Shame and fitness

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I'd posted here in the past about how my H used to make fun of me for engaging in any type of fitness activity, no matter how minor. I found the whole thing very confusing, both him making such comments and also me being so affected by it. I think I figured out the latter.

I was visiting my mom, and one day we were putting some groceries away. I had a few items to put in the fridge, but she was putting something in the fridge herself so I was waiting for her to be done.

I've cultivated a habit in my own kitchen of doing little things like bodyweight squats or lunges or stretches or whatever when I'm waiting for water to boil or veggies to sautee and such. Does it look stupid? You bet, but I'm always alone, and I'd rather do stupid stuff like that and not struggle to get out of my chair when I'm 70 like I watched my parents do.

Well, I'm not thinking at all and I unconsciously do about 15% of a lunge while waiting for my mom. Just sorta bent a knee a tiny bit, and not thinking about anything.

My mom shuts the fridge door and stares at me and starts making fun of me. She demanded to know wHaT I was dOiNg??

I blew it off and just said I was waiting to get in the fridge. I felt anxious but was not yet aware of what was happening.

But she wouldn't move. She wanted me to answer her. And so the light came on in my head. My mother was standing there actively shaming me for bending my freaking knee a little.

I had no clue whatsoever before this moment, but I suddenly realized my mom had been using shame my whole life to restrict my physical activity. And I also realized that she would only make mild comments when I used my upper body but would shame hard for using my lower body, specifically for bending my knees (squats, lunges, kneeling, running).

How weird is that?

I believe it had a real impact on my life and I'm really annoyed about it. Probably I got softer treatment for upper body stuff because she relied on me to carry groceries and other stuff since I was little.

Man, I'd be 10 years old and she'd be frantically picking out the lightest bag to take in. She'd look at me and say "oof" or something while I had the gallon of milk and the heavy bag of cans and all the other bags. Never a thank you or pride I could lug that stuff, just a vague shame.

I suspect my husband hit this shame spot by accident once, but when he saw the shame reaction he stored it away to use. He would sneer that I was Iron Woman, which would hit me with shame from two sides that I did not understand: shame for having or wanting any fitness at all, plus shame for not having it. Calling me Iron Woman when I tried jogging a really lame distance (I'm no jogger/runner) felt bad because I really was lame, but then I'd get whammed on the other side for wanting to work on it. I doubt he has any idea why it made me feel so bad, but he could surely see it did, as I'd get defensive.

I can't guess the source of my mom's shame. But I know it's about her shame she is trying to project onto me. She's a non but we nons can still be hurtful.

I've been working hard to install my own values on fitness. I want to be healthy and strong and to use my body. And that's an okay and even admirable want to have. I'm in a weird place of being fitter than people who don't exercise but nowhere near as fit as actually fit people are. So I have to fight those feelings of being lame but pushing on.

As for my husband, I'm guessing he does not want me to be fit because he has lost his own fitness. He used to be reasonably fit and would go for jogs and stuff. I'm no jogger so he used to leave me in the dust. But while he could still beat me in a quick sprint, he can only jog like a couple of minutes now.

It sucks that he would rather drag me down. If he were fitter than me, I'd be happy for him. And I don't shame him for his declining fitness either.

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Just to clarify, because I can't drive, I used to need to involve my H to ask him to take me somewhere to jog, or he would see me trying to wirk out in the living room.

It's no longer an issue because DD can drive now and we share a gym membership. With my vision loss, I can only jog on a treadmill now, not on a path.

Plus I have hidden a barbell and plates under my bed, which I only use when H is at work.

I don't expect to hear him make any more comments.

My mother? Possibly, yeah. I'll let little comments roll off but if she does the stop everything until I accept her shame thing again, she might regret it.

Sigh.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Oh my, square. I'm sorry your mother is that way, and your husband too. I'm so proud of you for making steps for your physical health despite them!

Reading your story connected some dots for me about my own fitness shame. For me it's upper body strength that is difficult. I'm just not naturally strong, and yes, I've internalized some major shame messages received as a child. I'm naturally thin, my mother always struggled with being overweight. But HER uNmother was unhealthily thin. I'm positive they all had plenty of body shame too. My mother went the route of Munchausen by proxy to exaggerate some of the health issues I was having to make them about her, and she wrapped fitness into that. She could get a gym membership "for me" but not just exercise in a straightforward manner, for her own benefit. She had to do it as a show of being a Great Mother. And we did the little baby weights and machines only because *I* was so fragile and weak.    So my exercise and entire physical self-care became something that "belonged" to mom, if that makes any kind of sense. I see some of that element in your story, too. You could lift and carry for her, so she left you alone on the upper body. But if she has no use for your doing something, you better not develop that skill! I was not "allowed" to get stronger, because it served her to have a sickly child.

