Relationship Martyrs from Language of Letting Go

[Spring Butterfly]

Melody Beattie, Author of codependent, no more, has a book called the Language of Letting Go. It has daily readings. Today's reading pointed me back to my first days here at Out of the FOG. It took me a long time to understand and embrace the idea of boundaries and the right to my own choices, especially with family.

I felt prompted to share here.

Relationship Martyrs

Many of us have gone so numb and discounted our feelings so completely that we have gotten out of touch with our needs in relationships.

We can learn to distinguish whose company we enjoy, whether we're talking about friends, business acquaintances, dates, or spouses. We all need to interact with people we might prefer to avoid, but we don't have to force ourselves through long-term or intimate relationships with these people.

We are free to choose friends, dates, spouses. We are free to choose how much time we spend with those people we can't always choose to be around, such as relatives. This is our life. This is it. We can decide how we want to spend our days and hours. We're not enslaved. We're not trapped. And not one of us is without options. We may not see our options clearly. Although we may have to struggle through shame and learn to own our power, we can learn to spend our valuable hours and days with the people we enjoy and choose to be with.


Quoted from the app The Language of Letting Go.

* note that since it's based on a 12 step model, the concept of a higher power (God) is woven throughout the book.

[bloomie]

Spring Butterfly - Thank you for this! Needed the reminder!

[SonofThunder]

100% agree Spring Butterfly. The realization that boundaries was actually a tool I had to implement for my own self protection was an eye opener.

I finally realized my own rights had been slowly buried in a deep hole by my manipulators. I steadily allowed myself to turn into a caretaker, in hopes they would eventually provide equal respect.  When that never occurred, I allowed my caretaking to become my private martyr trophy instead, since I could not see a way out of the hole I had found myself within. 

Caretaking became a habit; that always elusive hope that potentially the other person would change. Proper boundaries took guts and it opened an entire new and difficult dynamic; the short-circuited crossed wires that created immediate sparks with my manipulators. I then had to learn how to steel my backbone and develop thick skin.  The ultimate boundary was getting myself legally out of the control of my manipulators. 

Your post is a good reminder of the difficulty, yet necessary tool of learning proper boundaries.  Thanks for sharing. 

SoT