Past recollections

[Breadroll]

Friend who catches up occasionally- mostlypositive  experience although slightly on guard as friend has strong opinions on most things.  But here's the issue- friend insists - when others are present- that I was " always off with someone" and very free in our shared youth, and even gave an example of me going home with someone. It's all very light and " humorous"- but it isn't true! - when I left a party it was simply to get a lift home.
When I denied it it was brushed off.  Does she genuinely think this, or simply wants to paint me this way- it's hard to work out the motive, as we are oldish now.
Just an irritation of course, but it bothers me.

[Catothecat]

It would bother me, too, Breadroll, because it isn't the truth.  And that matters.

Has she ever said this before, when the conversation is just between the two of you?  When you have an opportunity to correct or refute her without an audience being present?  Has she done it more than once in front of others?  Or was it just this one time?

If it's a repeat performance, and you've objected before, then it sounds like something is definitely going on with her.  Does she do it to others, as well? 

In any event, if this is bothering you, you might want to do some friendship-evaluating.  Is the friendship worth confronting her about it, or is it the type where investing emotional energy into it just isn't worth it because you know it won't accomplish anything (except make you frustrated!)

Go with you gut on this.  If I was in your position and this was a friend I valued, I'd definitely say something (privately) as in, why did you say that?  You brushed it off, but it bothers me because it's not true.

A good, decent friend will take your comments to heart (and sometimes they don't know they've upset you until you tell them since a lot of people are not very perceptive).  If she continues to brush it off, then whatever is going on with her is beyond anything you can do something about and she has to work on herself. 

[Breadroll]

Thanks for the support - yes she's voiced it between the two of us as well - and when I said I didn't remember it like that she pushed back hard - a sort of " remembering on my behalf? It's difficult, as she can be great in other ways.
You are right though - is it worth my emotional energy? Not really.

[notrightinthehead]

When someone does that to me, I either take the ball and run with it, by admitting it and exaggerating the statement, something like, you are right, I was wild, had an exciting sex life then. Sadly it all died when I married.... (should get some laughs from the audience) or I turn it around like Beeadolls friend even then thought that looking at a boy meant having sex with him. Just too much sexual phantasy dear friend with a big , knowing smile at friend.

I try to fight back when someone does that to me, if they throw dirt repeatedly, some might stick.

[Catothecat]

Re. what notright says--yep, I've absolutely used that technique with my narc mother when she would insist I did something regardless of the truth, regardless of what I would say to tell her she was wrong.  She would get it in her head that her version of events from my life were the correct ones and that was that.

So sometimes, in frustration mostly, I would say yep, you're absolutely right.  I did this and this and this and that and that and that then happened and oh how terrible it all was.  Oh, the humanity! Or something like that.  Either very sarcastic or making it into a joke or even both.  Often it worked to shut down the conversation and got through to her (and as many of us know, getting through to a narc can be incredibly difficult at times) that I wasn't going to take her seriously and continue the conversation.

[Breadroll]

Thanks for your good humour and replies- it helps!

Reflecting on this - I think it hurts me because I actually would  like a partner, but this is highly unlikely now. In those days I was likely flirting and dressing up etc- of course I was a young woman then.

 I tried to date briefly since leaving xnpdh, but it hasn't been       A success- and I found it's much better to say " no I am not looking" to prevent intrusive speculation and " fake kindness".

Boundaries 😎.