I'm at a crossorads

[shishio7]

My SO most likely has borderline personality disorder or bipolar disorder. That statement comes from my therapist. She introduced me to this site.
The last time I saw my SO I was running out of the door with a bag hastily packed as she sat in the kitchen cool as a cucumber sipping coffee listening to linkin park. As I left I cut my feet on the remnants of my wine glasses which littered the floor.
I never saw her like that. Sure, she threw stuff before. She said she wouldn't anymore.
I was lying in bed with her. She says the accidentally spilled the wine on me. I showered off and when I returned, the put a towel on the part of the bed with the wine and asked me to return. I didn't want to sit on a wet bed. I doubt the towel would stop me from feeling the wetness from the wine. The bed was really soaked. I told her I would rather lie on the futon downstairs. She exploded. She threw the wine glass at me. As it shattered at me feet I said "we're done." Then she threw the bottle, her mouse, her keyboard, my ipad, the air purifier. Some other things. The was readying to throw the 3 foot air conditioner at me when I held her on the bed to get her to stop. She tried to kick me in the balls a few times, she couldn't reach. I let her go. As I did I heard the sounds of more shattering glass downstairs. I hastily packed a bag and called my family. Earlier that day, she came home from 9 straight days of working nights and decided to do all the chores. I woke up and went to find her. She was in the kitchen drinking wine. We spoke for a but. She started crying about how she felt trapped in the relationship because she took it upon herself to do all the chores. Chores I normally do on Sunday. I held her, told her she isn't alone, I tried to tell her all the chores I do but for whatever reason she wasn't having it and then we went upstairs. You know the rest.

You know the relationship had been tumultuous in recent weeks. She fights viciously and sometimes I feel like she picks fights for the sake of it.

We actually "broke up" a week or 2 before on vacation. I had a session with my therapist. She proposed a break. When I told my SO that she had a meltdown. The only way I felt to pacify her was to get back with her. In that moment I felt trapped. I felt unhappy with the way the relationship had devolved. I brought it up but we never spoke about it. That night I called 988. I felt trapped, I felt depressed. I felt unhappy. It seemed like a godsend she had this outburst. Now all I want is her back. I want it for the sense of security mostly. I admit my self esteem is shot. I'm feeling too old to start again. She was so committed to this relationship, until she wasn't. It doesn't change the fact that now I ended it and we are both fucking miserable. It feels wrong. It doesn't feel good. I feel lost and alone.

What do I do?       

[StartingHealing]

shishio7,

First off, congrats on doing something really hard. 

That feeling you are feeling is called trauma bonding.  It sucks.  Speaking from experience it gets better.  Don't fall into the trap which your brain may do to you is becoming forgetful about the actions that she took in an attempt to seriously injure you or kill you.  Let alone the mental and emotional abuse that you have suffered.  It's almost like an addiction.  The emotional super highs and the super lows which set up this weird thing in the brain. 

I know it's really hard right now.  Been there. As time goes on you start to remember yourself.  Hanging with your friends or family, where a good time is had by all without any of the mind games and you start to perceive that maybe you aren't the slime that she convinced yourself that you were.  As time goes on, you'll find yourself thinking about it less and less.  I do recommend if you haven't done so, block, delete, change your #, get a new email address, go totally incognito. Do not follow any social media of hers, or be in groups that she might be in.  And don't hang with people that hang with her.  She'll probably recruit them to be her flying monkeys.

One of things that helped me was going through the top 100 traits and checking off every single one that the former spouse did to me. I printed it out and every time my brain tried to go into the "it wasn't that bad" "she really didn't mean it" I'd dig that list out and go over it again. The words didn't matter, it's the actions that were taken that matters. 

Take it day by day. Remember that healing isn't lineal. Dig into something that interests you. Go do something that you have never done before just to see what's up with it.  You are the captain of your own ship and as such treat yourself like you would treat your best friend.

Read the forum. there are so many situations that have ended well for people.  For me it gave me hope when I was in the crapper. Personally I went from trying to fix it to ending it and I'll let you know something.   The longer I'm away, the more I focus on me, the happier I am and the more content I become.  I sleep now. My weight has stabilized and I'm bringing it back down to a healthy weight for me. I can feel awe again. I feel alive again. Haven't felt like this since I don't know when.

Wishing you all the best

[square]

Welcome. Some great comments from StartingHealing, who has a lot of cred here.

I second the advice to take this time to read and research - here, with books, on YouTube. It will fill your time and headspace so you won't fill it with less helpful thoughts. It will help you to heal. And best of all, it will help you to grow.

Read around, you'll find many similar stories. Keep posting. We're here for you.

[escapingman]

Shisio7, I feel for you. What you wrote could have been me writing a few years ago, my uPDxw threw food all over the kitchen several times and threatened to throw boiling water in my face just stopping herself in the very end. In the end I had to have a court order for her to be removed from the house and no allowed contact. With this order I could get on with divorce and have all communications dealt with by lawyers. I am now Very low contact with her for over two years, divorced over a year and I am happier than ever. Like StartHealing wrote, it's a trauma bond and you got to break it. Life on the other side is so good, we help you get there. Keep posting and keep learning.

All the best.
Em

[shishio7]

Its still a struggle every day. I feel like my mind is consumed by thoughts of her. This week we are supposed to go on a cruise together. I went through a lot of "I love you, I hate you, please don't leave me" with her in the days after the breakup. It still hurts. I feel like I failed. I feel like I failed her and I am the one to blame because I am the one who left. My heart wants to say, we can work it out. I can be better. My brain knows better. Its a struggle. I want to go on that cruise with her, make up, and fix this, fix us. But the moment we got off that ship and reality sets back in, I am sure the things that would make me leave would start again. Maybe small at first, but they will get bigger as time goes on. I want her to know, I'm hurting too, just like her. I want her to know I wished she would be my last and my only. I want her to know I miss her desperately. I wish I can hold her again, kiss her again. Its so hard. I feel so torn. 

[Rose1]

Be very careful. The advice on trauma bonds is very good.
But the degree of domestic violence you are facing often has a nasty side effect for men. Authorities tend to believe that men can't be abused and can end up in jail.

DH avoided that only because his kids witnessed what actually happened and spoke up.

Unfortunately once a person with pd paints you black (turns on you) it rarely changes. That's from both my and my dh's experience. In both our cases the expds fabricated reasons in their minds that justified the way we were treated.

It's a rude wake up call unfortunately.

[escapingman]

 

100% true what Rose is saying. I was accused of all sorts by uPDxw, she couldn't prove anything but it was still believed in court. Thanks to me having recordings of her abuse they believed us to be equally bad, had I not had evidence I would have been toast.