Ex might be mimicking my identity...in our new shared community

[Wilderhearts]

I met this uBPD/NPD woman about four years ago, and we became good friends, doing all our mountain sports together for three years. I fell in love with the facade she was presenting to me (she was just mirroring me) and we dated for about 6 months. During this time, the "big reveal" happened and I experienced all sorts of toxicity/emotional abuse in response to imagined abandonment - it was intensely traumatic. Note that her sister is diagnosed BPD.

The mirroring stepped up as soon as we started dating (we're both women). I had multiple moments of surprise when I looked at her and saw myself. She was adopting my aesthetic. Early in the friendship, she'd become obsessed with things I'd introduce her to, to the point they were more "hers" than "mine." We started sharing all my hobbies.

She had conditioned me to "give her the benefit of the doubt" saying people often "misinterpreted her," so I always found other explanations for the mimicry, such as I just didn't realize we already had this in common.

The mirroring intensified as our relationship failed - she decided to get similar piercings to me, and get a similar themed tattoo at my tattoo shop, just two weeks after she said she didn't want more tattoos. That's when it clicked and the warning in my gut finally got so loud I couldn't ignore it.

We broke up, but are in different streams of the same program. We had a big meeting...she came dressed just like me. She's adopted what's been my uniform of 10 years, which is a totally different colour palette and style than what she wore when I met her. She even bought boots similar to mine. My style isn't uncommon here, but not that common - she and I were the only ones in a group of 40+ dressed this way.

All of these things can be explained away by saying I'm not that special and this is who she truly is, but my spidey senses are just blowing up.

I had to sit 10 feet from her for 6 hours, and I also overheard her referencing pop culture that I introduced her to, that I have a deep childhood relationship with.

I'm really freaked out. I don't know if I'm reading into it, or going crazy, or being petty. I don't know why this is such a big deal to me - I can't logically explain it, or why it feels threatening.

What I'm most concerned about is people noticing it...but assuming that I'm the copy-cat. I think if anyone looks deeper they'll see who the knock-off is though. I just don't feel...uniquely myself? It's gross. So gross. It makes me feel like I have to compete at being me to prove myself, because I don't want people in this new community I'm trying to bond with to think I'm the gross copy-cat 

[j.banquo]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. You're not crazy, it is creepy AF. Mirroring is a thing, and the effect is to make a person feel diminished, encroached upon, and scared. In ways that are hard to explain or understand, that's normal.

My thought is people will think "huh, these two share a similar aesthetic," and leave it there. No one is wondering who is the most genuine you.

I think that she has created these feelings in you to try to diminish you, and it's hard, but you don't have to play that game.

[Wilderhearts]

Wow, that is so true. "I can't make myself special, but I can make you not special." I don't think she has any awareness whatsoever - I've read pwBPD's confessions on how they SWF'd someone, and had zero awareness until called out.

But I find that pwPD's behaviour serves the exact desire they have without them having to be consciously aware of it.

That really helped make sense of why it feels so threatening. And thank you for the validation.

I was going about my business generally avoiding her, but not allowing myself to be scared away from participating. It is exhausting asking myself "now, what would I do if she weren't here?" because after all the trauma, I'm so inclined to fight/flee.

I don't know if this is something I can ignore, or if I need to let the organizers know this is a problem. It's a women's community that prioritizes psychological safety, ironically. I don't know how proactive to be, or how avoidant/dismissive of the issue. I don't want to seem like I'm the drama or making mountains out of molehills, or trying to smear her, but I don't want to be isolated by her behaviour.

[Catothecat]

This is a tough one, Wilder.  Sometimes in situations like this it can seem like, damned if you do and damned if you don't.

I agree that she probably isn't doing it at a conscious level, but I suspect she's still somehow able to gauge your reactions to it.  She's "doing something" that fits her needs of the moment, watches what happens, and that's as far as she gets with it.  Genuine self-reflection doesn't seem to be something that PDs engage in.

From my experience with PDs, they seldom (if ever) do anything voluntarily that doesn't serve their purpose in some way. Consciously or subconsciously, the action is still the action. What she's trying to accomplish with her behavior isn't something any of us can answer.  Only she can, and she probably doesn't really know.  Essentially, you're reacting to an unknown. 

