Double bind - no way out

[Marianne]

Please, any advice?

I have thought things over a lot. And this is the problem.

My parents were personality disordered. But covert. Mum was actively emotionally abusive and defended and helped all my abusers. Dad was just always passive. He never harmed me. But he never stood up for me either. And defended my mum. There was also a very loving side, as long as I completely stayed in line. Which made it confusing. Dad had a narc mum, he says.

I had a sociopathic partner. Had a baby. And realised: no.  This I will not accept to my child. I had to fight for years against CPS. But eventually I won. Dad was kept away.

But by that time, I was so wrecked, I turned psychotic. Mum pushed me over the edge with a terrifying remark. My parents took in my child. And never gave him back. I had to watch history repeat...though I was/am rather scapegoat and him golden child. I signalled everyone, but nobody helped, and I was too wrecked to fight again. I feel superguilty.

A lot to tell. But this is the issue. We're being judged by CPS again. And dad manoeuvred me (and I worked along with him) in a terrible position.

- He worked all the family against me.
- He hid all his schizoid and narcissistic behaviour.
- He collected all my weird trauma responses for years.
- I have a diagnosis and sought help everywhere, he refused to seek help.
- Son is symbiotic with dad. He is not completely turned against me. He still wants to be here. But he tells CPS he
  is okay as it is. And stopped giving signals of abuse. And is emotionally...somewhat estranged. 
- I love dad. He has a kind side too. I keep feeling guilty. If I hadn't responded so badly, would he have healed? Changed? Am I victim? Am I the narcissist? Are we both?
- I am not sure if he is kind to kid...and if I should fight...or make it worse for kid then.
- The last months I was so desperate that I was a total freak. When dad was calm and collected. If he taped the last months convo's...they think dad's an angel (though he kept doing sneaky stuff). And I'm an utterly mean perpetrator. but I've been incapable of protecting kid for years.

Dad says: if you talk, you have a problem. I have a lot to hold against you. The whole family supports me.

If I talk, I likely lose my kid, and can do nothing for him. If I stay silent, the situation never changes, and I'm not sure if dad will continue to gain more control. Kid is with me three days now. If I say I dcan't talk and explain, dad will wreck me too. If I escape abroad, kid will call them and they will come after me.

Now what?

Go along, forgive, and make the best of it? Dad can be kind if I pretend my childhodo was bliss and he is perfect. Speak up? Flee?


I think dad is not genuinely narcissist btw. I think he uses the behaviours. But is maybe more OCPD. He fears me (and my former psychosis makes that normal). And he plays nasty games, and says he does, maybe to protect kid. Not sure.

[Marianne]

He basicly holds me a stick and a carrot.

Carrot: if I keep silent about what I did to you and your kid, kid will likely be formally placed with father. They say they have no concerns over safety with me, since I haven't even ever raised my voice against kid, I think. But they will just make the practical situation formal. But my dad says if I stay wilent, he will make sure I see kid three times by day (no nights). Even if CPS thinks otherwise. That I can go on holidays. That he comes with me to systemstherapy (even if he says there's nothing wrong with him) and my brothers will, and he will make sure they don't exclude me with festivities. And things will be great. I never know what to believe...the stories he tells CPS point to him manvoeuvring towards custody too.

Stick: if I speak up, he tells me he made the whole family side with him and everyone will say he is perfect and I to blame. I notice that what I speak with them. He says he kept a record of all my texts and telephone convo's (in summary: me begging him in despair to see his behaviour is not okay, as I do, so we can all seek help, and recover, that he is driving me to suicidal thoughts, please stop). And hid all his own problems, so the context is missing. He threatens all the time that I have a major problem if I speak up. If I say something small, he keeps my kid away or tells my psych he's worried for I'm instable. I'm convinced he will keep my son away.