Mother passed Tuesday

[Amadahy]

Good evening, Dears,

I have been off the board a long time, not because I resolved anything, but because I moved into survival mode. My N mother went into long term care in 2020 and I became her power of attorney. She suffered from dementia that overall really brought out a sweet side of her, but now and then she could still give me "the look" (of contempt) and trigger me back to days of abuse and fear. So, I still had a good bit of FOG and walking on eggshells. This year, in particular, I found myself angry at the past abuse and sort of stuck there.

I had a feeling 2024 would be the year mom passed. I saw it coming and had hospice enroll her last Friday, so when she was actively passing, she did have access to pain meds that she desperately needed. Without going into too many details, it was a relatively peaceful death and she seemed to experience a measure of healing in the moments before her passing. The look of peace and love that came over her was actually breathtaking and helped me so much. I saw love in her eyes I couldn't have even dreamed of.  Could I be wishing all this? Sure, but I don't think so. I had resigned myself to never have closure or the gift of tenderness, so I wasn't looking for it. Wow!

There's a lot more I could share, but I need to remain anonymous and too many details might compromise that. Suffice to say, I am mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted and know that the next several months will see me sorting some of this out into manageable bits. I have so much compassion for everyone here and for the Ns in our lives that drove us here. Take care of yourselves. You matter.

Warm hugs,
Amadahy

[notrightinthehead]

Big hugs back.I am so sorry for your loss and happy that you found some closure at the end.

[SonofThunder]

Big hugs back.I am so sorry for your loss and happy that you found some closure at the end.

+1

Amadahy, so glad you dropped in to share your continuing journey. Prayerful thoughts toward your healing and recuperation from the exhaustion you have faced.

SoT 

[xredshoesx]

sending you peace @Amadahy.

[bloomie]

Amadahy - what a complex journey this all is. Thankful for you that you had a transcendent moment when your mother was able to show to you love that was pure and healing! What a gift!

Be ever so gentle with yourself as you forward! Big hugs to you!

[Amadahy]

Thank you all. These 3+ months have been emotionally challenging, still with some FOG creeping in, judging every thought and emotion.

I developed pneumonia in August and was horribly unwell for a month. During that time, the thought "my tormentor is dead," occurred to me. I resisted that idea, but finally accepted it as true.

I forgive and release her to the beautiful presence of the divine, with love. I think I've finally found peace at nearly 56 times around the sun as I'm lighter and learning joy. I wish the same for all who suffer.

Thank you for a safe space to ruminate. Blessings. 💕

[SonofThunder]

Hi Amadahy,

So sorry to hear of your terrible illness and suffering, but love the positive update of your report.  Well done!

SoT

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Amadahy, sorry for your loss. It seems that you are at a peaceful and steady place which is great to hear, and I believe the outcome we could best wish for anyone. It must have indeed been emotionally and mentally exhausting and likely much to still sort through. That feeling of "lightness" you reference I believe is a very good sign. Blessings to you.   

 

[moglow]

Amadahy, I'm actually kind of glad to see this for you. Not the pain or being so ill, but the overall healing and peace you've found now and knowing your mother found that at the end as well. It has to be such a nice place to be, a new beginning.

I tend to believe that many times during great stress, the body holds up as long as it can and collapses later. Maybe it's a massive release of poisons or something? The body really does tell the tale.

Sending up prayers for your continued peace and healing, friend.