thoughts on husband wanting me to join apple family on iphone

starthealing2 · August 18, 2024, 09:48:03 AM

This is a random topic but I don't know much about it...can anyone enlighten me???
This is in regards to my husband who I have recently called out on about 10 years of verbal abuse..ive posted in other areas so I don't want to make this too long. But the last 3 months we have been going through a lot with me not knowing about getting a divorce. (sleeping in separate rooms..phones, emails, laptops passwords all changed and kept from each other for space, seeking counseling, etc). So then this came up...

There has been 2 instances my husband has sent me invites to join the 'apple family' on our iphones as he was setting up a thing to track my son in middle school. I have ignored these for now. I don't know much about them, but I have read that there is 1 organizer and that person (him) is in charge of everyones stuff...even if they add a parent. So naturally... I didn't want to give him any power over my phone so I didn't do it.. he then called me out in front of my daughters the other day saying why wont mom be a part of it and I ignored it so I didnt have to say 'because i dont trust you' in front of the kids. But of course this came up in our argument again yesterday.. He accused me of not wanting to join because I am hiding stuff and how he doesn't trust me and this is why he's going to take everything and go through with the divorce and so on... I then told him that I don't trust him to have control and thats why. He was PISSED! He said thats not how that works and also can't believe I would say that.. I said its because of this stuff...you say youre going to take everything from me if we divorce, so of course it makes me not trust you!! He still was super mad! Blamed me saying he knew it was because I would be hiding things can't believe it wont join and so on.

Does anyone know how this works as far as would it really give him control over anything on my phone?? He is very very techy and knowledgeable with anything electronic so it scares me. He has changed like some of our smarthouse stuff or cameras when he would be mad and I couldn't do anything to fix it...those kind of things make me nervous. Or should I just join and it would be fine? I don't want to make him more mad with me if its really fine to be on it... I just felt like since I can still text my son and vice versa that was all I needed for now, and my husband can do the tracking. He's only 6thh grade and just started middle school and rides the bus, so he really doesn't have much of a need for major tracking or stuff right now and he only uses the watch at school, not a phone yet. Thanks all!!!!

Poison Ivy · August 18, 2024, 11:04:05 AM

I don't know how the technology works, but I advise against joining the "apple family" with your phone. Your husband might use the technology for things that make you uncomfortable, and if you say "yes" to joining, it could be treated as consent to anything your husband does with the information.

starthealing2 · August 18, 2024, 12:02:35 PM

Thanks for your input...thats kind of how I feel too and I just have to put up with the fact that me saying no is going to cause him to be angry and hold it against me..but I will just have to stick to it as a boundary. Maybe if I bring it up in couples counseling, or if he does, then I can get my point across better there for him to understand. We have our very first session coming up in about a week and a half.

notrightinthehead · August 18, 2024, 03:42:00 PM

You don't need to explain why you don't want to join. It's your personal preference. Let him believe what he chooses to believe. You. Just prefer it this way.
In my experience when you try to explain yourself, you open all doors to more accusations and discussions and derogatory statements.

starthealing2 · August 18, 2024, 03:47:30 PM

That is very smart and so true! Thank you for that.

TurnThePage · August 19, 2024, 07:31:51 AM

Agree with the above and.... feel it's more about Control than anything else. If it makes you feel uncomfortable...don't join!

Rebel13 · August 20, 2024, 03:41:30 PM

Agree with all that's been said. I would definitely not join this. I think it does give others access to everything on your phone, including texts, images, location and so forth.

Here is an idea. I don't know where you are in your thought process about moving forward. But if you are at a point where you plan to divorce, even if you are not ready yet, I would urge you to get another phone for your use, on your own plan, perhaps even a different company/carrier than your husband uses. I would not tell him you are doing this. If you wanted to, you could then add your current phone to Apple Family, to stop the conflict/suspicion with him, and use your current phone only for texting with your children and your husband, and other activities you don't care if he sees. You could use the new phone for things you'd rather he didn't know about.

