Our dog

sunshine702 · May 15, 2024, 07:42:47 PM

So I am really struggling with the "how much can they control it" question today. The reason I left were 2 big abusive outbursts over nothing. It's completely destabilizing and I do not want to live like this for a shell of the relationship left these days. Polite dinners and supportive texts. My emotional needs wants and feeling a full partner was not happening so off the bus.

Unlike Narcs though (they don't care). BPD do care. Maybe too much and flood and paint you black and rage. It is easy to feel some empathy - hurt person hurting person stuff. I still need radical acceptance that this is a serious mental health condition that is not getting better and is scarring me.

He refuses to acknowledge the rages which had me worried about our but technically his dog left behind. What if she is abused next? I would have never thought that two months ago but now I am. I emailed him begging to take her. I have a dog friendly apt. He will not let me and was appalled I would worry about her. How could I think that?

Fellow FOGers - is this an unreasonable worry? Is he being manipulative of my love of her (punishment). Or am I being too dramatic? Unlike Narcs he does have empathy and cares about her but his blind rages are really fast and hot and over nothing it seems! When Difficult goes to violence

sunshine702 · May 15, 2024, 08:24:55 PM

But to be fair he seems to rage at PARTNERS who he sees as attacking him verbally. I don't see the dog doing that....

This is all so hard.

sunshine702 · May 15, 2024, 08:42:02 PM

This also comes after a raised fist to my dog a month before dying. He peed in the RV. It did not come down but it is swerved in my brain.

Sector · May 16, 2024, 06:05:55 AM

That's a tough one. I totally get the concern. It seems that having his dog could be quite a comfort and stabilizing companion for him, plus if it was originally his dog, it's hard to see any way you will get him to give her up. So it may be more helpful to think more about why you're worried and how at risk she really is. I agree it's super unlikely the dog would do anything to make him feel attacked right? And he's never hinted at threatening this dog? I almost wonder if the threatening of your dog was threatening an extension of you with you standing right there to see it? I think if there was evidence of abuse or threat of this dog it would be one thing. But I bet his own dog will be safe especially if you aren't present. And if he would never take things out on the dog, it makes sense he would feel attacked by the suggestion right? Does this all make sense given the situation? I think your concern is completely understandable. I don't think you're being dramatic—you love the dog. But I also wouldn't assume he's being manipulative assuming he loves his dog?

sunshine702 · May 16, 2024, 11:41:07 AM

Thanks Sector yeah you pretty much nailed it. Yeah it is his dog but she love me too. I am going to get a new puppy that I have been waiting nearly 4 years for!!!! When the next litter is born. Yeah my dog peed in his (((MOM's))) RV that last month when he was dying. I ran and covered him with my body. And now I can't unsee that. That's why the threats of violence I think (((mom))) but Stel has peed too with no threats so yeah I think she will be ok.

Can I be 100 percent honest. My psychic said btw he doesn't really want the dog he just doesn't want YOU to have her.

That sort of stuck with me. But it's a psychic so who knows. I just wonder How much he is also trying to punish me in all this to please mommy. I know my own heart. I really love her. He may be pretending to. Mom secretly hates animals as most Narcs do.

But it will be a massive can of worms trying to get her so I said my teary goodbyes before I moved.

Sector · May 16, 2024, 03:57:42 PM

Yeah I completely understand. Of course you love her and no I couldn't unsee that either. It's a terrible image to have to carry with you. You definitely have some evidence he wouldn't go after her for the same thing your dog did so that's good. I really don't think there is any legitimate path to getting her back. Why did he have the dog in The first place? Presumably he got her on his own? And maybe he really does care for her? I think the most valid point is the more you ask after her the more there is some risk he would do something to spite you but...even that I think is pretty unlikely. Would he be more likely to protect her to prove you wrong? Can we hope that's the case?🙏 I feel like the data points saying he would harm the dog are maybe not the most reliable (sorry to the psychic but I had to say it 😄) and still... even if he doesn't love the dog it doesn't mean he would intentionally harm her. Just keep an eye out for her on your local animal control site. That way if she runs away or he gives her up you would have the chance to adopt!

blunk · May 21, 2024, 09:43:47 AM

Quote from: sunshine702 on May 16, 2024, 11:41:07 AMhe doesn't really want the dog he just doesn't want YOU to have her.

That right there! I went through this exact scenario with my bpdxh. He was the one who moved out, and he couldn't take his dog to the new apartment. So, I offered to keep her until he got into a house. He outright told me that he would rather send her to rescue...so that me and whoever I end up with couldn't have her. I was so hurt, and couldn't believe that he would rather she be with strangers. I suggested he bring this up with his therapist. She told him that his behavior was the equivalent of an adult temper tantrum...and asked if he laid on the floor flailing his arms and legs too. It's still hard to believe that he told me the truth rather than saying she sided with him.

I was ready though, and had a family member ready to adopt her for me if it ever came to it. But it didn't. Once he got a house, he decided he would rather have a new dog and left her with me. I did eventually talk to my friend who runs the rescue, it turns out he never even contacted them. He just wanted to hurt me...again.

sunshine702 · May 22, 2024, 11:08:03 AM

I guess because TRUST and HONEST negotiations are at a low. It's tough to know which way to go I have a route to fight for her if ai want to go that routes. I appreciate you all and your experiences and support

sunshine702 · May 25, 2024, 06:32:39 PM

What is a good way to ask? Some tips where they can maintain POWER and CONTROL Those are what it's about right.

Off loading her vet bills to me? You have the busier more important job I could free up some time for you. Wouldn't you rather get a Fancy Breed I will take nothing special S.

Maybe let things cool down THEN ask when is boring and less of a weapon?