Sending you strength and an imaginary kevlar vest to strap on over your heart as you let your mom know things are going to change. Let us know how it goes!

[SonofThunder]

Hi j.banquo,

You wrote:

1. "I cannot take it anymore. And I shouldn't."

That is an excellent foundational statement to support self-protective boundary decisions for yourself.  That statement has zero to do with your mother or your mother's health and 100% to do with you. 

You also wrote:

2. "She's going to have to find someone else."

Imo, although #1 was a good foundation, the proper boundary wording breaks down in #2.  We can only control ourselves, not the actions or reactions of another.

*To assist your decision-making for yourself, I read in your post that your mother's health related concerns at this time are more physical than mental degradation. She may have always been a PD, but thats a separate matter than her aging physical degradation. 

You then wrote:

3. "Any advice on the most diplomatic but also the safest way to bring this up with her?"

This is also unsupportive of #1.  Decisions for yourself do not need to be discussed with another. Just as you should not attempt to control the actions or reactions of another, proper boundaries protect those same things from happening to us by another. 

A suggested wording of 1-3.

1. Perfect as is.

2. "I will not be her caretaker any longer."

3. "Since her mind is not disabled, yet she has physical degradation, what is the A: best way for me to immediately transition out of the caretaker role but B: recognize that her physical conditions may warrant a different caretaker to assist her in those physical needs?" 

That 1-3 above decision-making is with yourself only.  Once you have designed a solid #3 (A & B) game-plan, then convey your strong (stand firm) decision for yourself to step-away plus communicate (which is your care) your B ideas to possibly assist her in deciding decide B for herself. You do not ask her for feedback, as you are simply conveying your A for yourself and a caring comment that B is recognized.  Also, a clear timeline (designed in advance of your communication) is imo good for the plan. For example, if it realistically takes two weeks to implement a home-health nurse, then two weeks is the timeline when you will be replaced. 

Her action and/or reaction to your A+B decisions for yourself are not in your plan and are no barrier to your plan.  Any verbal reactions by her are simply steam that dissipates into the air. 

A couple questions:

If this were not your mother, but the older neighbor lady next door, would your 1-3 above be a much easier, businesslike decision? 

If yes, then consider that 'mother' is just a title. She birthed you so she is a mother, but if she has been abusive to you, that is not motherly; not 'mom'.  The neighbor lady may also have earned the title of 'mother' by birthing a child, but she is not 'mom' to you.  If yours is just 'mother' to you, then just treat her with the same human respect that you would the neighbor, as you carry out the self-respect and self-care boundary of your 1-3. 

Lastly, do you utilize any assets that she owns, such as:

- live in her home
- drive her car
- eat her food
- other?

If yes, these and others are rightly in her own boundary decision-making for herself, so make certain you are eliminating those connections between you where she can assert her own decisions that affect you. 

All the best as you move forward in self-care,

SoT

[LemonLime]

 

[Rebel13]

You've already gotten great advice! I would only add that, if you've removed yourself from her life as SoT has pointed out, if you aren't dependent on her or her resources anymore, there is no reason that your decision has to be communicated in person. You can write a letter, send a text, ask someone else to convey the information for you. This strategy is often recommended to people who are leaving abusive, dangerous spouses, and there's no reason anyone should subject themselves to abuse if they don't have to. So get yourself out, figure out how to communicate the bare minimum necessary information to your mom, and then shift your focus to taking care of yourself and managing your own life.

Wishing you the best of luck!

[j.banquo]

Thanks to everyone for the excellent advice so far!

More details:

There is so, so much to the story between us, but most recently, I moved into her home in October, to be close to resources to recover from a brutally disabling depression. Immediately, she was saying things like it wouldn't be forever, that "lots of people" wouldn't approve of my living there, she called me violent for crumpling up paper (that scared me), and by some miracle I did start to recover. Now that she is injured of course she feels entitled to me "forever," and is a nightmare of micromanagement, insults, accusations, instant demands, emotional abuse.

There are pleasant aspects to our relationship, and she DID help me tremendously with some, financially (loans) and logistical stuff when I was so sick with depression. Yet it was too little too late, also.

So anyway, I don't want to torch the relationship for whatever reason (I'm aware that objectively I should given the past three-ish years).

I'm living in my childhood bedroom rent-free, and I buy food with her money and cook for her at least twice a day, in addition to caring for her dog, cleaning, the plants, whatever little thing she wants, driving her to appointments. It's quite a lot, honestly it's a full-time job and the bright side is I've learned I could be a stay at home dad through all this.

So, I've started looking for apartments and jobs, and in the next couple days I'm going to talk to her. That's the plan. I guess I have to be prepared for shrieking and wild accusations and "after everything I've done for you" and so on. And knowing her, she also might not do that. She DID shriek at me the last time I said no to a demand to do something that instant

So, that is more context.