JUST wrote speech-worked on for YRS-to confront NC parent-who's NOW lost memory

[BrightMoon]

Yesterday, after years of no contact, JUST as I finished a speech I had prepared for YEARS (of things I had never confronted my abusive parent over)...I got the news she has Alzheimers disease-to the level they only remember a few minutes at a time.

I had been too scared my entire life to say the things I had prepared in my speech. It had no rage or slurs in it-it is just a factual statement of the abuse I now clearly recall she had done to me, despite being my mother. Emotional abuse, physical, & some innapropriate sexual abuse. Now I am devastated as it took me years to reach this point of being ready to stand up to them and confront them.

Years to piece together all the painful memories, years to see through the lies they had weaved and excuses they had told me my how life, and all the times they blamed and gaslit me into thinking I somehow "deserved" all the abuse for being "me". Years to work through the pain of recovering these abusive times.

I was always scapegoated, hated, blames, abused, lied to-and I took it, and took it, and tried all I could to please her-I got great grades, worked hard, was always polite and kind to everyone and tried to be the best man I could be-and nothing changed. I still got treated like I was slime. And it took me years of separation and seeing through the lies and gaslighting to figure it out and see it for what it was. A psychopath abusive parent.

All I wanted to do was to stand up for myself and speak the truth and make it clear I now knew the truth and what happened and knew I was not to blame-regardless of her reaction which would probably be to blame me again...

And LITERALLY just days ago, I was about ready to finally break no contact, set up a time and day, and do this. I NEEDED it. YEARS of work, pain, wading through lies and painful memories.

And YESTERDAY out of nowhere I learn she now has a four minute memory span. Typically, nobody told me she had gotten ill in the previous months or years.

Now I feel like my plans have been smashed to pieces-again. She never faced any justice, karma, responsibility, consequences or even had anyone stand up to her in any way-now she has escaped again.
She shows no fear and seems completely unconcerned and not bothered about the memory issue she now has, and thats not just my view but also the view of others.

Its just not fair. I have spent my life trying to be a good person and I have always had the worst luck imaginable (not regarding this even, just in all my life). EVERYTHING goes wrong for me whilst she has always had ridiculously good luck but has spent her life using and abusing people. I am devastated.       

I need all the support I can get as I just dont know where to turn or what to do next. If anyone has ideas of different ways of confronting an ill or specifically a parent with alzheimers, please let me know/post ideas or thoughts or methods.

Or even just wishing me well or safe virtual hugs would be welcome today.

[NarcKiddo]

I wish you all the very best and am sending you a big virtual hug.

As for your mother - well, I get why you are so frustrated. But I would invite you to consider that maybe a confrontation would have pleased her. I know that the worst punishment you can inflict on my mother is to ignore her. She can't bear that. If I got the guts to go NC she would not take it well. So all your years of NC were sending a message to your mother loud and clear, whether or not she acknowledged it. Breaking NC to give her attention, even unpleasant attention, might not work out as you would hope even if she was fully compos mantis.

I would also invite you to consider what benefit would come to you from confronting her. Were you hoping she would apologise? Did you just want to get it off your chest? Because YOU are the one who matters here. YOU know the truth. You've had painful years confronting it and working on you - would it make so much difference for her to know that? Might she in some perverted way be pleased to learn that you have had to spend all this time working on things she has caused?

And if you really do need to have it out with her for your own sake, well, I guess you still can. A four minute short term attention span does not necessarily mean that she does not remember things from way back, whether or not she would acknowledge that.

[Defiantdaughter1]

Sometimes people with Alzheimer's remember things from 40 years ago,  but not something that happened 40 minutes ago. She might recall more than her doctor actually thinks.

[moglow]

BrightMoon, I'm sorry this is hitting you so hard. It's so much better than holding on to it and letting it eat away at you. Even if she never hears it, it has been said where it's needed. You've faced the gorgon, for yourself. Please don't think you should discount what you've done. That's BIG stuff right there, it takes a whole heap of courage and strength. Doing that is like dredging a ditch where so much is stirred up and it make take some time to settle, but getting that poison out is really good!

Thing is, even had you been able read it to her it's entirely likely it would have been denied outright, picked apart, dismissed, turned around where she's a poor victim of it all. Everything that made you go NC in the first place would be thrown back in your face to be relived. She IS held accountable in all the ways that matter, even if in complete denial herself.

When you're able, keep on writing letters or journaling as things come up. I found it helped me so much later on to reread my old letters I'd never ever share with her, even burning them and releasing all that ugliness as it all fell to ashes.

We're here with you.

[Sneezy]

BrightMoon - I'm sorry you didn't get the chance to truly confront your abuser.  That just sucks!  However, you did it for you, right?  You wrote and acknowledged YOUR truth, and I think that's what really matters.

As far as your mother, I suspect she shares quite a few traits with the parents of many of us on this forum.  We are out here because our elderly parent is so outside the norm that we are stumped.  No parent is perfect, but our parent's behavior is just so atypical that we label it a disorder.  And we are the ones paying for their disorder.  Part of the bitch of it is that they rarely pay for their own misdeeds.  Even if some karma does come back and bite them in the butt, it just feeds their "poor me, everyone mistreats me, and no one suffers like I do" mantra.

What do you think would have happened if you had been able to sit your mother down and make her listen to you?  Would she have truly listened?  Would she have even heard you?  Or would she deny, deny, and then deny some more?  My guess is that she rewrites history, and whatever she says the truth is, or was, becomes the truth.  And, as others have mentioned, she might even enjoy seeing your pain and discomfort.  For my mom, she prefers good attention, but she will take bad attention if that's all she can get.  She feeds on strife and drama and big emotional blowouts.

I have never had the courage to go NC with my mom, and I admire your ability to do so.  Think on it, but maybe staying NC is the best strategy for you.  Adding dementia on top of a personality disorder is a terrible combination.  Maybe staying away from all that drama, while continuing to write and work on your emotional well-being, is the way to go.

Hugs to you - hang in there!