My father’s wife….and his illness.

Liketheducks · June 06, 2024, 02:23:27 PM

I won't call her my step mother, because I've never met her AND she's a mere 4 years older than myself. Dad served my mom with divorce papers on what would have been their 25th wedding anniversary in order to marry his now wife. And anytime I've spoken with him, he says he regrets their divorce. (I don't....they were terrible for each other).

I know my father's wife was never told about the havoc he created with his addictions and covert narc traits. If you don't know my story, he once pointed a gun at me amongst other things. He's not only never taken responsibility, he full out denies that anything negative happened. I've been virtually NC, with a few exceptions, over the last 30 years.

I'm sure his wife was never told the full story. He's been "dying" for years.....and now she says he's back in the hospital. She messaged me yesterday saying that he's back in the hospital with numerous infections...he no longer walks. I have no ability to talk with him without the wife's involvement...I.e. her phone on speaker. She's given me a rather graphic description of her care giving and how unless he can walk that she's going to need to find him a care home. First, I don't begrudge her for being overwhelmed with caregiving. It would be a lot under more favorable family circumstances. He gets benefits, he's well cared for medically...he also is still smoking and abusing pain medication.

My youngest sibling took his life this last Christmas, partly due to the aftermath of our horrific upbringing. My surviving sibling doesn't want to have anything to do with Dad. (Nor do I). Dad's wife kicked out the youngest sib. It is an EPIC shitstorm.

I don't want to have anything to do with this. Not with a 20ft pole. Dad is no longer really there and never was when he was well. This is a lot of his wife being overwhelmed and attacking me and my brother because she's dealt with Dad's care all on her own. Doesn't stop me from feeling like a cold a heartless individual for keeping my distance. And also pre-grieving and processing a very complicated loss that his wife believes is forthcoming.

Rebel13 · June 06, 2024, 04:58:31 PM

I'm so sorry, this sounds terribly difficult. I can only imagine (and look forward apprehensively to) the struggle with the guilt of maintaining no contact with a very ill older parent. I can only say, you are not wrong, bad, cold or heartless. There are reasons for the decisions you made, you know what they are, and the only person you need to satisfy with your behavior and choices is yourself.

I just finished a webinar on anticipatory grief and I wonder if looking into that topic and some ideas for coping might be helpful with some part of what you are dealing with?

Sending you best wishes for strength and sanity!

notrightinthehead · June 07, 2024, 02:32:51 AM

Liketheducks, I have no advice for you, just want to express my support. If I have learned anything in all these years dealing with the fog, I have never been successful in trying to get rid of difficult and unpleasant feelings. So I learned to accept them and wash over me. If I feel (judge myself) like a cold hearted, unsupportive, stingy person I will just allow myself to be like that too. It's not all I am, but I can be like that too. And I try to be compassionate with that part of myself too. It seems to help me to integrate difficult feelings.

treesgrowslowly · June 07, 2024, 07:55:24 AM

Liketheducks,

From what you describe, this person - your Dad's wife, is living with a narrative of obligation, and she's angry about it. And how much of that is your responsibility? Zero.

There is a lot to grieve here, for you, and someone as mixed up and angry as your Dad's wife, will not be a helpful part of that.

You are not cold nor heartless. She's got herself in a complicated situation and she's trying to get you to entangle yourself into her drama.

Trees

Liketheducks · June 09, 2024, 06:53:12 AM

Thank you. Trees....I think you've nailed it. She DOES want someone...anyone...of his family to get involved. However, literally none of us want to be within 100 yards of him. He's burned so many bridges with all of us. All I can say is "I'm so sorry this is happening, sending you peace".

Last month was my youngest siblings memorial. When he passed, I told my dad. I was afraid that no one would tell him that he had lost a child. At that time, he personally asked me if he should come to any memorial if there was one. I asked his widow, who ok'd it. And, let my dad know. He then said, that he really wasn't healthy enough for travel. And, I told him that that was totally understandable and I'd let him know if anything was planned.

Flash forward to the month before the memorial and I announced the plans to him and wife. Wife stated that they were coming. By then, dad wasn't really responding to me without her involvement. I told her that I was glad he was feeling a bit better. She said he wasn't, but that she had bought a camper just so he COULD go to the memorial....giving him a place to rest.

There was much angst throughout the family over this. No one really wanted to see him, though also no one wanted to deny a father an opportunity to say goodbye to his son. Days before the memorial, they still hadn't RSVP'd. When I finally got his wife....she said that they weren't coming and that if we wanted to see him...we'd JUST have to travel to him. Literally, everyone was relieved. There were grieving family members who were avoiding the memorial because they couldn't stand the idea of being in the same room with dad.

So, I'm certain that the wife is overwhelmed by this caregiving and thinks we're all heartless ungrateful children. Fine by me.

treesgrowslowly · June 09, 2024, 09:49:51 AM

Hi Liketheducks,

Yeah, from what you've shared here, it doesn't sound like his wife has a clue as to what is really going on and why she's saddled herself as his caretaker. She sounds like a flying monkey.

She's trying to be the martyr / rescuer, you've been able to see through her. You know that you're not going to jump in and rescue your dad from his own mess he made with people.

It does sound like she's exploiting some of the normal stuff you feel, due to being a member of a family with a lot of grief and loss. The more I separated out my own stuff from the projections of others, it helped. I got more "good days" as I did that. Not saying life is easy for those of us with these messed up parents.

If she sees you as heartless and ungrateful, those are her distorted FOGGY projections. She would need to get herself out of her FOG, to see things clearly.

When someone narcissistic comes after me, and I protect myself from their harms, I will do things out of self-protection.

Our self-protection is called 'being heartless'. Instead of being seen for what it is - self-protection from an abusive family member. Once I learned enough about FOG, to understand why I was being seen a certain way by clueless relatives, it gave me more space for my own grief. And I am so sorry you lost a sibling and in such a sad way, and so your grief process is really important. Those of us with narcissistic parents, need to be told how important our emotional needs are. Over and over. I'll need to remind myself of this, the rest of my life.

One of the many many things I've learned from being in this forum over the years is that flying monkeys love telling us who we are (describing us as cold, unhelpful, heartless etc..), and they always get it wrong. We're not heartless - quite the opposite.

Sending you much peace.

Trees

Sneezy · June 09, 2024, 11:54:37 AM

Quote from: Liketheducks on June 09, 2024, 06:53:12 AMSo, I'm certain that the wife is overwhelmed by this caregiving and thinks we're all heartless ungrateful children.

Liketheducks - I think you are correct. Your dad's wife is overwhelmed. But she did this to herself. She married your dad. She made the choice and she said "for better or for worse," and now she is dealing with the "for worse" part. It is too bad. I'm sure it is difficult for her. But you did not create her problem. She did. She didn't mean to, but it's what happened, and it's her problem to fix, not yours.

In a more typical family situation, you and your siblings would step in and work with your dad's wife to care for him. But you are not in a typical situation. Your dad is not a good person, and it's not safe for you to be around him or to care for him. You have worked long and hard to safeguard your mental health, and you need to keep your distance from your dad and continue to take care of yourself.

Please continue to take care of yourself and ignore your dad's wife's erroneous opinions. I know it's hard, but who cares what she thinks? It just doesn't matter. What matters is your physical and mental health.

Rebel13 · June 09, 2024, 03:20:03 PM

Just chiming with support, second-ing and third-ing the hope that you will take care of yourself during this very hard time, and not worry too much about what anyone else thinks you should do or feel.