How to set a boundary

[Ladymm]

Hi,

I am looking for some advice. My N mom has the time of her life, since now as it seems it appeared that grandma(also N) did a CT or MRI because she had some growth on ortopan and the scan showed also alzheimer. I see my mother like once a month and I never invite her to where I live, even though I live in a house of her property . The renting sitituation with the prices is horrible where i live and right now I am not working , but hope I will find a new job soon, I have experience but I dont know if I would luke to change career from law, which is a bit challenging.

Last week my mother appeared in front of my house and called me at 8 in the morning and under the excuse that my father went to the doctor called me if I come out and i said no. I know a normal daughter would, but this is just her N attempts and measurmentsnof yhe victim temperature. As i wrote, now I am not working and she wants as it seems use this excuse to pass time with me so maybe she could then tell her friends that her family is normal and also to gain her way back in my life, and this is why I told her that me and husband will come visit them, a boundary which as proved above, she doesn not respect.  After said episode, she called me thw next day with her  ranting poor me voice to tell me that grandma has a tumor which became already bone in her head (like this is positive or i dont know,i didnt go into the topic) and some cyst and also the scan showed she had Alzheimer(even I dont know how one can diagnose alzheimer from a scan only, isnt thus a psychiatric diagnosis?).  I know that for her narc self this is a very good sitiation energetically, because now she will take care of her mother and feel like a saint and she will try to control me with the excuse of my grandmothers alzheimer. My grandma is 85 and lives alone, she seems ok for now, but soon my mother will attempt to do the following: she will go with my father for a month long holiday and call me to go visit grandma and ask how she is,because my sister will be some days in another city. I dont want to go visit grandmother, she disgusts me as a person (i litteraly feel disgust) , always with her victim mode and disgusting self pity voice she is a true emotional criminal. She used me to tell me her stories of wwII attrocities and poorness but not just as stories but only to show what a victim she was, how she is a moral person and others all immoral, and hiw i should be lucky that i wasnt born in a war and to have a father, because her died in a war. She is also mentally challenged imo or she has some problem because she has been telling the same stories for 40 years of my existance without seemingly noticing that she has already told them 100 times before,all while smiling at her own jokes which are all but funny. I havent visited my grandma for 5 years at her home, i sometimes meet her at my mothers house, i try to arrange ao she comes there just to balance the drama.

She is always bothering me at such meetings why i dont come to visit her, that i dont know where she lives, also phisically blocking me in order to annoy, and with a crying voice until i told her last time i would never visit her. My mother disregarded all this and also the fact that i told her last.
Last year my N mom already asked me to go call grandma while shes on holiday and ask her lf she needs something and i said I wouldnt go check on grandma and I didnt , i told her she can call grandma from wherever she is and if theres some emergency I will do what is needed. This year she has the excuse of alzheimers. I want to tell my N if she comes with the request to call grandma to plan her vacations in accordance with my sister being in town however they want, I will not take care of the grandmother, but she will ask me maybe why and what i tell her? I cant tell about what i write here, my mother has the emotional maturity of a leech, she will gaslight me and tell me im a bad person because now there is alzheimer and all else is irrilevant.Also, my mother has almost a fantasy or i dont know what of how somebody takes care of their mother, and she raised me just so the top of my existance will be when i would be taking care of her when she is old, so now this is a test if she still holds a chance through how i react to grandmas alzheimer. Also this is why this all disgusts me even more. So hiw i set a boundary?i dont want to ever go check on grandma. My mother can even throw us from her appartment(she would maybe even do me a favor), but she will not, because this would damage her reputation of saviour of mankind that she thinks is linked to her persona. Thank you!

[SonofThunder]

Hi Ladymm,

Boundaries are about self protection through controlling our own actions and reactions.  Boundaries are not attempting to control the actions of another person. 

Reading your post, it seems you have an open communication road with your mother. Therefore a boundary is to protect yourself by limiting your own communication.

https://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/no-contact

In my own experience, whenever we allow ourselves to be in the reaches of control by a PD, we will suffer under their control or manipulation.  Living on property your mother owns is an example of allowing your mother to have control.  I suggest you do whatever you must to rent your own place to live.  The hard work required to accomplish that may make you somewhat more unavailable in your busyness, assisting with your NC (or LC = low contact).

Wishing you the best,

SoT

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Hi Ladymm.  Your post about boundaries hits a topic that I find so intriguing when dealing with someone with a PD. 

I believe boundaries are for how we live our life, and it is sort of about putting parameters around how we chose to interact with others, what we allow in our lives, and what we give our energy to. When we do this, we control the situation.
   
If however we work with boundaries as communicating our desire for how we want others to behave, then await them to show us their different behavior, they control it. In my mind, it kind of gives all the influence of the situation away to the other person.     
       
I think though that boundaries are most manageable if dealing with non-intimate individuals for short durations of time. For me, living my boundaries and enforcing them is not sustainable over a long period of time with the same person because you will continue to be exposed. It is exhausting to always deflect them. If that isn't enough, it seems the other person attacks you more aggressively when they realize you are not complying with them because they think their aggression will force you.

None of the way they behave toward you is your fault. Boundaries do not stop the destructive actions of others. Boundaries can however prevent your exposure to whatever destruction they may create.