Dad in Hospital - Golden Child being Golden Child

[LMS2024]

Hello everyone I'm using this space to vent in the hope it will make me feel better. I use to frequent the boards a lot about 10 years ago as Little Miss Sunshine. Went no contact for about 8 years with Dad, Mum and Sister and was more or less disowned from extended family.

I was doing well in those 10 years and realised that I too was a little personality disordered and have been trying to work on myself. Anyway I started contact with parents about 2 years ago when work became awful we had a new manager who failed to realise the whole site was minutes away from closing down (it did, about 60 people lost their jobs) and who was awful to everyone resulting in a lovely colleague of mine having a breakdown, its hard to watch a 50 year old man go through this. My health suffered and as a result and I was diagnosed with all sorts of things, my Mum and Dad have been supportive of the health stuff which is good.

Time is a great healer and in that 10 years I grieved the lost relationships and realised that the family was somewhat enmeshed, its difficult to say if my Dad has NPD or some other sort of PD and the same with my Mum however she is very dependant on my Dad. They both lie a lot mostly about my Sister, They do a lot of child care, financial care etc for my Sister who has kids. What surprised me when we started speaking again was how little my Sister did for my parents, which I find a little sad, especially when you factor in how much they have done for her.

Anyway fast forward to last weekend my Dad had a fall and is now lying in hospital with swollen hands and his neck in a brace, my Sister who has gone on holiday 3 hours away didn't come home (which is fair enough I guess?) however felt she could issue instructions to me and my Mum, one was that he must listen to podcasts to keep him distracted which is a good idea but how did she expect him to do that he is in a neck brace and can't use his fingers.

My hope was that my Mum and me would try to fill the hours with sitting next to him in Hospital and making sure he was eating and drinking. We have been doing this.

So my Sister is coming home tomorrow and I sent a text last night asking if between the three of us her, Mum and me that we could work out a visiting schedule so that he is not bombarded by the three of us and so that someone could sit with him in visiting hours, last night the Nurse left a drink with medication in that no way could my Dad drink himself without anyone's help I don't know if someone would have come back to help they didn't for the hour we were there. Luckily we had a supper bendy straw and I helped him drink it.

I'm worried that without a little bit of support in the day things like this will be missed and I'm worried he won't keep hydrated, he can't move his hands enough to support a drink.

I'm spiralling, angry and upset that my Dad is not going to get the help he needs (no shade to the Hospital Staff here they try their best but it is so busy). I'm trying to work through the relationship crap with these people and its all got a little too much. I'm also angry that I care so much given the sxxt they put me through but maybe i'm not the awful person they paint me out to be, who knows at this point

Sorry this was long thank you for letting me vent. Speaking with my Husband who has watched everything for the last 20 years and is less than impressed with my families behaviour in the past, his advice was do the best you can do for your Dad and ignore the rest which feels like great advice.

I hope you guys are doing well and thanks again.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Hello and welcome back, LMS. I am glad to hear you found healing in 10 years of NC. I believe that is the best reason for, and best outcome of, being NC. During those years you likely came to new awareness and employed new techniques to manage the difficulties of being in contact with someone with a PD and I hope that continues to serve you moving forward.   

You state "I'm trying to work through the relationship crap with these people and its all got a little too much. I'm also angry that I care so much given the sxxt they put me through but maybe i'm not the awful person they paint me out to be." 

I think I relate to that. I was NC with my GC sister for seven years and VVLC with parents, then last month resumed a level of fixed-term contact when both parents were unwell and needed to move to assisted living. I allowed myself to step back into the muck and mire of their lives. It was overwhelming and I had resentment that they got anything good from me (my time, my energy) in any way. I realized though I did not do it for them and instead did it because my own values could not ignore what I saw as a dire situation where nobody had done anything. I have since stepped away again, and noticed the peace in my life return. It is a relief.   
 
I guess my advice is to be clear about where your boundaries are as you navigate this present situation. Also stay within them when conditions arise that push the limits. What helped me were things like limiting how long I spent with them in-person, and how much texting or phone calls I interacted with. When they sent messages with demands, I just did not respond. I have several from them all that are simply unanswered.

I believe this is some of the most difficult stuff to manage, and I am not sure there is any "right way" to go about it. I think it is just about doing what feels best to you and gives you peace. If it starts to not feel right or is too much, I think it is OK to back off at any point.

[bloomie]

Hi LMS2024 - welcome back! You are in a challenging season as your parents are aging, and now your dad has had this injury. It sounds like it has been a sad and an ever challenging journey to reunite with your parents, but overall, a positive decision to be back in touch.

In a family with a lot of unresolved issues, enmeshment, and secrets (lying) it is next level stressful when an elder becomes so fragile and dependent like you describe your dad being. I am so sorry for his fall and the struggles he is having.

It does raise questions around how to best support our elders and it does expose the lack of interest some siblings truly have when a parent who has indulged a golden child no longer has anything to offer. That is painful to see.

What your dad does have is your mom and you and it seems like you are doing the best you can to support both your parents and be there for them under difficult circumstances.

Speaking with my Husband who has watched everything for the last 20 years and is less than impressed with my families behaviour in the past, his advice was do the best you can do for your Dad and ignore the rest which feels like great advice.

This is healthy, balanced and excellent advice from your H. Caregiver burnout is a real thing and doing what you can and staying focused on what you can control, change, manage - which is only yourself - is a path to peace within yourself.

And remember how important it is to take good care of yourself in the midst of all of this!