If things escalate, I would also turn off the location feature on any phone he knows about or has access to.

starthealing2 · August 20, 2024, 07:11:07 PM

Thanks for that thought! So I would definitely think this could be a good idea soon for sure. He is very techy and I have no clue what he will try. He also is the name on our cell phone plan even though I pay everything. What concerns me is we share all our bank stuff so I have no idea how I would pay for another phone without him finding that out! he already accused me of having another bank account because when all our crap hit the fan I had a text from a friend that was advising me to do this and I was asking her about it. Now, I never did it because after hearing her advise on everything I decided that it wasn't for me and I just couldn't do all that at that point. Soooo he read that off my watch and has not trusted me since. But, I told him all my paychecks go into our joint banking and you can see it all! No way for it to go anywhere else. You can see the amounts and it would be insanely obvious if not all the paychecks went into that account. So now he 'checks' the accounts more often even though I am always the one that handled it all.
So, as I do see that as a very good plan and I sooooo wish I could do that... I don't know how to handle the paying part without him finding that out. I do currently have my location turned off on my phone...which again he sees as me 'hiding' something and 'shady.' I just don't trust him.

square · August 20, 2024, 09:25:01 PM

He has you on the back foot and I 100% get that. Here's just something to keep in mind.

You COULD refuse to feel like you have to prove anything to him.

Instead of feeling like you've done something wrong and needing to assure him you really have no bank account you COULD say to yourself "so what if I did? Is that a problem? Are you trying to exploit me financially? Are you afraid I might think about leaving? And instead of being a better husband you want to lock me down?"

And out loud? You need to be safe. But maybe you can shrug him off and refuse to panic and JADE. You can say less, not more.

As for the other phone, if you need one, the solution is a prepaid plan. You go to Walmart or whatever and tell them you want a basic phone with a prepaid plan. Yo buy a card with $25 or whatever on it. I don't know what the cheapest phone you could get is, but it might be under $100. If you get stuff at Walmart regularly, you could try to add it to a shop. You can get the phone one time and the card another time to spread out the cost a bit. Just make sure to hide the receipt and have an explanation for what you bought, if he does ask. Just an option to keep in mind.

As for the Apple Family plan, try to just shrug it off and say as little as possible.

I don't know.
Don't really want to.
I haven't changed my mind.
I don't think anything's changed.

Him: You have something to hide?
You:
Nope.
Nope.
Nope.
Nope.
I'm gonna go do the dishes.

square · August 20, 2024, 09:32:37 PM

Also, you can ask the folks in the electronics section to help you set it up. They might grumble but push them. Tell them you have no phone to use and never did this before. They can all set it up in their sleep. Some will help you no prob, some will be lazy. Either push or come back another time for another employee.

Also, set up another email address. Link it to your friend's, not any of yours. Do not set it up on phone/watch. If you have a laptop/desktop, only use it there, using incognito mode. And consider not using gmail for it, because logging into a gmail account will show up on YouTube etc. - but using incognito mode should be okay but it could be easy to make a mistake. I'd personally use Yahoo or something.

starthealing2 · August 20, 2024, 10:27:42 PM

Thanks square! Wow so much info i never really thought about! What do you mean gmail shows on YouTube? If he doesn't have my gmail password then that account should be safe right?

square · August 20, 2024, 11:44:04 PM

Sorry I was unclear.

When you log into a Google account, you log into the full Google network. This includes YouTube and potentially many other apps. Also some apps offer the option to log in using your Google (or Facebook etc) account.

If you forget to log out of a shared device, he might notice, for example, if he goes to YouTube and sees the recommended videos are not what he expected (for example, if he follows some channels but suddenly, on your account, it's showing generic videos, or worse, Dr. Ramani and the like).

I'm not telling you to worry about him getting into yoyr gmail if he doesn't have your login. You should be good. Here's what to keep in mind:

- MAKE SURE YOU LOG OUT.
- If you watch YouTube, make sure you log out of there as well if you are watching stuff you don't want him to see.
- If you create a new email that you not only don't want him to have the login to but actually not know it exists, make it something other than Gmail.
- Be aware that he can see your general search history if you forget to log out of gmail. Also your full YouTube history if you have one of that account. (You can delete both histories).
- Using the incognito mode on your browser, if you have one, helps a LOT. It will ensure history isn't kept, cookies not kept, and thus you'll also never accidentally forget to log out. PLEASE use this site in incognito/private browsing if possible. On an iPhone, in Safari, you can swipe over to Private. When you are done with a session, get rid of the tab and swipe back over to normal browsing. No history and you're logged out.

Rebel13 · August 21, 2024, 11:29:32 AM

square, as always, such great advice.

starthealing, here is a link to a site that has lots of information for abuse survivors about using technology safely. Please check it out in a private or incognito window on your device when you can, and stay safe!

https://www.techsafety.org/resources-survivors

Dinah-sore · August 21, 2024, 08:11:48 PM

Quote from: starthealing2 on August 20, 2024, 07:11:07 PMWhat concerns me is we share all our bank stuff so I have no idea how I would pay for another phone without him finding that out!