One of the most healing things I ever did was take a barre class consistently at my local Y. I don't know if your gym offers something like that. But I think barre is great because anyone at any level of fitness can jump into it and get a good workout. My experience was very body-positive: wherever you are you are becoming stronger, improving posture, loving yourself through these movements. It teaches body awareness and connectedness along with strengthening that doesn't rely on increasing the number on a weight machine. That's a major psych out for me! But I could feel in my everyday life I was getting stronger and that was enough. I know a lot of people love yoga but I am not comfortable with the spiritual elements of it, and being unable to get into the poses has been very triggering for me. For some reason that has not been as much of a problem with barre stretches. Sharing this alternative in case it's helpful to someone reading. 

[notrightinthehead]

Isn't it amazing the things we can get shamed for or made fun of! My husband made fun of my flossing. I want to keep my teeth as long as possible, so dental hygiene is important to me.

Congratulations that you no longer allow such nastiness to keep you from doing exercise. I find exercising so beneficial, not only for my body but also for my mind. Long, vigorous walks have so often given me back some calmness and clarity of mind.

[bloomie]

Count me in as another one who is inspired by you pursuing your strength and health, Square.

The habit of using static time - waiting in the kitchen for water to boil - to stretch or do a few squats is fantastic! Your mother behaving rudely about it and shaming you is odd. What an odd thing to shame someone about, I was thinking.

Then I realized... strong legs are equal to independence and the ability to walk, run, skip, away. Hmmm...🤔

As for your H shaming you, I am sad that you are not celebrated for the efforts you are making to be strong and independent. So grateful you have a way to the gym! 

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First, I meant to say that I hesitated to share on this subject because my mom is a non and I don't want to come across like I'm venting about a non when people here are struggling with very painful situations with PD parents. But the main point being how this was used by my husband and how sometimes emotional triggers can be really hard to identify. My apologies if it feels insensitive to anyone.

CMC, I found your thoughts quite interesting. I do enjoy connecting dots, so I am glad you could connect some of your own.

Speaking in general and not about PD here, it's just so sad how nearly universal this legacy of intergenerational body shame is. But of course weaponized to a whole 'nother level by PD parents.

So I see you were framed as being weak and fragile for her benefit, probably in multiple ways. She'd get the standard MBP benefits, but also perhaps reframe your thinness as undesireable ("weak") and therefore reframe her own image away from the messages she received from her mother and toward "strong."

By the way, have you considered the possibility that you might not be "not naturally strong" as you mentioned? Perhaps you are actually of average strength already.

My mother firmly believes she was extremely overweight when she was young, but the few photos I saw of her do not remotely bear this out, plus when I tried on a dress she wore at age 20 it was all I could do to zip it up, and I was at my fighting weight when I tried it. I pointed this out to her and I could literally see the cognitive dissonance on her face for a second, but she was not able to see it any differently. So I wonder if the message you received might have possibly overridden the facts at hand.

Alternatively, you might be weaker than average, but it might not be natural. I struggle with lower body strength, and tracking data around my lifts shows a striking disparity between upper body (ok-ish) and lower body (literally off the charts weak). I'll never know if this is natural or caused by a lifetime of being frantically shamed for literally any motion involving my quads or glutes. Good grief, I'm thinking my mother might actually have phobia level anxiety around it, no idea where it came from.

The barre class sounds really good, actually. I'll file that away, but doubt it's really realistic for me given my vision loss (doing it would be fine, but learning it would be hard). But my dream for my future in my own apartment is adding yoga and tai chi type stuff (based on my existing knowledge) which is not really comfortable in my house now.

NRITH, did being made fun of for flossing hit any emotional targets for you? It sure is weird what PDs will do, and also just amazing what complexes a really determined toxic person can create. Floss with honor.

Bloomie, reading your post made me think of how empty the PD victory is. For my husband to drag me down did not actually net him anything real.

It's kind of like cheating in academics or competition. There can be no pride in having stolen victory or scored highly by cheating. You are not better than your competition, just low enough to fool people.

So shaming me did not make him any fitter. Nor did it make him any more disciplined. Or a better person in any way. It just made him a man who would rather hurt his wife than accept himself or change himself.

[Rebel13]

Just saying thank you for this thread. Body shaming was a huge part of my mother's abuse. I was also bullied at school throughout my childhood because of my size. It's still a very painful, deep-seated struggle for me and something I'm planning on working on with my new therapist. But it's a lot.