Hello and thanks

[FubarNation]

Dear All, thank you in advance for reading my story. It's been something, these last few years, and I've been reading Out of the FOG but this is my first post. In a nutshell, my BPD mother (83) is taking care of my narc sister who has early onset Alzheimers (59). This has been happening for 4.5 years. In the years leading up to that, my sister and I were in same state and I had a VERY difficult time trying to convince my mother that anything was wrong with my sister. Meanwhile, she was in a dangerous situation with a very bad man and I won't go into that here but it's all part of the same trauma story that I'm trying to heal.

Flash forward to today, watching my mother emotionally abuse my sister with dementia has been beyond brutal. Zero reading about dementia, does nothing proactive, just gives her one crappy caregiver after another, then screams at them until they quit. This has happened maybe 10 times. I care so much about my sister but I'm also exhausted and every trip I take to their state leaves me really upset for weeks before and after. I'm just about to go back to where they live for another visit and my sister cannot wait to see me but I don't even want to go. I'm past the point of being exhausted, this has been years of a terrible situation and I don't see a resolution without a calamity because my mother refuses to talk about anything important.

I love this forum and reading everyone's responses. I have learned a lot and am grateful for your time and the space here, in general. 

[bloomie]

Hi FurburNation - welcome! I am thankful you have officially joined the community at such a heartbreaking time. I am so sorry for what is unfolding with the needed care of your vulnerable sister. 

I can imagine the love and relief you bring your sister, but realize it is at a high cost to your own peace of mind. Is there a way to stay elsewhere and bring your sister to stay with you giving your sister a break?

One of our hero members Springbutterfly says something like this: each contact with a family member with disordered and toxic behaviors will bring damage. Plan ahead with tools and coping, boundaries and limits and for your recovery afterward accordingly. It seems like perfect thoughts as you face this visit.

It seems that right now, what you can offer your sister is your presence and love and that is a lot!

[FubarNation]

Hello Bloomie, thank you so much for your kindness and the very helpful words.

For me, learning these basics and getting advice from others who understand is so healing in and of itself. I'm glad I have a therapist but your input here is seriously going to be a part of my toolkit as I prepare to "go back in." Thank you also to Springbutterfly because this is also very helpful advice. Thank you again for the support, it means more than I can say!

[Rebel13]

Hi FubarNation,

This is truly a difficult situation. I hope you can find some of the help and support that you need here!

I don't know how much you want to, or are able to, get involved in your family situation, but if you have the energy and resources, it sounds like you could help your sister get into a memory care home if she is willing. I know these situations are tricky; they depend a lot on how competent the ill person is determined to be, what the rules are in your area, etc.

Another option could be to document your mother's abuse of your sister, if your sister is not considered competent to manage her own affairs. Then you could apply for guardianship and get her into another living situation that way.

Again, I don't know if you want to consider this, or if you need to just take care of yourself at this point. But there is a lot of knowledge and help on this site! Best of luck with it all.

[FubarNation]

Thank you, Rebel13, all ***extremely*** helpful advice. All of this "unsafety" has been swirling for years, now, and what I appreciate most is your understanding that I may or may not be able to safely approach the situation. From their point of view, it's a given that I will be doing this heavy lifting BUT they are not willing to do the basics like get the assisted living forms filled out from a doctor, really just basics that anyone in their stage of life should have handled, by now.

I do really, truly resent that they're letting the train just fly down the tracks with no apparent help except for random people from the a local gym as caregivers. This has always been ridiculous to me but my mother refuses to use any kind of an agency.

As you mentioned, my lawyer has also talked about documenting but evidently the burden of proof is difficult from another state. Where it starts to get more critical, and part of why I've gone ahead and posted, is because my mom is now talking about me "taking care of" my sister which is seriously not an option for me. First of all, I work....and secondly I have my own health issues that preclude this. I would argue that this entire situation has set my health back and I'm quite literally fighting to return to better health. (Stopped drinking, sleeping better, slowly losing weight, all of this is actually working.)

When I go to their state, I expect to be in some difficult conversations about all of this, but not sure how much I can actually handle. I love seeing my sister when I see her but it's also a ton of ambivalent grief every time as she is definitely slipping away. The denial of this fact has led us to this point where everyone is at the end of the rope and they see me as some kind of a savior but also have zero interest in listening to anything I say.

Thanks again for your response and I will be thinking about everything you're saying. I really and truly welcome the advice and care.

[Rebel13]

(Stopped drinking, sleeping better, slowly losing weight, all of this is actually working.)

Congratulations!  This is hard work, ask me how I know. 

Also, "taking care of" your sister could look many different ways, not just that she lives with you and you give up your life to care for her. When we were helping care for a friend with dementia, we hired a case manager to do a lot of the leg work of interviewing caregivers, looking for appropriate care homes with openings, filling out paperwork, etc. This might be especially helpful to you as you live far away from where your sister is. If your mother is truly willing to accept that you are "taking care of" your sister and give up the reins of decision-making -- and that's a BIG if, I realize -- you might have a lot more freedom to create a scenario that is better for all of you than what's happening now.

[FubarNation]

Rebel13, yes, care management! I am so appreciative to get this perspective from someone who has helped a person with dementia. It is a very painful time and I know it will pass but being in the middle of it is difficult. Thank you again for the practical advice and the emotional support. Very grateful.

[FubarNation]

Not a pleasant update and will move this off of the "welcome mat" after this post. I had a ticket to go out to see these two family members, next week. (This is a coast to coast trip and deeply unpleasant for me, every time I have to do it.) Yesterday I inform my mother that I need to move my trip up due to a job interview, next Friday, no zoom option available (or desired). She loses it because it throws their delicate balance off, which I guess I can understand but I'm also just trying to see my sister. For context I'm a teacher and hopefully will have a new job once school starts mid-August.

My mother does not hang up the phone when we end the phone call and I can hear her immediately start to scream, and then she clearly says "How do I get her out of my life?"

Well, wow! I'm now at this crossroads, where I know she's older and losing cognition but also see it as an opening. I'm going to grey rock her the entire time we are there but now the internal discussion begins for guardianship of my sister, and extricating myself from my mother's life, completely. I cannot tell you how much I wish I could go NC right this minute.

Going in for these next five days is going to be tough, but every trip with my sister at this point is the "best" it's ever going to be. We've already done all of the overnight trips we are going to do, and I'm grieving that. Now the goal is to do some good day trips and keep everyone as calm as possible.

How can I still feel sorry for this old woman? I don't get that! It's not the strongest emotion of the bunch but it's there...and I frankly wish it weren't and that this could be "cleaner." If my sister were not ill it would be a clear NC situation.

Rebel13, based on your advice I got back in touch with a care management company that I hired about four years ago, that my mother totally rejected. They can place people immediately, and they were wonderful when we spoke. We will see how things go. I know my mother is worrying about her own future, and she can continue to hold that worry since she has done nothing about any planning and refuses to talk about it.

Please wish me some luck, folks! I have gotten a lot of comfort out of your replies and genuinely grateful for this space.

[Rebel13]

Oh gosh, I had a drama-filled visit with my mom last year, so I really feel for you! I hope you get through it OK and that a good solution for you and your sister can be worked out. I'll be thinking of you and sending you good wishes.