My suggestion is to do what YOU feel comfortable doing.  Don't allow her to control your life, but don't force yourself to behave in a way you're not really on board with.  That said, how I would react is to ignore her and allow others to draw their own conclusions.  You might be surprised at how many people are aware of her behavior but keep their opinions to themselves.  Many probably see what's going on but assume that's between the two of you.  But, if you're not comfortable doing something like that, or don't see how it will help, maybe sit back for awhile and observe the situation and see if a solution presents itself.  Or perhaps, with time, she'll get tired of playing a game that has no payoff and move on. 

The thing is, without your input into her behavior, what does she do next?  She can copy your appearance, but if you don't interact with her, that's as far as she can go.  Anyone can take something like that from anyone else, but only you can provide her with something more and you've withdrawn that.  Her future as a mini-me is limited.  Right now it might seem like she'll plague your life forever, but that's not the case.  In my experience, going MC or gray rocking with a PD actually works.  Since they have an emptiness inside they need interactions with others to fill, they eventually seek out another source. 

[Rebel13]

Bingo! As soon as she finds another mark, she'll probably re-reinvent herself as some version of that person, and you'll be forgotten.

If your women's community is anything like the ones I've spent time in, I would NOT broach the subject. Too many of those groups believe in the Geek Social Fallacies and punish the person who names the problem rather than the person who is causing it. I would take Cat's advice -- be yourself, ignore her, and wait her out. If she starts acting stalkerish, trying to get you back or otherwise harm you, that might be a different story, but if she seems to be ignoring you aside from copying your style, the situation is probably self limiting.

[xredshoesx]

wilder hearts I am so sorry you are experiencing this

my real mother did this when I was teen and I was mortified when she tried to mirror my interests.  to put it in context, the mom I used to have liked Barry manilow all of the sudden liked slayer and started doing drugs IN FRONT OF ME...

I agree with not calling any more attention to your ex's behaviors and I hope nobody else notices the similarities so they try to be all oh I noticed so and so does this blah blah blah you all ought to be friends.....

[Wilderhearts]

I agree that she probably isn't doing it at a conscious level, but I suspect she's still somehow able to gauge your reactions to it.  She's "doing something" that fits her needs of the moment, watches what happens, and that's as far as she gets with it.

She is highly, highly attuned to my subtle reactions. I have a lot of theories about the needs it's serving, but that's a moot point. It is 100% a double-bind, lose-lose situation, just like most PD'd crazy-making behaviours create.

but only you can provide her with something more and you've withdrawn that. 

...she's got four years of data on me. The thing I'm noticing is though...she can only fake a shadow of me in a lot of ways. It's shallow - what she projects doesn't run deep. There's no way she can do me - take all the superficial shit you want. I had such good interactions at the meet and I could hear her trying to force fun and connections and...ick.

Don't allow her to control your life, but don't force yourself to behave in a way you're not really on board with.

Yeah, I think I need to be out of hearing range and sight lines next time. I thought of moving my group, which woulda been initially awkward, but saved a lot of stress. Now I know. That's good advice - am I 100% comfortable.

Bingo! As soon as she finds another mark, she'll probably re-reinvent herself as some version of that person, and you'll be forgotten.

What hadn't occurred to me is that she could already be mimicking someone else. That gives me...odd relief.

Too many of those groups believe in the Geek Social Fallacies and punish the person who names the problem rather than the person who is causing it.

Ugh, that really is an environment PDs can thrive in. I haven't seen how any leads actual respond to situations - I'd want to know that before seeking any support. My ex parrots the talk perfectly but...zero walk.

Caution, so much caution.

Redshoes, I'm sorry. That is a different level of reverse-parent-child relationship, cosplaying as your child. I am reeling from this experience years after being disillusioned about PD'd behaviour. I'm sorry you know this behaviour waaaay too well, but thanks for letting me know I'm  not alone.

[NarcKiddo]

This happened to someone I know. The pair become close friends (there was no romantic relationship as both had opposite sex partners) but the two would spend a lot of time together and go on holidays etc. Then the other girl even moved to the same street and started copying more and more obviously. The girl I know became very uncomfortable, too, but found it difficult to say anything about the copying without feeling she would sound weird. In the end she cooled the relationship considerably and moved away. They are still in touch and have mutual friends. I'm not sure if the copying has stopped but there is much less opportunity for the other girl to see in advance what to copy. It's a really weird dynamic and I would hate it.