I haven't read all the replies yet, and I have never done this. But one therapist I posted too advised to buy prepaid Visa cards at the grocery store to use for things like therapy that you don't want your abuser to know about. I would think maybe you could use that? At least for a prepaid phone?

I am sorry for your situation. I think 100% your husband is trying to intimidate and control you. He isn't safe or trustworthy.

I wish you the best.

starthealing2 · August 22, 2024, 12:06:56 AM

thank you all for this information. I had no idea about the incognito stuff. I tried at work but the webpage is blocked. I am flying home to visit my parents this weekend (which is making me sooooooooo nervous leaving the kids and him to do God knows what while I am gone) but after much going back and forth I think I am going to go. It's for my dad who has been sick and its only for 3 nights. I finally got my middle daughter (who I feel is also getting his verbal/emotional abuse) to support me with this decision and understand that I am only a phone call away and love her and all the kids but I also have to take care of grandpa too. My husband actually booked the trip and I couldn't tell if he was truly being nice because of the situation or if he was trying to get me to leave. I hate feeling like I can't trust what he is going to do when I leave. I mean is he going to go through my stuff, set up cameras, put a tracker in my car...put thoughts in the kids head again... it can drive me mad thinking of all the what ifs... but at the same time, maybe he does want me to have time with my dad. I dont know. I feel so sick about it all. I shouldnt have to worry about making a trip like this and it sucks that I do. But I also work night shift so its not like he doesn't already have the kids to himself a lot..or if we get divorced he will have them half the time as well probably and there is only so much I can have control over.
Anyway, thanks for this info..maybe there is some more planning I can do while I am away to help me prepare for coming back there again. Any other ideas of things please share

This has been so great and such an eye opener to see so many people that are going thru similar things and so caring and helpful. So thank you all!!!

sunshine702 · September 05, 2024, 06:23:19 PM

NO NO NO do not join! Yes absolutely this has the ability to be used for power and control and surveillance and you have EVERY RIGHt to decline. Your intuition is telling you exactly what is up.

So here is a real story I heard recently. A group of guys were standing around and finally ask guy A what was up with the earpiece he always had in?! Being all guys he admitted HE WAS LISTENING TO HiS WIFE 24/7 remotely! The guy retelling me this was shocked and disgusted.

Power and control. Everything needs to be thought about through power and control

sunshine702 · September 05, 2024, 06:27:39 PM

Quote from: Dinah-sore on August 21, 2024, 08:11:48 PM
Quote from: starthealing2 on August 20, 2024, 07:11:07 PMWhat concerns me is we share all our bank stuff so I have no idea how I would pay for another phone without him finding that out!

I haven't read all the replies yet, and I have never done this. But one therapist I posted too advised to buy prepaid Visa cards at the grocery store to use for things like therapy that you don't want your abuser to know about. I would think maybe you could use that? At least for a prepaid phone?

I am sorry for your situation. I think 100% your husband is trying to intimidate and control you. He isn't safe or trustworthy.

I wish you the best.

The domestic violence people recommend that trick also buy and return an item you normally get for the $30 cash. Do this each trip

starthealing2 · September 05, 2024, 08:04:04 PM

THANKS sunshine for that! Wow he was listening to everything?!! See I took my dashcam down in my car because I have all my phone conversations with my mom and people in there and I just felt like he could take the sim card out and listen if he wanted too. When he first found it disconnected I lied that it was me because I was scared of his response, but eventually I told the truth and told him I just didn't want to think about him listening to it. Since that almost 3 months ago, he STILL uses that as one of the moments he knew he couldn't trust me cause I lied. He said there is no audio on it, but I know he is techy and can probably get audio. So it wasn't even about knowing where I was, like he thinks it is...it was more about being able to listen to my private phone calls when I am venting with family or a friend. I will never be able to live that one down...or not joining the apple family. To him both make me extremely sketchy and he made sure to tell our couples counselor that.

square · September 05, 2024, 08:36:26 PM

It's funny how he's got it all turned around into you being sketchy, when it's sketchy as hell for a man to be upset that his wife disconnected a dashcam in HER car.

Sounds pretty nefarious to me, and I would not be willing to be put on the spot to defend myself when it's HIS actions that are sus as hell.