Do you worry about your behavior or personality changing?

[Prototypian]

I have noticed over the last 12 months that I have been able to control depression and anxiety in dealing with my spouse (uOCPDw).  But I've also noticed I have been really been shutting down.  I read a lot and I realized my kids have a subscription to Amazon books or something like that.   My spouse listens like a hawk to me at social functions to step in and correct anything I say or add details.  She says it's not right to not be 100 percent accurate and details matter but these are often things about my work or what our kids are studying in college so I tend to be general.

Because this is constant and there is no way to stop it, I've just been shutting down at most social functions and reading.   It does make me happier to not have her correcting me but I know I've been just finding an out of the way place and reading at almost every event.   It's a defense mechanism for me but I wonder if I am sort of losing myself.

[square]

Yes, I've chopped myself into bits trying to live with this.

I've lost more parts of myself than I even know.

I do like being responsible for myself. I do like self discipline.

But I've tolerated the intolerable. I had to deny my personality, my joy, my comfort, my interests, my accomplishments, my connection with others, just to survive.

I'm also having to face the fact that I let this happen.

[square]

Hey Jsinjin,

I thought more about your post while I brought my kitchen sponge that I store in my room on a little plate downstairs to wash up the dishes. And then brought it back upstairs along with the only remaining pot and cutting knife I can find.

Which I really need because I cook every day. I specialize in hearty vegetable dishes in South Asian, East Asian, and Mediterranean styles. I do it even if I have to do weird things to acheive that.

Anyway, boundaries are great. They are great when you have to see your highly critical SIL at the family Memorial Day barbeque. They are great when you have to deal with the snotty receptionist at your dentist's office, or the jackass running the only hardware store in town.

But when you go home, you need to be able to open up your gates and be yourself. Oh, of course, you will still be kind to your family and manage your emotions appropriately.

But you should be able to be your socially appropriate self at social and work functions, telling your interesting, insightful, and possibly amusing anecdotes without self editing to the max, without being constantly on edge, and without needing to totally abdicate.

It's one thing if you avoid sharing stuff with the jerk in R&D who tries to undercut you. But how healthy can you be if you have to live like this most of the time?

You're supposed to be safe with your family. And especially with your spouse.

I knew a guy whose father told him to be on guard at all times. He would be looking in the fridge for sliced ham and suddenly his father would jump him and yell that he let down his guard. But if a guy can't make a freaking sandwich in his own home without having to act like he was in the Vietnam jungle in 1971, he is going to break.

Jsinjin, you've folded yourself in half and half again and half again. Believe me, I know what it's like. And you did it because as hard  as it is, you just want some peace. But the peace never comes, so you have to just fold again. And again. Till you're no longer even there.

[notrightinthehead]

Yes. That's how I experienced my marriage too. And it's so painful to realize that by folding myself I allowed him to grow even bigger.

[1footouttadefog]

I was in this same place quite a few years back.  I was tired, depressed and felt like I no longer existed due to giving up more and more of myself.

I started making small changes.  I created a space for myself in our basement.  Had I not had a basement, I would have used the garage, laundry room or whatever so could.  It started with just a chair and a lamp and a side table then I added more over time.  Just taking time in peace to read or nap was huge.  I eventually set up sort of like an efficiency apt in that room. 

Boundaries, once I started spending time down there my spouse would travel up and down the basement steps a dozen times an hour to tell me the news headlines. He would try to engage me into his outrage over topics.  If I resisted he attacked, me friends or relatives in some way to try to get a rose iht of me.

I started leaving the room and closing it's door every time I heard him on the steps and I stood in the kitchen eye area to listen to him. 

Next I then started telling him , I was off for the night and would ask if there were any news items I needed to know before I went down. 

I mention this all, because sometimes we can push back.  We can cause positive changes.  We just have to get over the fear of how they will react. 

I later reversed how the house was used when his dementia lowered his inhibitions and there were issues between he and the kids and I over yucky bad manner related things like nose picking and butt scratching in the kitchen. Drinking out of milk jug and other items. 

Regarding social stuff, at some point I just started fresh and travel alone socially. I changed churches and engage in hobby groups and such alone.  I go camping and hiking and enjoy hanging out with folks and talking and such as an adult with no "kid" butting in or "correcting" or micromanaging everything I say.



 

[Associate of Daniel]

I'm like this whenever I'm in the presence of my uNPD exH and his uNPD wife.  It was especially difficult at my ds's weekly sport game.

I ended up not speaking to any of the other surrounding people, instead sitting away from everyone and not making eye contact.  I'd arrive just as the game/meeting started and leave as soon as it finished.I'd learned the hard way that even the most boring of small talk with strangers would be twisted into something unrecognisable and thrown back at me as an accusation by the uNPDs.

I hated what I'd become.  It's not like me to be "rude" or to ignore people. And I'm sure you feel the same.

May I suggest that in the situations where your wife if not present, you try to behave in the ways you want to with others - small talk, jokes etc.  I understand that the alternative behaviours might be ingrained and that there may be fear even when not in her presence.

However, if you are able to be yourself in her absence you may feel stronger in her presence.  And we need all the strength and self confidence, and validation we can get.

AOD

[escapingman]

I got to a pivotal moment when I realised this is not me, why am I behaving like this. That was also the beginning of my way out of the claws of uPDxw. I had got completely lost and I did nothing for myself or anyone else but her. I did no longer want to be the person I had become.

[MaxedOut]

Yes, feel like I have lost myself.

And doing social events together is incredibly stressful as my uPWPD has a fair chance of interpreting something someone says/does/doesn't say/doesn't do as an attack. I have done stuff that violates my self-respect and values (mostly to myself but also some stuff when spouse was splitting against others that is not how I deal with conflict with others). I have lost relationships when I am the type who has very long lasting ties.

I am much more conscious of my boundaries and when I don't maintain them that I now need to deal with the shame and self-respect harm that can come from that. And tested/said enough stuff to realize my SO won't protect me/respect aspects of me.

I have allowed it and there will be no point where it is enough, or where things get stable enough for me to be me again with her support. I have perverted and contorted and folded myself in so many ways to moderate her reactions. But, they are as bad or worse, so there isn't really effectiveness or a point. It's not actually helpful to he to have codependent enabling; she has just gotten more extreme and cut off. I know your spouse is very much in the public/networked, but it does her no favors either-no matter how much she demands it.

Like EscapingMan, realizing all this has been pivotal to me. I can't unsee it.

[NBRiverGuy]

And doing social events together is incredibly stressful as my uPWPD has a fair chance of interpreting something someone says/does/doesn't say/doesn't do as an attack. I have done stuff that violates my self-respect and values (mostly to myself but also some stuff when spouse was splitting against others that is not how I deal with conflict with others). I have lost relationships when I am the type who has very long lasting ties.

Wow. We are leading the same life, Maxed. At this point, my wife has more or less completely socially withdrawn from any of our shared friendships because they all "attacked" her or "disrespected" her or they "never really cared about her." Fortunately, they are still my friends and I decide to go out with them occasionally even though I know that I will have to put up with a jealous rage the next day from her.
I agreed to volunteer at a fundraiser for HER work last night because her boss asked me to. PDw spent the whole night hovering over me saying that her employer was taking advantage of me, that none of the other husbands were doing any of the work, and that her boss only asked me because she knew that she could push me around. Okay. None of that was true. I was in a more visible position than most of the other husbands because I was serving food and they were in the back preparing it and I tried to explain that, but her anger escalated the longer she watched me dish up food. I said, "I've got this under control. Why don't you go sit down and eat?" She didn't even break stride. "I'm going to find the person in charge and tell her she needs to get someone to relieve you," she said. So she stormed off and I had to have an uncomfortable conversation with a very sweet PTA mom and convince her that I was just fine and that my wife could sometimes be overprotective. Furthermore, there was now all this palpable tension between me and the other guys serving who I had been having a great time talking to. Nothing is ever calm and easy.